2026 started out awesome for me. I was gaining momentum in my business, I was building, etc. But I got lost in the noise of the state of the world in the US right now. The existential dread is starting to really do a number on my mental health. Between the divorce stuff, and now feeling like doom is eminent it's becoming a struggle to.......not give up on everything entirely. What's worse is I had a horrible mushroom trip last halloween that caused a psychosis which scared the shit out of me. I lost touch with reality. It was a horrendous feeling. No relief, no matter what I did,  from the blaring light in my head and the loud metal music in my head. The feeling of not being able to have relief no matter what you do is something I would never wish on anyone. I really was scared that I had caused myself to snap. That my son wouldn't have a mom anymore. All because I chose to do something stupid. I went into this horrible thing where,  nothing mattered,  even dying wouldn't bring relief. Nothing is real, the world isn't real. There's no good,  no rest,  no relief.  It was just the most horrible experience in my entire life. And now with all this existential dread those feelings are starting to pop up and it scares the shit out of me. I'm so scared of feeling that again. 

I've been struggling. I deleted social media (that isn't work related) and I've been trying to focus on my health. Being alone isn't helping. 

If I can just make it through the divorce and the impending doom and survive till things get better, I may just have a great life! I want to so badly. I'm trying. I was trying hard. And now I'm trying so hard just not to snap. I don't know what's gonna happen. But I felt I needed to document this. 

 I've def been in sub space. You know that feeling where your brain shuts off and you become a mindless drone desperate to please your superior? Yeah, I've def felt it. And it's really really hot. 

But....

People never talk about Domme space. 
It doesn't happen a lot because most men are performative cretins. But every once in a while I'll encounter a sub who's so pathetic and I just FEEEEEED on it. It's funny  because when a sub feeds my sadism with his pathetic desperate energy I stop thinking. Something in me just takes over and knows exactly what to say and how to direct him. And all these ideas just come to the surface. Oof and the way I get so fucking wet being ruthless to a man. Verbal degradation is my specialty and my true love. HAHA. I've only been able to truly tap into that a handful of times but it's SO intense. His patheticness fuels my sadism and in term my sadism feeds his patheticness and its this self sustaining loop. And it doesn't end until something drastic happens. And he usually edges to it for a long time because the feeling is just too good. This has been known to last a few days with some men. The way they CRAVE my abuse just gets my fucking clit so hard and makes my pussy drool. I usually have to maturbate to it. Masturbating to the destruction of a man, tearing him down to nothing but a piece of shit and he wants more, I mean come on, how can I not masturabate to that?

But as you can imagine....mixing that kind of power with the money element, guys burn out pretty fast. They do come back though. Because once you've experienced the power of my mind it's hard to find anyone quite as depraved as me and the humiliating degrading things I make you  do.....😈

And once you're locked in,  you start making bad decisions 😈😈😈. 

Ahhh the ethical dilemma. Fan the flames and stroke yourself to their destruction? Or end it before they regret it? yeah right! 😂😂 You knew what the fuck you were getting yourself into, pussy bitch. HAHAHAHA! 

Of course if he's a regular, I'll tell him what a good boy he was for taking it for me. Then I'll let him go recover his dignity and his bank account.