As I wean myself off these lactation pills I'm noticing positive changes. I've been taking some natural supplements to help with my energy levels and focus. It's helping. Little by little I'm feeling better. I was able to get a very simple gentle workout in today but I really really want to get back to being able to workout like I used to. I feel so bloated. I love my body but my clothes don't fit!! I've been feeling bloated and uncomfortable in my midsection and carrying more weight in my face which I hate. I'm such a pretty girl and I feel like the weight in my face fucks with my confidence. I was feeling so cunt a year ago. I was feeling cute and found a style that looks good on me. I really wanna get back to that. Don't get me wrong, lactating made me feel voluptuous and feminine. But I feel like I want to feel better in my own skin. I'm sure you can relate. Being a little more fit just feels better.  It's mostly to do with my flexibility and stamina. I want that back. And I wanna feel cute in my clothes again. 

Among the positive changes I would say the most notable is my sex drive coming back. Omg! It's so exciting! It reminds me of how I used to be!! Especially when ovulating. I was like a tiger searching for prey. I've been masturbating more! I've caught myself being turned on more. like ugh...yesssss. I missed this!!!!!! I want it back! I miss fucking. I miss being THIS horny. I miss being this sexual. Lactating was fun but it's not worth giving up my sex drive. I'm currently trying to establish connections with men I find attractive and have some chemistry with so that I can call on them when the mood strikes. I just want dick on call. And back up dick. And back up for the back up. Then i'll be happy. I don't want a relationship. I wanna focus on me. But I want men for cuddles and light friendship and solid dick. Wish me luck!!

I talk about my pussy alot. I think it's because I don't think it's gotten the attention I want. A big part of that is me and overcoming my hang ups. I've been making progress with the help of my trusty sub. Getting more comfortable with receiving oral pleasure. But I also think he just enjoys the act of being submissive and giving pleasure. Acts of service as it were. Sometimes I think he doesn't really care about me, I'm just a place holder for him. And he happily services me to scratch his own itch. I don't feel like a goddess as much as I feel like I have the power to get what I want. Which is nice but I want to feel desired and craved. Not serviced. I feel like that's more of a guy thing. But that's not for him to worry about. He's just a friend that comes to make me happy from time to time. And I totally appreciate him for it.

But I think a lot about the traits my person will have. I think about all the times I've gotten close with the qualities I want in a man. I always go back to this one. I want a man who worships my pussy. Not just eats it for the sake of eating it. But i think my ideal man, my person, will love my pussy.  He'll crave it. The smell of it,  the taste of it,  the feel of it. He'll try to get between my legs all the time. He'll beg me to eat it. He'll wanna smell me, even when i'm sweaty. He likes it. And he'll make sure to tell me all the time how pretty it is, how yummy it is, and how good it feels to be inside me. I want him to be like "goddamn that pussy" because it's so good he can never last too long. But he always wants more. :)

I've seen the way some guys talk about pussy. I def need lots of words of affirmation and praise when it comes to my pussy. It's not enough to want it or eat it,  you have to tell me you want it. You need it. Beg for it. ​Yeah thats the level of pussy worship I strive to find. And I know it's out there!! 

Well we had a good run. June was magical. Thats all I can say. It reminded me that I don't want a real relationship. For now I just want the fantasy. Just the exciting part where anything could happen. Where there's just passion and excitement and build up. Where you're just sharing the best parts of yourself. Not interested in things getting real. I want to have fun. I was in the real thing way too long. Now i know better to stick to my guns and not give in to someone who thinks he wants a relationship. I need to be more firm and next time I will be. I learned my lesson. I'm here to have fun an enjoy each other and nothing more than that. 

once I got over the addiction of it all I began to think clearly. I still have my sub who i'm grateful for. We keep things real on the surface and just enjoy and appreciate each other and our time together. I'm still kind of holding out for a big dick boy to fuck me bc I have needs. But I wouldn't say I'm actively looking. Just that I'm open to it. I think the problem most men have is that they think it's all or nothing. If they don't want a relationship they act like they can't have any feelings at all and treat sex as a cheap transactional thing. They're cheating themselves. I still want a connection and when I'm with that person I want some feeling and caring and affection. I just know how to compartmentalize and keep communication just to the encounters we have. This way my focus and energy is not on that person when we're not together. And its been wonderful and I'd like to find more connections like that.

For now I'm focusing on ME. on what I like and what I want. Putting my pleasure, my comfort, my convenience, and my feelings above other ppl. Because I owe that to myself. And so far I am LOVING life. I see being single very differently now. I'm not looking for a man as a life raft. Or for validation. I'm open to making genuine deep connections and enjoying someone's company that's all. The rest I really have under control. I'm the best relationship I've ever had! Plus I'm working on new things.

Let me know if you would like an audio section of the blog. I'm working on some stuff. 

I'm sad to be writing this. It's been a long interesting journey to get to lactating. But I did it! I went from having some curiosity to finding a community and spending hundreds on pumps, supplements, and prescription pills to help me lactate. And it was worth every penny. 

I did this for me first and foremost. To prove to myself that I could. After struggling with breastfeeding when I had my son I wanted to prove to myself I could do better this time and this time it would be a positive stress free experience. And it was! It took months. From the very first drops of discharge to finally getting milk. Then to getting to that sweet vanilla milk. 

Lactating made me feel soooo feminine and sexy. It was like having a super power. It gave me something not all women have. It boosted my confidence and my sexuality. I loved the way men would flock to me. Sadly I never found that steady partner for nursing. Between that and the negative side effects like weight gain, irregular periods, mood swings and low sex drive it just seemed pointless. Who was all of this for? In the end it's just not worth it. I want to get myself back. 


While I sadly never found a regular guy to nurse I at least had the opportunity a few times. My very favorite was with my sweet Jonah. Words can't express how much I enjoyed the brief time we had together. He was everything I wanted in a nursing partner, I just loved how easily he fit in my lap. Sadly he never got any milk, it wouldn't come till after him. My most successful nursing experience was with my most recent boyfriend who was actually able to get a few drops of milk and he loved the taste. It was such a beautiful experience with him but bc of the angle we had to do it in I could never fully relax for fear of smothering and suffocating him with my breast. I was proud of the fact that he went from not being sure what to think about my lactating when we first met to craving my milk. I just wish we could have had more opportunities to nurse. 

 As sad as I am to close this chapter I also know its the right thing for me. I look fwd to getting my body back again. I take comfort in the fact that I did it once already. So if further down the line I decide I wanna do it again I already know how!

Thanks for coming along on this ride with me. I learned some things about myself. Even without lactation I think dry nursing is just as hot. Also, I realized just how important my breasts and nipples are to my pleasure. And how much attention they need and not to neglect that. I'd much rather  a guy worship my tits than go down on me. And I plan on keeping my breast pumps for my own pleasure. They're gonna become sex toys for me. 

In honor of me closing this chapter I figured I would share some of my fav pics from this journey. Enjoy!!