I don't want to fuck the guy who's being all sexual with me. I wanna fuck the guy I see out with his friends or work colleagues. I wanna fuck the guy who's just out walking his dog minding his own business. I wanna fuck the guy who just went to buy some things at the store. I wanna fuck the bartender. I wanna fuck the guy who's just doing his job. I wanna fuck the guy who's just playing sports with his friends. I wanna fuck the guy who's not trying to be sexual at all he's just doing his normal thing. That is when he's the fucking sexiest. Especially when he's just nice and smiles. Fuuuuuuuuuck 🥵️🥵️🥵️\

The hottest thing a guy could do would be to invite me to some outing with him and his friends or some work event or something. So hot on so many levels. 💦💦That guy's probably gonna get fucked that night. 

As often as possible...well damn... ok....I usually have 7 days available on my free weeks....and they're filling up fast. I feel like....for science....I should be having more sex. I need to see if this stuff is working. 

It's been 4 weeks now since I last had dick. The best dick  so far. But life, ya know? 

I'm in this place where it's starting to creep up on me. The need. It's not full blown yet. I still have some time. But the craving is there. I miss being stretched out. I miss the bliss I get from giving an enthusiastic blow job.  God I love dick so much. 

However my need for connection is much much greater. I've been so isolated. I am starving for genuine connection. I value friendship so much more. It's so much harder to come by. I keep getting this idea of connection dangled in front of me as bait and its always a bait and switch.

I wish I could be that girl that just meets up for sex or whatever kind of sexual act but it's such a teeny part of me. I have to be in the right mood and that mood comes around so seldomly. Guys just don't get it. To them, its all about the physical. That seems to be the best thing. I get off on the emotional shit. That's what allows me to tap into the primal part. I can't put one before the other. It doesn't work that way. Maybe men need the physical to allow themselves to tap into a vulnerable emotional spot. But that starts the conversation about men not being taught to express emotions so they bury them in sex. And as much as I wish this was a platform to spark discussion it never seems to go that way. 

anyway...yeah.. i miss dick 😢

Last night was strange...

I went out to the usual haunts. There was a live band playing and I was enjoying the music. I treated myself to a few drinks and i was very loose.

I saw a guy there, a regular at the bar I always go to. He was with his gf. Everytime I run into them they're always so nice to me and treat me like we're old friends even though I've only ever had small talk in passing. They invited me to hang out and since I was alone I jumped at the opportunity. I was hanging out with their group all night. I would go to a different bar or walk around but I kept running into them. At the end of the night when all the bars were closing I sat alone on a bench sobering up before I could drive home. 3  drinks is my goddamn max and I was spinning. I was sitting listening to music on my headphones when guess who strolls by, the dude with the girlfriend. He sat down next to me. I took my headphones out to engage in what I thought would be a short convo. It wasn't.

Somehow it turned into this guy professing his interest in me. Telling me about how he's been checking me out since he first saw me (last year) at the bar. That he would look for me everytime he was there and that he would watch me when he saw me. He told me he would be lost looking at me and people were trying to get his attention. He told me women in their 20s throw themsleves at him (he's in his 50s i think) and basically implied he's had relations with many of the bartenders and servers in the area. But there was something about me. The way I kept to myself, he seemed to be super attracted to that. He just kind of layed all his feelings on the table. Telling me he wishes he had said something before he got a girlfriend and implying he's less than happy. And that he'd like to go out with me some time. 

like....WOWWWWWW....this was ALOT.

I was not prepared for this.  I'm sure to him this was some grand romantic gesture. And really what could I do but laugh nervously? I feel like I have trained myself to make men feel at ease in any situation as a means of self preservation. Not just men, anyone I perceive a threat. I used to do this with my sister as kids too. With her I would act like a buffoon to de-escalate. With men I just smile and laugh nervously.

This man was making me very uncomfortable and I felt like there was nothing I could say. I didn't feel comfortable saying "I'm not interested", it wasn't even a question. He didn't seem to think that was even an option because....he gets whoever he wants??? I certainly didn't reciprocate those feelings. I just got quiet and laughed nervously. Neutral. A voice inside me was saying "you should be flattered." But why? I don't have any interest in this man. Why must I entertain the advances of people I'm not into? Just because they show interest. What kind of damage is that? Now it's just gonna make every interaction awkward. Maybe I should just tell him I'm seeing someone. Which isn't a lie.

It made me think of the people who have made advances in my time there. It's always the ones I don't want. Isn't that always the way. I had a woman who I found completely unattractive ask me on a date. In front of everyone. Making it very awkward for me and hard to say no as I am always afraid to hurt anyone's feelings.

I've lately started getting into the habit of not even engaging with someone online if I know from the jump that I don't have any interest. I don't want to waste their time or lead them on or waste my energy. I'm not obligated to reciprocate anything. I had this guy reach out to me on a site. I wasn't interested so I did not engage. A week later he sent me a message telling me off that I should have told him I wasn't interested and that he was gonna block me. First of all, no response is a response. Take the hint. If I were to shoot my shot with a guy I found attractive and he didn't acknowledge that message, I would take the L and move on. What kind of incel bullshit is this demanding a response shit? I don't owe you shit. I'm not obligated to make you feel better. Sometimes its a hit and sometimes its a miss. That's life. I'm super nice. Almost to a fault. At the expense of my mental health and at times at the expense of my personal safety. But I'm not doing it anymore. 

I don't know why being nice has become "she's interested". It bites me in the ass every time. And its just my nature. I'm a friendly person. That has somehow turned into "she's easy" "she's asking for it" "I can make advances at her" "I can grab her body parts", etc. Jesus fucking christ. In this instance I was not flirting or anything. I was quite literally just being myself. 

I would have accepted a  "you know I always thought you were cute and had a little thing for you" to  gauge interest. To which I would have responded "aww, that's nice" and he would have gotten his answer. Do not proceed. 

Why is no one ever interested in a goddamn friendship? I'm interesting as a love interest or for sex, but how bout just getting to know me and hanging out just as 2 fucking people? jesus. ugh. /end rant. 

So it's been a tough week for me, emotionally. Which killed my sex drive. But I've slowly been trying to dig my way out of that depression hole. I started taking something to help and both yesterday and today it made me horny. H-O-R-N-Y. Yesterday after a workout I had to get myself off in the middle of my living room.

​Then today....TODAY....mama....she was HORNY. I took out some toys to play. And play I did! WOWZA. I ended up finding some hot porn (don't ask, I don't share my porn viewing with others), it was mother/son porn. I've been in the mood lately. I came once, twice. Then I struck up a conversation that led me cum again. 3 times. I swear I tried to stop. I got up and cleaned the mess I made, then I walked around with the plug in my ass bc it was happy there. But I needed something inside my pussy. Luckily I have my old yoni eggs so I pulled out the biggest one I had and stuck it in. I posted a picture for scale. 

Of course I got these YEARS ago. Now that I'm used to big cock I wish I had a bigger egg. The feelings of being stretched out is sooooo delicious. But walking around with both holes filled with heavy objects was hot. Then he starts up the conversation again. The mommy role play. This sends me. I swear I was trying to stop! It's been hours at this point! But fuuuuuuuuuuuuck it got me so turned ON!!!!

More porn...deeper down the rabbit hole. We've left the mother/son stuff and ventured into different territory. Now this is questionable territory. I shouldn't like watching this. But in this moment it's extreme and that's what gonna make me cum. And cum I did. 4 times today. 4 times. 

whewwww.....what is this stuff i'm taking? I'm worried its gonna turn me into a complete slut. Correction, I'm worried its going to bring out the total slut i am deep down inside. 😬

​How would you feel? The most turned on I’ve ever been was in college when my boyfriend was playing with my pussy while I was talking on the phone with another guy. I was so turned on. It was the perfect set up. Mental stimulation coming from the guy on the phone and the physical touch of my boyfriend. I wanted so badly for him to fuck me, and I wanted the guy on the phone to hear all of it and jerk off to it. I wanted to hear him jerking off. God it would have been the ultimate for me. But my boyfriend was upset by this and wanted me to focus on him. And I get that. So he stopped altogether and left me horny and untouched. But man that was the one time in my life where I felt like I had a major case of blue balls. I was pissed. I came so close to immense pleasure and it was all taken away from me. 

It’s just that I get more from the mental stimulation than the physical. And I’ve never had both at the same time to that degree. Somehow being able to detach one from the other makes it easier for me. I can just enjoy the physical for what it is, a beautiful supplementation to the mental. It would be SO explosive.


You guys are willing to share your partner with another man in a threesome, so what about a threesome where you’re the only one touching her? And you get help making her cum. Not from a sex toy, but from a headless voice over the phone. Would you ever do it? I have spent so many years trying to find that again. I need it so so bad. It could really unlock something for me. It doesn’t even have to be phone. It could be text even. Would you place importance on the fact that you were physically the one to make her orgasm? Or would it bother you too much to have that help?

I'm genuinely curious if anyone would be up for this. This is on my list of experiences I want to have so badly. 

Sometimes when I text with someone (really only one person right now who I feel comfortable doing this with) I get so turned on and I say all sorts of things to myself. If I had a guy there I could say it to him. Think about it, t would take away my natural shyness and bring out the freaky side of me. Imagine reaping all the rewards of turning a girl on without having to do the mental gymnastics. It would only be for oral. After that i'd put the phone down and have him fuck me senseless. 

Maybe we could take pics or video (no faces) to share with the guy on the phone. This way everyone gets off. Hot hot hot. And pretty kinky I think. 

I would love to have a boy toy that was just there to please me in whatever way I want including this way. 

I've gotten to a point in my life and in my journey where I'm not shrinking down anymore. I am going to speak up. If something doesn't sit right with me I'm gonna say something. If I'm uncomfortable I'm gonna say something. If I sense you're not being genuine I'm going to say something. I used to be afraid to speak up and make someone mad. I have abandonment issues coupled with people pleasing.

Which is also why I found myself customizing myself for whomever I was talking to. Some guys are interested in me but they are very vocal about what they don't like. OR what they do. Which is totes fine. We're not gonna line up with everything. But I used to do that thing where I was afraid to express part of myself bc they wouldn't be attracted to that. But I'm no longer doing that. And I have to say it's a really great place to be! 

I love this blog. It's so liberating. Yeah it's entertaining to read but it's more so a place for me to express the thoughts I can't express to anyone else. I have layers. Layers and layers. And they don't all have to be for you. But I'm never again going to be afraid to say something due to fear of judgment. 

You want to know about me? Get in my head? It's all here in black and white. Take it or leave it. I won't apologize for my preferences or my fantasies or my values. Everyone has them. 

I'm trying to be more like this in real life as well. I used to hide being a sexual person. But I'm a grown woman. A single woman at that. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me being a sexual creature. And I'm going to own that.

In general I've gotten better at letting people leave. I used to put a perfect stranger's opinion of me above my own self! Now I'm at a place where I know my worth. I don't need anyone go complete me or validate me. I'm absolutely the prize and you'd be lucky to have me. So If speaking my truth makes you upset or uninterested then have a nice life. Growth! You're witnessing growth. :)

​

I love the idea of being the star of a MFM threesome. I love the idea of 2 men making me their soul focus. And not using me, but really focused on pleasing me. Even working together as a team to please me. That's the dream. I've been part of a MMF threesome and that was fun but I was not the focus. And I have ZERO interest in a FFM threesome because I don't like to share my toys. I'm greedy. 

Would love to get to a point where I can do this. I'm close. I have a guy I can really trust but he's moving away. It would take a while to get there again with someone else. Still, I'm a woman on a sexual journey with lots to explore and ample time to do it. I'm not in a rush. I will say I'm getting closer and closer to acting on some fantasies of mine and even keeping my mind open for new experiences. Which for me is pretty big.

You kids these days, in such a rush. You want everything to be instant. You're ready for sex after one conversation. It must be a generational thing because I just can't do that. It's just one more act you jump right into. Not me. Everything is done with intention and consideration. Everything has consequences. 

I really do want to have these experiences but things just have to be right. I'm not just gonna do it to do it. 

side note......a threesome with all girls sounds fun as well. 

You're my VIP friends 😉. You got to see this before I took it down.