Thanks to that last young one for absolutely proving my fucking point. Every. Single. Time. And this is why I have age limits. ​🙄

A little token for those of you who followed me here from Reddit. I got a new bra so I thought id show it off...

I don't know why it took me so long. My kid is obsessed with them. It wasn't till I held one of his stuffed animals when I was feeling high anxiety and it lulled me to sleep that I realized the power of having something to hug. As a single (but extremely affectionate) woman I often long for someone's touch. Even a hug from a friend or family member. I'm pretty alone here. And while I like my independence, I am human and crave human contact. I decided the next best thing was getting a plushie of my own.

So I got her. She's adorable. She's a squishmallow and I think she's a strawberry shortcake. And I love having something to hold at night. Gosh who knew how much it would help? And now I've also noticed it feels good to let out all the sappy mushy lovey dovey things i miss saying to someone. I can't actually say those things to anyone. But to her, I can say the most over the top sappy mushy loving things and it feels good to be able to say that stuff again. Even if its just to a sqishmallow. And with her it's never "too much" or "over the top". It's really wild. I've had someone to love most of my adult life. It's strange not having that anymore.

If anyone reading this didn't come from Reddit let me give you a little backstory.
When I moved into my apt I got into the habit of being scantily clad when the maintenance man comes over. Not on purpose but he usually just shows up when i'm walking around not very dressed. Now it's become a fun pass time for me. To dress semi exposed and act like nothing out of the normal is going on. Just to see his reaction.

A different guy came today. Not my usual older teddy bear of a guy. This one was an older Asian man with an accent. He walked in with a serious face but after a few min around me he began smiling and making little jokes. It was cute. As usual I didn't know when he would show up so I just made sure to be wearing what I would want to open the door in. Today it was pajama pants and a white cropped tank top. My breasts (and nipples especially) were quite visible. I plan to wear this when those 3 guys come back to change my smoke detectors. That's going to be really fun. These were younger guys and they were very friendly. I want to give them a nice eye full. 

God I love being single and living alone.

I've had so many men tell me, as if to warn me, that they have a high sex drive. Right up top. Before we even meet. Can't tell you how many times I've heard this. And it's like yeah, no duh, you're a guy. 

In my marriage I never wanted sex. I thought I was defective. That did a number on my self worth. However since I've been out having sex with other people I have discovered that I LOVE sex. I LOVE cock. 

However I move extremely slow with men. For various reasons. One being I'm demisexual and I need an emotional connection. That means getting to know someone on a deeper level. And to be able to talk about more than just sex.  Another being that I have to vett these guys. Men will lie and say whatever it takes to get a woman to let down her guard. But they can only keep that shit up for so long.  The process takes longer with some than others. With Mr. Big things went really fast bc he was so genuine from the beginning. He wasn't trying to trick me or manipulate me. He was just himself and we were able to have thought provoking conversations. I never felt like I had to walk on eggshells with him. In fact the opposite, I was a hard ass from the get go, laying down rules and he was happy to oblige. It's honestly the first real consistent fwb I've ever had. He's kind and I feel like he cares about me and appreciates me. He's told me as such. And I care about him as well. He's just a really good guy. Wish I could find more like him. Because my only complaint is that I'm not getting his cock often enough. 

Like UGHHHHHHH.....I need it like....once a week. I feel like...that would be...balanced right? You do your thing, I do mine, but dick me down once a week and I'll be a happy girl. Or maybe twice a week?

It got me to thinking, do I have a high sex drive? It's definitely higher than it ever was before. Maybe I'm at my sexual peak. When I spontaneously drove out to Chatenooga to spend the weekend with a guy I met on Bumble last summer, I remember being sexually available to him anytime his dick got hard. I was just ready to go. It was fun. :)

I think if a guy knows how to turn me on mentally he's fucking got me. The mental is soooooooo important!!! I can't get wet from just the physical. But the mental will make me wet every single time. But fuck man, all these guys online wanna do is talk. They're all talk!!!! This is why I don't entertain it. Meet me. Then we'll talk. I'm less about talking about it and more about doing it.

He told me that most girls talk a big game but in person they act differently. Which I get. But i'm that girl in person. Only because I knew I could trust him and I was able to let down my guard and show him a side of me that very few men have ever gotten to experience. I like that version of me. She's fun as fuck. She knows how to have a good time. And she looooooves to fuck. I want to explore her more. But ughhhhhhhh I feel crazy being the one begging for someone to come over and fuck me already. There's so much to explore. Going 2-3 weeks in between sex is really frustrating. I've gotten a taste for it and now I want more more more!!!

I suppose I'll begin with the moment our marriage headed downhill....

But let me first preface this by painting a picture. We were your typical old married couple. We had a kid and a routine and were basically just going through the motions. Neither of us were really getting our needs met. Sure we loved each other but we were more like roommates and co-workers managing the house and the kid. I have been made to feel like i'm not doing my part as a wife for many many years because I wasn't meeting his sexual needs. I tried so hard. I tried dealing with my hormones. I tried any and every pill, oil, tea or potion that promised increase in libido. I tried contraptions. i thought, I must be broken, and it's my duty as a wife to FIX MYSELF for my husband. There were plenty of times I forced myself to have sex thinking that the more I do it, the more I'll want to do it. This wasn't true but it did by me a day or 2 of him being nicer to me. Brownie points as it were. 

Honestly it went on for so long its a mystery he didn't cheat on me, though he did threaten to on one occasion. Which made me put even more pressure on myself. He told me at a certain point he just resigned himself to never having sex. Like, he just gave up. Like some kind of martyr. 

During the pandemic he started therapy. And sometime in 2021 he decided to take his happiness into his own hands and he bravely brought up the idea of an open marriage. It shocked me. I was really taken aback by this. Mind you I had already given him an out to this marriage the year before but he refused to take it. This was, I guess, his compromise. He got to keep his wife and his comfortable life and have someone else take care of his needs, thus taking the pressure off of me. See what a gift it is to me? 

I was proud of him for actually doing something about his unhappiness instead of just being miserable. So I went along with it. Even though I didn't want to be with anyone else. Frankly I just wanted to be alone. I think deep down we both needed something to change. And this got the ball rolling on that. 

He found a woman on reddit in the first week. I was alone, not even trying, still wrapping my head around this. But it was his whole patronizing "it's ok if you don't wanna be with anyone else, you don't have to be.", attitude that made me like nah, fuck that. I'm not gonna sit here like an idiot while you go out and fuck around. pfft. I'm gonna go get mines. And thats when i created an online dating profile.

That's when things REALLY changed for me. Big time. I went from not even feeling like a woman, just a vessel for other ppl's needs, to feeling sexy and desired by men. Like what? I know they were just trying to sleep with me but I heard more compliments from strangers than I had ever heard from my husband.

There's a long journey to discuss in later posts but I did discover that I, in fact, was NOT broken. And that I did want sex, just not with him. Maybe if he made me feel the way these men did it would have been different. I think that's what guys don't get. They assume they have an old run down model that doesn't work anymore and they wanna trade up for a new young one or get their beaks wet with "discreet" encounters when, if they just put some effort into the old gal, they would see she's an absolute freak!