I have spent the last 2 weeks taking care of everyone's needs but my own. Dealing with a physically demanding job, emotional turmoil, an anxiety attack and a health scare, not to mention being a mom. At this point I am pouring from an empty cup. I would love to meet someone who pours into my cup. It would be nice to have my needs met for a change. And not just sex. Not sure why guys think that's their gift to women. 

My fucking shoulder feels dislocated. My feet are killing me. I haven't had time to eat since 10am. All I want to do is rest. Do nothing. I don't even have the energy to cook. But nope, more is required of me.

I really need to focus my attention on ME for a while. I need a lot of self care. Ain't no one else gonna do it. This blog might dry up for a while, friends. Cheers though. Hope you're having more fun than me. 

I don't know why I'm feeling so sexual right now. I just got over my period so its not like I'm ovulating yet. But damn.....my pussy really really really needs attention.

I'm starting to regret my previous decision with the last guy bc that level of body worship is something I'm craving right now. I really want to just use someone for my pleasure right now. Like SO bad. Like.....fuuuck. And I can tell I'm in the mood bc I find myself thinking about hooking up with randos which I don't do. My horniness is clouding my judgment. Fuck fuck fuck. I feel like i'm gonna take some kind of action i'll regret later.

Before May of this year I had gone months and months and months without being touched. Then I got a taste for good consistent dick. And it was magical. I never had to go more than 2-3 weeks without being touched. But distance and my real life obligations is making scheduling good dick difficult. Mr. Big is about 4 hours away. Not impossible but difficult to arrange. 

I thought I had something to supplement that but that's fallen through. Which fucking sucks. I am so sick of masturbating. I want to be touched. Caressed. Cuddled. Teased. Devoured. I keep getting excited at the thought of sex toys bringing  me pleasure but all they do is vibrate. How fucking boring is that? Toys will never satisfy me. I need a man. I need his touch. I need his presence. I know that whole thing ppl say of like "I don't need a man, I have toys." not me. lol. Toys can never replicate men for me. Oh how I wish they could!!!

Once you've felt the slick wet slurps of a man's tongue on your pussy, the varying pressure, the feeling of his entire face pushed up against you, ravenous, wanting to devour you, well....there's no toy replication of that. 

And don't get me started on dick. I adore dick. I dream about dick. Nothing beats the feel of a hot fleshy cock. Nothing. Sorry. 

I just started working and after a long day all I want is a massage and to have my pussy devoured.....

It takes me sooooo long to find someone to be intimate with. There's a certain level of trust and respect that has to be earned. I don't take this lightly. Yet despite all that people still disappoint me. I always care too much. That's my damage. Fucking demisexual bullshit. I just want to have some value to someone I'm intimate with.

Anyway, now I'll have to find someone else to fill that slot. Is it possible to find a guy who's willing to please me orally for hours, is normal and communicates well, and doesn't expect anything in return? It was hard to find the first time. I really do want to find that person to worship my body and focus on my pleasure. It's actually a major role in my journey. One that holds a lot of weight. I'm trusting this person, being at my MOST vulnerable with them. And with that I do expect this person to appreciate that this is a big deal to me. Which makes them special. I don't get intimate with just anyone. This is someone I plan to be consistent with. I want them to watch me blossom into someone who knows their body and knows exactly how to receive pleasure. I have so much growing to do in that dept. They could play a pivotal role in that journey. 

I'm too mentally exhausted to try to find someone on Reddit and plus I deleted it from my phone. 

If you can recommend someone you trust, let me know. I feel like those of you who actually read this see value in me, otherwise why would you follow me? I do appreciate you by the way. ​😘

I prefer being in my feminine energy. 
​

I had been getting emails that guys were gonna be coming for a fire inspection to check out all the units this week. Today was my day. I knew I'd be at work today so they wouldn't see me. But I was tempted to leave a sex toy on my bedspread. Maybe mess the blankets up a little bit to make it look like I just used it and left. 😂😂😂

Is that naughty of me? What to you think their reaction would have been? At the very least I hope it would have sparked some thoughts and they could fill in the details. 😈😈😈 

But I was in such a hurry this morning that it completely slipped my mind until I got the notification they were entering my place. When I was driving passed the gate I saw all their trucks leaving one by one and that last one had a cutie driving and I definitely  lingered. I've been doing that lately. Making more intentional eye contact with men. Even walking around the mall. I've noticed guys look at me all the time. They just never come up to me. Oh they get close some times. I wonder what they expect. lol. If they get close enough i'll approach them? lol anyway....maybe one day.

Maybe I should wear a tshirt that says "can you smell my perfume?" as an ice breaker. 

Let me just point out how impressed I was that he's been consistent for weeks. This is something I value and appreciate. He always texted back. And its not like we chatted all the time. We would maybe sometimes exchange a few texts. But he never made me feel forgotten or ignored. Always keeping the same if not more enthusiasm. When we planned the date I made sure to confirm. Here's what you need to know about me, I like a solid agreed upon plan in advance. Then I need confirmation the day before, the morning of, later in the day, and right before. He did all that. 

Then, he PICKED ME UP. Ladies and gentleman. In the year and a half I've been out on dates, no man has EVER picked me up before. It felt so lovely. We went to dinner and chatted, enjoyed each other's company. He very kindly and without a word, picked up the check. I was so impressed. 

Then we come back to my place. He brought a toothbrush because he "cares about my vaginal health". I mean what a good boy. Have you ever?? Ladies? Because I've never met a guy that gave 2 shits about my vaginal health. They wanna fuck without a condom bc it feels better for them but never consider what that might do to our ph balance. But I digress. 

So far this guy has been a total gentleman. Guys, I was NERVOUS!!!!! I've never really done this before ya know? I tried to prepare for everything. I'm not one to just jump into anything sexual. For me there needs to be build up and flirting and all that. But I deiced to not treat this as a precious thing. Our vibe was more of a friendly one, not a passionate one. He's really easy to be around and I would really enjoy doing social things with him. So I figured this would be a friendly/oral thing. But still, I didn't know where to start! How do we???? He laughed like i was such a newb (clearly everyone is better at this kind of thing than I am), and just started making out with me. Then we started peeling off clothes and got into bed.

I won't go into graphic details bc he's gonna see this. lol. But the guy is good with his mouth. He went down on me for a good while. Then he changed it up and gave me a massage. One of the best massages ever. So good with his hands. I felt like I was living out a fantasy. By the end of of the massage he was eating me from behind. Then he put me on my back and went down on me again. This time I finally came!!

DID YOU HEAR ME??? I SAID I CAME! Guys.....no one since my husband has ever made me cum. 

It was an overall lovely experience and I'm looking fwd to doing it again. But....I did hold back. Ugh you guys, this is...I'm really exposing myself here. When I'm really turned on........

ok...Is it squirt? Is it pee? I don't know but i'm suuuuper self conscious about it. Some guys think its gross. Some don't. The last thing I wanna do is do that to a guy who has to then suffer through it if he doesn't like it. And I could feel it happening a few times while he was down there and I was trying so hard to hold it in. The truth is, i could let go completely and probably have an extremely powerful orgasm but also possibly make a goddamn puddle on the bed (its happened when  I masturbate) and I'm too scared to take that chance. Because I genuinely don't know whats coming out of me. Sometimes its one thing, sometimes its another. It's also hard, mid cunnilingus to stop and say let me go empty my bladder just in case, and even when I have right before doing anything, stuff still comes out! 

Anyway I held back as much as I could and said a prayer that it wasn't too bad. 

But let me just say, I have always wanted my body worshipped and he gave me that. And it was the most incredible experience to make it all about me, my body, and my pleasure. I've never had that before! It was magical. 

I also am pretty sure I know exactly what i like, long slow teasing licks. Jesus I can't tell you how good that feels. I want that for a long time. Just slow slow licks. ughhhhhhh *melt*. That and alot of tongue flicking and side to side action. Yeah buddy. 

anyway.........that's the story!!! 

I've been trying to gather my thoughts.... so much to say! How much do I want to reveal?? hmm....

I met a boy...a young man....he posted on reddit about going down on someone without reciprocation. Which I tend to see from time to time. But what got my attention was when he said something to the effect of "Don't bother responding if you can't last for a couple of hours". That made my ears perk up because it takes me forever to cum.

I've had hang ups about having someone go down on me bc I'm just afraid they won't enjoy it for some reason or another. I've gotten over my hang ups about aesthetics bc Mr. Big is constantly telling me  how pretty my pussy is. But it takes me so long to cum and i'm like no one is gonna wanna go down on me for that long. They'll get bored or tired. I feel bad. I wouldn't wanna give head for that long. And I love to give head. But let the record show, when i do it, the guys usually don't last too long. But some guys claim to love to do it for hours. So who knows.

All I know is I NEEEEED to get over this hump. I need to get comfortable having someone go down on me. I need to learn to accept pleasure and stop apologizing for taking a long time. I need practice so I can figure out what feels best and what makes me cum. Maybe with more exposure I can fully stop holding back and let go and i can cum sooner. 

So I decided to reach out. We chatted a bit. He seemed normal. We met for coffee, it went well. We ended up talking for a couple of hours. After that meeting he asked me to get tested which I did. Between the time the results took to come back and my schedule of only being available every other week, weeks went by. But every once in a while we'd text flirty things to each other.

Then finally came a week when I was free and in the mood and we made the plan....

If you want to hear details about that meeting stay tuned for part 2. its all too much for one entry. 

when they fucked up so now they'll never get access. ​🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️