It’s cuffing season. And anyone who’s single is feeling that ache for someone to hold. Someone to care about them. I’ve been feeling it pretty hard this year. Last year I was absolutely miserable and depressed, trapped in that house with my ex. This year I have my freedom and it’s the first time I’m really feeling that deep deep ache for affection. I’ve been with someone for 23yrs. Being alone is new to me. It has its pros and cons. I really really miss romance. I miss emotional connection. The holidays are especially brutal. I worry about my ex. I def think it’s harder being a single man at the holidays. I hope he has people keeping him warm from time to time. He deserves that. My saving grace during this time has been Mr. Big. My consistent connection. He’s given me space. He’s been keeping busy doing his own thing. He’s trying to find someone local to him. and I’m taking a break from men entirely. Which, woof, makes those feelings of loneliness extra loud. But anytime I reach out he always answers. And my heart lights up when I get a random text from him. To know he’s thinking about me makes me feel wanted. Special. So it means a lot to me to have him.

Over Thanksgiving break just little check ins from him were all I needed to feel sane. I’m really thankful for him. I knew he’d be driving back to NC on Sunday so I suggested he stop by my place on his way to visit for a bit. I knew we could both use the company. I've been taking a break from being sexual with him and he's been an absolute gentleman and hasn't sent me any pics or sexual things. And I absolutely cherish him for that. It really shows me he cares about me as a person. I told him I wanted to hang out but nothing sexual. He was totally understanding and just wanted to see me.

He got here around 9. We sat on the couch and talked and cuddled. Then we stood in the kitchen and talked. He's not really a tv guy so we don't usually do that.  In the kitchen I noticed him getting that look in his eye. The kitchen is usually when he breaks me. lol. But not this time. I told him, don't make that face. I could tell he was really holding back. He rubbed my back and I was like....man that feels so good. I haven't had that kind of comfort from a man in so long. I told him, hey, can we just go lay down and touch each other? I really miss being touched. But nothing else, just touch. He made me look him in the eye and tell him we're not having sex. And it took me a few tried but I did it. I don't know if deep down I really took myself seriously. I told him we can each take off one article of clothing, but I get to choose what it is. I chose jeans for him, bc cuddling in jeans seems so uncomfortable. I chose shirt for me because my boobs needed attention. 

We got in my bed and cuddled and he started feeling romantic. He was holding back and then carefully started saying some very sweet romantic things to me. Things I always fantasized he would say to me. As a demisexual you have to know that romance is a HUGE turn on. It felt like he was....it felt like foreplay. The words were so sexy to me. I asked him to straddle me and play with my nipples while he told me a story. HOLY FUCK. I cannot even explain the ecstasy I was feeling from this.You know it's wild to me how much guys drool over my tits and when the time comes they NEVER spend more than a min or two on them. Like, what the fuck? They're not just for visual effect, they're fully functioning. It's always sooooo disappointing each time. I would rather a guy just focus on my nipples than go down on me. When I tell you this is my spot, I'm NOT kidding!  

So he was telling me his story while pulling and pinching my nipples...
-side note- maybe I should give a tutorial on how to work the nipples the exact way i want, maybe a follow up post. 
...I was in absolute heaven, he sucked them a bit and i LOVED that. Then he said "I have a proposition for you.....what If I stuck it in and didn't move it?" I said "REALLY???" I really love the feeling of having a dick inside me filling me but not moving. He told me at most I would feel him shift but thats it. I said OK! and threw my pants off. He slid it in because by this time i was sloppy wet and then he continued playing with my nipples with his dick inside me and me playing with my clit. Then we began a little bit of mother/son roleplay (his suggestion), it fit the whole vibe of me being in control. He continued the nippleplay, and told a story about his "teacher at college" and after a while I managed to have a very deeep delicious orgasm where my vaginal muscles pulsed around his cock. When I tell you it was soooooooooooo good. Also I totally let go and I know I soaked my sheets. It was the first time I ever came with him. I was high on pleasure.  He started to fuck me....gently....he could have done anything to me at that point, my body was ready and willing and fully lubricated. He fucked me so good. I was afraid I was making a puddle. He sounded like he was reeeaaally enjoying my pussy. He ended up shooting a big load inside of me. It's funny because we never even switched positions. We both ended up cumming not to far apart. It was awesome. 

You know what I really loved about the entire experience? That the whole thing was geared towards my wants/needs/pleasure. I didn't do anything to him. It was about me. My rules, my body, my preferences, my pace. I loved it. And it was romantic and sweet and gentle. God...I'm craving it again. 

I have to say it was better than my last experience with the guy who went down on me. The orgasm was better. More connection, more build up, and nipples are more sensitive than the clit. Or at least, they experience pleasure on a higher level than my clit. The clit is simply the closer. 

So yeah that was my night and it was absolutely lovely. Thank you Mister Big Dick. You know whats funny? I didn't even focus on his dick at all last night. I was really focused on myself. I forgot to even look at it until he pulled out and  I was reminded once again what a showpiece it is. 

I took a pic of the aftermath. Thank goodness for waterproof mattress pads. 

Honestly I don't know if this is a form of self love, or if  I'm appreciating the female form or if I'm attracted to women in this way. I really don't know. I know that I'm not romantically attracted to women. Which is what holds me back from anything like that because for me connection is HUGE and the most connection I could have with another woman would be friendship or sexual. 

But anyway I say all that to say this. Lately I've been coming across plus size women either on social media or in other places and I found myself looking at them in a way I haven't before. For a long time I looked at them the way most of society does. But as I began learning self love and body positivity I began seeing them (and myself) as beautiful. Beautiful despite not fitting into societal norms for beauty standards. But now? Now it's different. Now its.....God.....what a sexy boy. Look at her. There's something just so.......feminine and fertile about a soft round woman. I find myself celebrating and being attracted to femininity in the female form. If I ever was to be with a woman I would prefer one who's got big tits, big thighs, a big belly, big arms. So much to squeeze and grab and love on. I mean I don't even know how someone could not be attracted to that. It's so.....juicy! And I have been really celebrating the juiciness in my own body. Things I used to hide, my massive thighs, my big arms, my round face, rolls on my sides, now I can't help but look at them as these absolutely juicy parts of myself that any man would be lucky to touch. My curves make me so happy. And I'm looking at some of these women like 😍 salivating, wishing I could get my hands on them. The thought of seeing one of these bbw girlies on her back with her big thighs in the air and grabbing her big tits and squishing them together, and just melting into that. Yeah, I mean its real goddess vibes. If you get to be with a plus size woman I think you should. You won't be disappointed. 

On the flip side of that however, I simply am not attracted to these qualities in men. Why is that? Is it because I want to be with a guy who's body is very different than mine? Is it because I'm attracted to masculinity in men and to me that means strong arms and less curvy bodies? I like the hard edges in men. I find that the juxtaposition of that against the ultra soft plush body of a curvy woman is titillating. Ultra masculine, vs ultra feminine. I mean don't get me wrong. Everyone has their own personal taste. A thinner woman with pretty tits and a nice ass is the standard of beauty and of course its great! I personally find it basic and boring but thats just me. I like a gym guy as much as the next girl. But I do find love handles on a guy so sexy and juicy. I find normal bodies really hot. Again, preferences. I hear the term  "dad bod" get thrown around alot. People just use it to describe anything that isn't a gym bod. I've seen some guys and said "that's not a dad bod". I guess guys don't have a lot of descriptors when it comes to their body types. 

I find myself gravitating to the skinny boys. Never been with a gym guy. But I hear there are many of them who love big curvy girls. My taste in men has actually been expanding in that I've been looking at  guys lately I've never considered before. It's SSOOOOO interesting for me to notice the evolution in my tastes. 

It's pretty cool to find your own body type super sexy in others. But I know a lot of guys who look for their own body type when hooking up with other guys. 

I would love opportunities to explore different people. And maybe one day that will be in my cards. If it happens organically. 

For now, all just thoughts. The urge to have some big titties in my hands is growing though ​🥵️ And speaking of tits....

Here's me in my double D bra. I don't see much of a difference from the last one but I think it fits better. 
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A little update on me. I have decided to be celibate for the time being. Don't know how long. Could be for the end of the year. Could be 6 months. Who knows. I've also cut off contact with men. As you can see comments are off. I don't go on reddit anymore. The only reason I don't delete my account is bc I worked hard to build it up to what it is and I don't want to delete it on a whim. Although I might at some point. 

But I thought about it, I don't want bad experiences to ruin something I love. And I love writing about sexual things. I built this blog as a home for all my stories and experiences. Despite being over guys I still have sexual desires. And honestly cutting off comments feels like no one is here but me and kind of lets me open up more than I normally would. 

As for my life at the moment, its going really well!! I've been focusing all my energy on me and I've been having so much progress on my life goals. I'm super super excited to see what I can accomplish! 

With all that being said, I will say I was very productive today. I'm making strides towards my professional goals. So I thought to myself, self love is a form of self care. And giving myself pleasure is one of the best things I can do for myself!! So after this you can read about that. cheers!

impressive dick size........not an impressive pizza size. sigh.....i gotta get my metrics in order.