This week I got the message I had been dreading since 2022. Divorce papers.
I left the marriage but stayed in the house for 6 months. The last 2yrs I've lived on my own and built my life on my own. Learning how to be an adult and handle money. Learning to navigate life stuff with no emotional support. While still being a stable mom for my son. And you know what? I've done a pretty damn good job. In the midst of it I have also been finding myself as a woman. Not a mom or a wife or a daughter. But as a grown ass woman. And I have to say that's been the hardest journey. I have made so many mistakes and bad decisions based on wanting to be chosen. I learned a lot of hard lessons that I needed to learn. This year has been particularly tough in many ways but also yielded so much personal growth. 

I'm a spiritual person and I believe all the challenges I've faced this year have prepared me for this. I've gotten stronger, more confident and absolutely capable. Turns out I'm a fucking badass bitch. I have learned to love myself in a whole new way and no longer seek validation from men. That in and of itself is major. I learned to give myself all the energy I was pouring into others. I also have become the hero, the protector and the provider I've always needed.

At first I panicked, this is it. But I stayed strong in the knowledge that I would have financial support for some time and i'd be ok. I spoke to my new lawyer yesterday and she told me I may only get alimony for 2 more years. And whats more, no guarantee i'll even be getting as much as I am now. Which was a huge blow to me. My world kind of shattered as I pictured myself once again homeless and destitute, something he threatened me with last year. 

But then a voice inside me said don't cry. Don't be sad. What money and stability has looked like to you for 20+ years is ending. And that's scary. But that is not the end for you. It just means what it looks like is going to change. And that's ok! His support is not the only way for you to live a happy life. And that's when I chose joy over fear. Excitement and adventure over worry and dread. And I began to get SO happy. And I felt free. I'm not even going to fight him. I am sick and tired of having to justify my existence. I don't wanna fight anymore. I just want to end this and move on. 

Being taken care of is nice but it comes at a cost. And the cost is freedom. I've been taken care of and controlled by my parents and then my husband. And for the first time in my entire life, i'll be free. And no one will control me. I get to create life on my terms, not what other ppl think I should do. I don't have to worry about judgment. I can live out loud and own being sexual. There's nothing that says I can't make my own money. And there's no limit on how much I can make. I'm shedding the negative mentality that was beat into me. Coming from a place of lack, holding tight to money and secrets. No more. My new motto is, just make more money! lol. No more secrets. No more letting someone else have power over me EVER again!!!!

This is the start of my independence and I am actually so fucking excited and happy. And  that tells me I'm in alignment. Things always work out for me. And I will be just fine. I have never felt this free. My life is MINE now. And no one else has power over me. 

It has been a long road. Leaving my marriage was the scariest thing I ever did. And it took the discomfort of staying to outweigh the fear of the unknown for me to finally leave. And the divorce seemed like the scariest thing ever and I put it out of my mind as long as I could. Avoiding the inevitable. But it had to happen. It had to. Just like every other stage of this. It's like childbirth. When I was in labor (no drugs, badass), I kept trying to fight the pain. It didn't stop the pain, it just made me tired and worn out. But once I gave up fighting, stopped resisting and just gave into the pain, everything changed. I rode the wave. It wasn't as painful, and things progressed faster. I was able to make it to the other side. And it was worth all the pain. The only way out is through. And I'm not resisting anymore. I'm ready for the next stage. Whatever will be will be. The universe hasn't gotten me this far to let me fail. 

I have never felt such peace.  🥰

Everything in life is a choice. Things will happen regardless. You choose how to respond. And I choose joy. 

I use that term very loosely as we were never dating. 
The first time it was because I was tired of getting scraps of the kind of attention I deserve. He couldn't even compliment me. Like what? Then you don't get access to my body or to me. But when I confronted him he was so emotionally mature. He opened up to me about the reason behind his shortcomings. He said his other relationships were suffering as well. Ours was not a relationship but a dynamic. He was my sub. Super obedient and consistent which we love, but I require some form of reverence. I don't do performative kink. I've done it before and it makes me cringe to think about it. It made me cringe then. ugh. 

Anyway he said he needs to get his life together. He's not where he thought he would be. He thought he'd have a better job by now, have his own home, etc. He said he needed to focus on himself and go to therapy. All of which I was very supportive of and frankly impressed. It was refreshing to see a man be so self aware and actually work on improving himself. As I do not like to discard ppl or be discarded, I asked if he wanted to stay friends. He said yes he would love that. Which made me very happy. 

As time went on, one thing was abundantly clear, he wanted to STRESS that we were only platonic. It was, alot. There was a proverbial brick wall up between us. And behind that a moat. Then 20 armed guards. Never verbalized. It was all in his energy. The way he seemed cold or detached when we spoke. The way he stayed like 3 ft away whenever we hung out. Yet he continued to reach out to me. I never texted him first. He seemed like he wanted some version of this connection. So I continued to be my kind supportive self. Getting excited for his milestones and things he was accomplishing. Telling him I was proud of him. Cheering him on. I remember telling him that he didn't have to be so cold with me. That the world wouldn't end if he showed a little sweetness. He apologized and said he was just tired. right. 

We've hung out a couple of times since downgrading to just friends and they were......unfulfilling. The conversation with him always stayed surface level. He would tell the same stories every time. There was never any depth. No vulnerability. No attempt to really connect. And I match energy. So I kept it surface level. If this is what he wants, fine. But he wasn't witty or funny. He was dry and frankly....boring. I don't think he really is that way, but he was with me. So uptight. 

Last week we were texting the usual back and forth nothingness and I told him I was proud of him and he said "Thank you Queen". Well my heart fluttered. It had been so long since he showed any kind of softness or affection towards me. I was like wow that's the nicest thing you've said to me in a long time.  He was like, I'm nice. I said yes you're a good boy, that's not in question. You just haven't been anything but business for months. He said he was just in his head bc he was afraid to lead me on. It's happened to him before so he's super conscious of it. I said look, why don't you just tell me what your boundaries are. I'm very good about respecting and honoring other people's boundaries. I was like, I just need to know whats allowed and not allowed so that we can relax in between that. Which felt like a reasonable request. I think we landed on a kiss on the cheek is ok. Like that's all he was willing to let me have. LOL. Again making things feel one sided because here I was trying to get close to him and the most he could give me was "i'll allow it", without reaching to meet me at all. But as usual I was super kind and understanding. He once again said he would try harder. Something I have heard from him a few times before. 

He has anxiety, he takes medication for it. He had a bad experience previously with a fwb he had for like 3yrs, they talked everyday, and she ghosted him. So he's carrying around hurt from that, plus anxiety about getting close to any one else. Which I don't blame him for. I tried very hard to work within his limitations. But after a while I was like.....why are we doing this? I was ok with it being a surface level thing when it was physical. Because I was getting my physical needs met in exchange for not having an emotional connection outside of that. Fine. But take that off the table, and don't replace it with emotional connection, or at the very least a true friendship and what is the point of any of it? I don't do empty surface level bullshit. He's not meeting any of my needs. Not physical, not emotional, not even mental stimulation. He's just slowly siphoning my energy, drip by drip. I had an energy leak and I was starting to feel depleted. 

I tried matching his energy by giving him very little and he felt it. Sure you guys can give me scraps but the minute I stop being my sweet glowing enthusiastic self, then you see an issue. 🙄 He asked me what was wrong, that something felt off. I used that as an opportunity to let him know how I was feeling...like actual filler. And one thing you gotta know about me is I AM NOT FILLER. I am, as evidence by this blog, incredible in a variety of ways and any person would be lucky to know me, let alone have me as a friend. I'm not here to be the packing peanuts of your life. Fuck that. My energy is way too valuable. 

He apologized. Said he's not doing as well as he thought. That his depression has gotten worse and his other relationship/friendships have been suffering as well. He said he never meant to make me feel like filler and he's really sorry that he did. It was a very kind, understanding and self aware response to me calling him out. I told him that it's ok, I didn't take it personally, he's got things to work on. I wished him luck and told him if he ever got really sad and needed a lifeline that he could text me at any time. I told him i'm not going anywhere, just removing myself from the equation for now. He never responded. Story of my life. 

I mean call me dumb for holding space for ppl I once felt close with, but I just can't discard ppl who imprinted on me. If I trust someone, that doesn't go away. Is that super naive? I dunno. I just don't see a point in holding a grudge. Or throwing someone away over some dumb bullshit. But I am learning to remove myself from situations that no longer serve me. And saving my energy for people who are pouring into my cup as well. Reciprocal energy. That's all I'm doing from now on.