While getting some much needed stress relief today, my clit sucker ran out of batteries mid wank. I tried to recover by reaching into my drawer and pulling out another vibrator. Not as targeted as my clit sucker but fuck it, it'll do. This motherfucker decides to run out on me when I was getting close. Mother-fuck-me-up-the-asshole!! I fucking charged this shit already!!!! I had to unplug something else to plug that motherfucker in so don't tell me it's dead. Motherfucking......i managed to squeeze just enough juice to get me to the finish line. But it's like using a jackhammer to put on lip gloss. unnecessary torque. I should buy a back up clit sucker. 

I should fucking sit on your face and have you be my clit sucker. haha jk we both know you suck at it. 😜

There are days when I'm desperate for male attention its true. But recently I've been asked out a few times and I genuinely was like ugh why? Like why bother getting all primped and smooth and delicious for some dude who's not gonna be worth it? So now I'm like....damn maybe I really don't wanna date. Not worth the energy. I'd rather stay home in my comfy place.

Last  night I got back from the gym with some groceries. Took a hot shower, got in my pjs and made myself a bbq chicken pizza and watched a thriller on tv. I couldn't have been more ecstatic. Felt like pure heaven to me. Now I understand why women  prefer to be alone instead of seeking out men. lol!

side note,  i was so bummed about trimming my bush last time i fucked. she's finally growing back and I don't wanna ruin that for some guy. having it long and playing with it is my own personal joy. 

loving on myself is really fantastic ​😊

Simple enough concept. 

What do men want, really? Sex. The answer is always sex. It boggles my mind how men behave online, letting women know up front they want x,y,z and don't even offer anything in return. As if they're the prize. How do these men ever get laid?? It's an epidemic. Women have tons of options for sex. That's just reality. From the dawn of time men in different species, men have competed for the woman's attention. But I don't think men these days understand what women want.

It's not about money. It's not about power. It's about energy, and the right energy comes from knowing what a woman wants. You think like men, and what men want, and thats how you talk to women online. Then complain when so many gay men are in your DMs like woah is me. What did you expect? You offered the bait a man would  want, not a woman. Offering sex is something that would appeal to other MEN. That's what MEN want. That's what MEN think of as the end goal. Now i'm not saying women don't want sex, they do. But they have a sea of men to choose from. Think like a woman. How does it feel when all those guys are in your DMs even when you clearly said NO MEN? How does it feel when they get aggressive and try to convince you that a mouth is a mouth and a hole is a hole? Or how about when they curse at you when you finally make it CLEAR it's not gonna happen? Doesn't feel very nice. Now you've experienced 10% of what its like to be a woman online.

I'm aware of how men are treated online. Women are not without fault. Let me be clear about that. This is more to open your eyes to what women value. How do you make her feel? Women are always chasing a feeling. Women care less about money or looks and more about how you make them feel. And i'm not saying, just because you're nice she'll want you. But confidence, being secure, being emotionally mature,b being respectful,  these things go a LONG way. 

Unfortunately for me I'm trying to get over someone so I've had to go back on an app. I picked the quickest most upfront one. I'm not gonna make a love connection on apps.  I know better. This isn't even that. I just need a good distraction. Good dick and lots of attention and affection. 

Sooo many guys calling themselves "dom" just looking for someone they can use and abuse to fulfill their fantasies of rough sex. Can't tell you how many guys have scouted me and didn't give 2 shits about my wants, needs, or even my personality. To them I was literally a body to use. It's disgusting. 

The thing that sucks is we could have a mutually beneficial connection and both get what we want but SO many men are not even willing to consider what she wants. Why? men assume, once again, that THEY are the prize. Whether its their abs or their big dick or boasting about making them cum. Again, you're thinking like a dude.

I don't really give a shit how hot you are or how good you are at sex if you don't make me feel good. I want to feel known, seen, valued. Like you chose me for a reason, not bc I'm a walking pussy for you to destroy. 

I'm amazing. That's not even debatable. Men are SO afraid of commitment of ANY kind that they will shut down any kind of emotional connection, and sometimes any connection at all to play safe. So they can continue to fuck as many women as possible. I genuinely don't know any women personally, who want to have casual anonymous sex, be used and tossed aside. Oh there are women who want to FUCK and sometimes they don't want any complicated feelings either. But they ALL want to be treated like a person. Even if they want to be used in the bedroom, there has to be aftercare. 

I'm really sick of men who are allergic to feelings and think they can just take my body without depositing anything into my bank of feelings. Shame on these men. One day the will have their hearts ripped in half. Luckily I can spot them before it even gets that far anymore. I've gotten so much better at cutting these guys off on apps. 

If its going to be some kind of arrangement.....then let's make it fair. You get what you want, i get what I want. 

I'm very sexual when I want to be. I know what I'm doing. I love cock and I love to worship. I love to please. I'm very good at it. If you treat me right I will push my boundaries for you. What I require in return is to build some trust between us. I also require sweetness. Make me feel special. tell me i'm doing a good job. tell me how much you love my body. and after, let me know you still think about me. feeling special, wanted, valued, these things are so important, especially to a demisexual. Otherwise it just becomes all about you, and me being all over you and I REFUSE to ever do that again. 

My attention, my body, my energy, my devotion,  I give them all very generously. To someone who deserves them. Anyone would be lucky to have access to them. And in turn, I want my emotional needs met.

And that's it. I understand that now. It's not complicated. I'm going to be vocal about my needs and anyone who can't meet them isn't for me.

Sitting here enjoying some delicious ice cream after yet another orgasm. i'm getting more creative now. 

I was practicing recording myself for something professional where I would only be seen from the chest up, when the idea struck me of how hot it would be if below the view of the camera I had my tits out and nipple clamps on. Well then I went off on a tangent. I brought out my heavy nipple clamps and a vibrator. I put on the nipple clamps and the weight of something pulling on my nipples sent shivers of ecstasy up my spine. The weight. Ugh fuuuuuck. I can't explain it. I put my vibrator inside my panties (fully clothed) and proceeded to ride the edge of my chair with my heavy tits hanging off the side letting gravity have them. Swaying side to side so the ball and chains at the end of the nipple clamps clacked together. All the while filming myself. For what? For who? I don't know but I couldn't help myself. I started moaning and whimpering. It was pleasure mixed with just enough pain. I began to get very subby. 
I started to get rough with myself. My doorbell cam went off and my neighbor was just getting home and i'm afraid he might have heard me but it felt too good not to make those noises. 

I ended up watching some rough porn and making myself cum. Afterwards I pried the clamps off and my nipples were all dented and in pain. So I treated myself to some nummy nummy ice cream for being such a good obedient little girl.

No one is better to me than me. No one sees the nastiest side of me but me. :) I get all the pictures and videos to watch whenever I want. *swoon*

Energy is everything. Women will get on their knees for the right energy, regardless of looks or status.

As I sit here, post orgasm, my pussy drooling onto my sheets,  I felt compelled to impart some wisdom.

So many of  you wanna be dominant in the bedroom without doing any work to cultivate it. You throw the word around like just another descriptor without understanding that being dominant is more than you wanting to be selfish in the bedroom an fulfill YOUR fantasies or recreate what you see in porn.

A man who embodies dominant energy is a gentleman and respects women. The best lovers I've ever had were kind and respected me and treated me well. And they're the ones I was the biggest slut for. With a huge smile on my face. And I always went back for more.

A man who embodies dominant energy isn't an asshole. He's not pushy and he's not a misogynist. He loves women. He loves femininity. He's not complaining about women and he certainly doesn't fuck any hole he can find. He's respectful of his own body and energy. He has standards. He works on himself. Whether it's at the gym, or with a mindfulness practice, or career goals, or going to therapy. He has depth. He has emotional intelligence. He's secure in himself. These are all attractive qualities. 

He takes time to cultivate a connection. He knows that the energy he pours into her outside of the bedroom will translate to inside the bedroom. He wants to get inside her mind.  

1. Get to know her. Be curious about her interests. Make her feel seen. 
2. Make her feel safe. Respect her boundaries. Don't get sexual with her. Believe me if she is into you she will make it very obvious. She'll be the one to make the first move. 
3. Take initiative. Women hate having to plan a date. It's so lame when a guy seems interested and does nothing about it. Instead, set a date. Offer a location. Don't make her pick. It's the hottest thing when a guy says "how about this Friday at 7 at (location), i'll pick you up."  uhhh.. *drip* Do you know how RARE it is for guys to do this these days? You'll really stand out and impress her. Then follow up and confirm a couple days before, and again that day. It shows you're assertive. You value your time and hers. AND shows that you are eager to see her. She will be equally as eager because you've put in the effort.
4. Never suggest her coming to your place as a date. Real fuckboi energy.

If you're saying "why do i have to do all this? what does she do?" This post isn't for you. no one's flower petals will be opening for you. Go heal.

If you managed to make it this far and you're still in.....

I can tell you that a woman who feels safe, respected, appreciated and admired....a woman who is allowed to be in her feminine energy because you're in your masculine.....babe....you won't have to convince her. She will open up for you. And not only that, she will feel safe enough to unlock her inner freak and let go in the bedroom. 

Here's the thing. If you want that dynamic in  the bedroom.....where she is happy to give and serve, you have to give her what she needs. And I don't just mean sexually. Aftercare is often talked about and its super important. After she's given so much of herself you must give back in the form of affection and praise. If you fail to do this you're going to lose out on getting this again. If a woman allows herself to be so vulnerable and you don't water her garden with cuddles, praise, a text after and sweet words the next day, she's going to feel used. And she won't open herself up like that to you again. Mark my words.....

It's a give and take.  We inherently value different things. Men are more sexual, women are more emotional. Learn how to tap into that and you will be rewarded. But above all, be genuine. 

My first time seeing a penis in person. I had a guy friend…..I won’t get into how we met bc I don’t wanna dox myself but I was 16. We talked on the phone before we ever met. Got to know each other. I had never really talked to boys like that before. We had great conversations. This is back when ppl spoke on the phone for hours. We only hung up to sleep. We would be on the phone all day. Watch tv together, eating together, sometimes sitting in silence doing other things. I miss having that kind of connection with someone. I think that’s kind of thing is extinct though. A bygone era. Anyway….i was soooooooooo innocent. If you know me in person you know I seem pretty innocent. Imagine me at 16 super clueless and pure as the driven snow. Our conversation teetered on flirty at times. But I was so clueless I remember asking him…how do you kiss? Like what do you do with your mouth? I mean no one ever tells you. He was like just move your tongue around in their mouth. I said….THAT’S kissing? Sounded so dumb. lol. I remember him telling me to get a candle and drip the hot wax on myself….it was some erotic thing I guess. Sounded like something out of a movie. Also, he was my age just for the record. I don’t think he’d really been with anyone either. I think we were both virgins.

He was this…..weird mix of like loner, intellectual reader type and bad boy. His parents were very Cuban and he only spoke Spanish to them. He had that “papa en la boca” (potato in the mouth) way of talking. If you’ve ever heard Cubans in miami talk you know what I’m talking about. But he read Beowulf and liked industrial music. He was truly too cool. What the fuck was he doing in the reffiest part of miami? He was stoic. But with me I could feel him warm up. Which made me feel so special. That this stoic hard guy felt softness for me. He cared about me. He looked out for me. We had a really beautiful connection. I never really pursued anything with him more than friendship bc I assumed he would never be into me. It was the 90s and chubby meant fat and that was the worst thing you could be. So I didn’t have very high self esteem. But back then, after this guy, anyone I talked to on the phone would fall in love with me. But back to him…let’s call him…Rob.

Rob was friends with some of my friends first. Which is how I met him. So we arranged an outing with one of them and us. This worked for me bc I was so nervous to meet him. We had a fun time. I didn’t feel pressure bc my other friend was there and we just had innocent 16yr old shenanigans. I have pictures from that day. And I’m like…I was so fucking pretty. Such a sweet innocent face and long flowing hair down to my ass. Why couldn’t I see it? After that we hung out more but never alone. One night….we met up with Rob at the beach. He had gotten us each a 40oz of some cheap garbage. I never drink. Hello I was 16. And ps…it was gross. lol. But he encouraged me to drink it, he wanted me tipsy. We laid a blanket on the sand and sat down. My girlfriend got drunk and started being silly running up and down the beach. Meanwhile Rob and I sat on the blanket. He said….do you wanna see it? I did, but I was also really nervous. I’d never seen one before. He pulled it out. It was soft. He told me to touch it. It felt warm and really soft. Squishy even. Nothing on my body felt like that. It was a new experience. I just kind of put my hand around it and left it there. I didn’t know what to do. I was clueless. Then it began to grow in my hand. It felt hard. This was all so new to me. He put his hand around mine and began to stroke it. I just froze and let him take over bc I truly didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Meanwhile our friend is maybe like 20ft away and could turn around and see us at any minute. And we’re out in public…at night….his cock in my hand…me jerking him off. It wasn’t long before he came. He aimed for the sand. Then pulled up his pants and acted like it didn’t happen.

But here’s the thing….. I wanted more.

​This awoke something in me. I wanted my friend to GO AWAY. I wanted to explore more. I think we maybe kissed for a few seconds before he asked about taking out his dick. I wanted more kissing. I wanted him to touch my tits. I wanted to be on top of him. I WANTED him. He awoke my sexuality. When my friend was back he suggested skinny dipping in the water but she thought that was crazy and I was way too insecure to ever get naked in front of anyone. He got naked and got in the water. Hoping we would follow. When we didn’t he eventually gave up and got dressed. And that was the first night I ever saw and touched a penis. And I’ll never forget it.


​

It's been a long day and the last thing i wanted to do was make dinner so i ordered something from uber eats. My apt is tricky so i'll often get lost uber drivers. This one called me to tell me he was nowhere near my building bc the app sent him some weird way. I wasn't very helpful bc i'm not even sure where that building is. But he sounded very capable like he would figure it out. and frankly, i found that attractive. not to mention he had an attractive voice. I mean i have his picture but i didn't really pay attention to it. average looking black man. but something about his voice was just....good vibes. i dunno. he seemed like good ppl. so when he was close i put on a white tank (no bra) and pulled the neck low. just to give him a little bit of titty to look at. but he was stealthy and left before i could open the door. oh wellios!

I know its only january but I find myself seeing a lot of valentines day stuff. 

last year was so depressing. I was living with my ex but we were broken up. There's nothing more isolating than feeling alone with someone around. its heartbreaking. at least this year i can be my own valentine. 

ugh...side note, i got long nails for the first time and typing is hella fucking hard. lol. typos galore. it's really slowed me down. sexy but....not very functional.

anyhoo i won't get too down about valentines day. maybe next year i'll have someone who wants to spoil me.

i have completely stopped entertaining men online (yes again), i realized its just a waste of time and i have to listen to my gut. the kind of man i want isn't gonna be on reddit sending random messages to women. 

i think i'm ready for something real now. no more empty connections that feel transactional. it's been real guys, but the "ho phase" has ended. i'm ready for something real. but don't worry, i still have a dirty mind that i plan to share on here.

i'm no longer bitter though. i realize my problem was entertaining and giving my energy to ppl who don't deserve it. but that's over now. i've taken my power back and i'm smiling. and i hope to radiate positive energy to those around me. :)

anyway stay tuned for some spicy posts coning up bc ive been having spicy thoughts!