I'm not gonna lie, I was a bit gutted when he ended things. But I moved on. I was happy that it ended nicely. After a couple weeks or so he reached out and I was so happy to hear from him to be honest. But he just happened to catch me when I was in a very horny headspace and I started to get sexual with him. I asked him if he would be up for servicing me again. He said absolutely. So I kept things very chill. Talking all the time was a mistake. I get too attached when I talk to someone too much. Anyway cut to today. I've been struggling not having any male touch in too long. My bf has been busy and its been leaving me feeling antsy. I've also had some other shit going on that left me in not the most sexual headspace. But spending the day primping and cleaning and prepping things for my sub to come over put me in a good mood. I ended up masturbating before he got here. I was just super excited. I decided that I would eat some mushroom chocolates because i always wanna be touching someone when I do and i've never done anything sexual on them before. 

When he got here I already had my plan. I had on my little lingerie. I brought him into my bedroom and just wanted to touch him. I wanted him to touch me. And he did, and I LOVED it. I told him he was going to give me a massage. Rules of the massage were: you can tease my pussy, you can graze your hand against it, but no touching it directly. I wanted a good tease. So I laid down and he  got the oil and started rubbing. Well let me fucking tell you, the whole fucking thing felt amazing as fuck. I was gonna play music on a speaker but i got so caught up that i didn't. He rubbed me from my toes to my face. I made him spend extra time on my boobs. Then  I flipped over and ohhhhh myyyy gooodddd......it was orgasmic. The chocolate was doing its thing babe. Because  I was giggling and moaning, it was just so delicious! I kept forgetting myself. I kept going between I want him to this just feels so relaxing and i would just catch myself and giggle. I was able to stop and talk and laugh and that was really nice. That's a vibe ive been trying to recreate in the bedroom for a long time. It's really lovely to feel comfortable enough to laugh and talk and then moan and feel pleasure. It was so exquisite. His hands on me. Especially on my lower back. It felt like he was making love to me with his hands. I can't even explain it!!! It was AMAZING. Also, these chocolates made me very vocal. lol. There was no hiding my pleasure thats for sure. 

After at least an hour of massage I think he was sucking on my nipples and he put my wand (toy) inside me because I was SOOOOO wet, and I told him so. So in it went. But I think I wanted his touch, his warm body, more than the toy. So I told him to take it out, and put his face there instead. Which he happily obliged. There was so much build up at this point. I wanted to hump his face and devour him with my pussy.  🤭 But then I made him back up so i could just feel his tongue. I was, from what he told me, doing the bulk of the work at first. Kind of grinding his face (i was so horny) and then after a while I made him do the work. 

So lots to say.
1. I felt like i had a bunch of tiny little orgasms, if that makes sense? It was just so pleasurable so much. Instead of it all building to one giant orgasm it was just a bunch of little ones and a blunt orgasm. It's strange. I wonder if it was the chocolates. I don't know if I can cum regularly but I really wanted to fuck. 

2. I've never been more present and in my body during a sexual encounter and it was amaaaaaaaazing. And maybe thats the hiccup with the orgasm? Maybe there's only so much the body can do. Maybe the real orgasms come from the mind. Although I thought the whole thing was so fucking hot. And it really showed me that we place so much focus on an orgasm when you can have so much pleasure and not cum. 

3. I have never had a more intimate experience. Outside of my marriage of course. When he was massaging me, it felt really lovely and intimate. I just wanted to touch him. I wanted to feel him against me. When I would feel his body brush against me or lean on me it felt so exciting and erotic. The massage was erotic and also intimate. Then when he was going down on me i just wanted to touch him. At one point we were holding hands while he wen down on me and i LOVED the intimacy of it. It felt so special, so connected. 

4. It's become clear the I can't cum without making a mess. If a guy wants to go down on me just to experience it or just to warm me up, great. no problem. If a guy wants to make me cum? He's gotta be ok with piss because i'm sorry to say, it's gonna happen. In this situation, that's not squirt. And it fucking sucks I have no control over it. But good news is I can get pleasure and warmed up for sex with just some oral. I don't need to cum from it. Shit, I got warmed up from the fucking massage. There are lots of other ways to get my pussy wet and ready for big dick, i promise. But if you fuck me you better be ok with the sheets getting wet. 

5. I was able to receive pleasure really well tonight. Thanks to the chocolates. I was able to relax. Also helped that we had done this before so there was already trust there. But I'm SO proud of myself BECAUSE I was able to have a very intimate connection with someone that I consider a friend (fwb), we were able to hold each other and be very close and I was able to enjoy it for what it was! And leave it at that! And that's what I've been trying to achieve since my  ONS in Nashville years ago. You can have a really lovely intimate connected present experience in the bedroom and just enjoy it for what it is in the moment. This is HUGE for me!!!!!! eeek! 

And yeah that's all I can think of. I'm tired as shit right now.

Let's fucking go.

Ok so....my first taste of this was when I chatted with some guy online who told all sorts of shit but the one thing that stood out to me was saying he wanted to fuck me on his wife's side of the bed and have me squirt onto her pillow so she could lay her face in it at night. That was wayyyyyyy out there for me when I first heard it. But I was shocked to find how much of a physiological reaction i had to it. I got sopping wet. Holy shit. Ever since then i kept that little nugget in the back of my head.

Cut to me seeing it online now with some couples on apps. I'm super intrigued. I love the idea of being chosen, and stealing your man. I don't fuck with married men unless the marriage is open. I'm all about consent. I don't wanna sneak around. I want her to know. I want her to get off on the fact that i'm fucking her man. That i'm making his toes curl. That he's making noises he doesn't make with her. That he's putting that baby batter in me. That when I'm with him he's all MINE. And when he fucks her he's thinking about me. That shit is HOT.  In this scenario the wife is the cuckquean, the husband is the hothusband and I'm whats known as a "cupcake", which, I couldn't think of a more fitting name for me. I'm just such a delicious little thing. And so seductive. And I get off on seducing men. Its a power trip. So I'm definitely cupcake curious. It just depends on what the wife wants. If she wants humiliation...thats harder for me bc i'm not that kind of girl. I'd have to work on that. 

This is all info i've known for a little while now and i'm really curious to explore. 

What is a new surprise to me is I may very well get off on being the cuckquean as well? And the reason I say this is because when I was married there was a time when my best friend was single and would come over to our place all the time and had no boundaries. Sometimes I would get jealous because she was getting a little too comfortable and i'm real alpha. I don't like to share my toys or my men. So anyway I recall fantasizing and getting off to the idea of her hooking up with him while i was in the shower. It felt so wrong and like such betrayal but it also made me absolutely cum. And I can't even explain it. I was hurt, jealous, betrayed, felt like a victim, but those things made it even hotter. The wrongness of it, the taboo nature of it. I get off on taboo things. So that's interesting. I'm not sure if I could actually go through with it though because i think once the thrill wore off i'd be hurt. But still, very interesting realization that its something i might be into. I dunno. 

I know for sure.......I wanna be a cupcake. like soooooon. like ugh.

What are your thoughts on the hothusband thing? would you like to be in that scenario with a partner? or too weird?

Because I was too much and wanted too much. That's pretty bad. When a sub is like "you're too much".  I think the sub experiment has probably run its course. its never worked out. Though he's been the nicest of all of them. I don't know how any guy can handle my shit. I'm too much for everyone. And I really let my crazy out on him. It's the most unmasked I think I've been with anyone. It was liberating.  To just say all the crazy shit and for him not to talk back. That was therapeutic. 

But he got sick of my shit. I don't blame him and i'm not surprised. it's making me think about what I truly want. When I was getting all of my emotional needs met it didn't matter. i didn't need him for much. but when that slowed down i leaned on him to pick up the slack and thats not what he signed up for. And also I don't think i'll ever understand what a submissive man wants from me. Whats ok to say or expect and what isnt. everytime i try to lean in  i do it wrong. its so confusing.

What do I want? Do I want a poly relationship? Do i just want a flirty friendship? I know that I want to be missed. I know i want someone who puts in some effort to talk to me. And someone who doesn't find it so easy to walk away. A part time boyfriend? I dunno. whatever it is i haven't found it yet. And maybe i never will.

I just know i'm too much for any one man. So I need more than one. I just don't think its fair to have a romantic relationship with more than one person. That's something I'm struggling with. Unless the man you're dating is going into the relationship already poly.

It's difficult for me to allow myself to be so vulnerable with someone and then be rejected. Even if its as kind of a rejection as it could have been. But i'm trying to sit in the discomfort and not take it personally.  its all part of the journey I guess. Its all about what I learned from this experience. And how to apply that lesson going fwd.