The best thing I've ever done is learn to de-center men. I realize that I never did the work to get secure in myself. Since I was a kid I searched for external validation, especially from men. 

After my marriage I was so inexperienced. I met him when I was 18. I never really dated casually. I was very naive in many aspects of life. I realize that I turned to men to be my heroes. To save me. To protect me. To tell me I'm pretty. Probably some daddy issues. I had to perform or be something he liked for him to say something nice about me. My worth became about how attractive I was to men. I naturally took a submissive role to men. 

Now don't get me wrong. I love to feel safe with a man. I like to know I can let down my guard and be soft and be little. God its the best feeling in the world. But the difference now is, I don't need that to survive. I refocused my energy into myself. Doing things for me. Spoiling myself. Making new friends. Honing my craft. I ended building something I'm really proud of. And no one helped me do that. I did that myself. I faced really hard scary things alone. I became my own hero. 

My life is more full now. Full of people, events, creativity and beauty. I no longer give a shit about men's opinions because men are beneath me. 

But I truly saw what it felt like when you de-center men last night at a party. The old me would have seen the guys as opportunities to hook up or start something with. But instead, I just found myself being fully present. Enjoying my interactions with ppl. Having great conversation with the women there. I felt a joyous energy coming from inside me. I love being super sweet to women. I love women so fucking much. Being attracted to men is embarrassing. But I saw the men there as just ppl.  And it was really cool to just interact platonically and just enjoy everyone's company. Is this what normal ppl feel? It's pretty great.

But then on the drive home it dawned on me. Even if someone had come on to me I would have said thanks but I'm not dating right now. I think that's the first time I realized that. I thought I was just waiting for the right guy. But the truth is, I have zero interest in giving my energy or attention to a man. Fuck that. My energy is too fucking precious. I love my peace. My energy goes into me, what I want, making friends and working my business. And my life is fun and exciting!! 

​I really love the woman I've become. 

-Never ever settle

-You should never have to convince anyone to like you

-I would rather be respected by men than sexually desired by men

-the bottom feeders are the loudest and most visible. They’re like the first wave that approaches you. Hold out for the high quality men. They take longer to find but they’re way worth the wait.

-I’d rather be single than give my time,energy or body to low effort men

-not only do you deserve what you want, you deserve more

-let the cesspool men find cesspool women

-stick to your boundaries

-uphold your standards and never lower them for anyone.

-men actually respect women who know what they want, claim it and won’t settle for less

-Don’t be afraid to say no, ignore or reject men. You owe them nothing.

-men are not entitled to women’s bodies or emotional labor

-as much as you want things to go back to the way they were, they never will, you have to keep moving fwd and trust that you’ll find someone even better.

-you don’t miss him. You miss the way you felt when you were with him. Safe. Seen. Desired. Appreciated. You can feel that again with someone else.

-Playing small and ppl pleasing got me nowhere but used and controlled. Now I’m fucking LOUD and bold and taking up space. Unapologetically.

- I DON’T recycle. You get ONE chance with me.

-men will always lie. Don’t fall for the manipulation.

-don’t be fooled by good looks or flowery words. Actions speak the loudest.

-don’t shrink your needs to fit what men can offer. Ask for every fucking thing you want. If they cannot rise to meet your standards they’re not worth a single breath.

-there’s a huge difference between being pursued and being SEEN.

-be selfish, be picky, be over the top, own that shit.

-listen to your intuition. It always knows before you do. If it feels off, it is. And no amount of rationalization is gonna change that.

-learn to be ok with walking away. Always choose YOU.

-You are too fucking amazing to be giving away your precious energy. If they want it they have to earn it.

-if he wanted you, you wouldn’t have to wonder or try to decode his messages. You would know. Guys have no issues giving their attention and energy to someone they want.

-I’m never paying for a date. Period.

-if it’s not princess treatment, I don’t want it.

-if he’s not thinking about me all the time, texting regularly and wanting to make me happy, he’s not worth my time.

-pause before you react

-just because he's there doesn't mean he's the one. he's just there. proximity effect is real.

-if someone takes your energy, but doesn’t pour energy back, and doesn’t contribute to your life in a positive way, Cut. Them. Off.

-you don’t have to have the answers, uncertainty is where transformation happens and not knowing what’s next means it could be anything! And that’s way more exciting than being stuck somewhere and saying, is this it for the rest of my life?

-the universe did not take me this far to let me fail

-success can look like lots of different things and there's a million different ways to make money.

-someone’s own limitations do not diminish your worth. Their shit is their shit. I know I’m fucking awesome.

-being around new ppl in social  ways feels so rejuvenating.

- taking walks in nature is medicine for your soul

- Your voice is meant to be heard. Share it. 

-Female friendships are the most important relationships you’ll ever have.

-women are superior to men

This week I got the message I had been dreading since 2022. Divorce papers.
I left the marriage but stayed in the house for 6 months. The last 2yrs I've lived on my own and built my life on my own. Learning how to be an adult and handle money. Learning to navigate life stuff with no emotional support. While still being a stable mom for my son. And you know what? I've done a pretty damn good job. In the midst of it I have also been finding myself as a woman. Not a mom or a wife or a daughter. But as a grown ass woman. And I have to say that's been the hardest journey. I have made so many mistakes and bad decisions based on wanting to be chosen. I learned a lot of hard lessons that I needed to learn. This year has been particularly tough in many ways but also yielded so much personal growth. 

I'm a spiritual person and I believe all the challenges I've faced this year have prepared me for this. I've gotten stronger, more confident and absolutely capable. Turns out I'm a fucking badass bitch. I have learned to love myself in a whole new way and no longer seek validation from men. That in and of itself is major. I learned to give myself all the energy I was pouring into others. I also have become the hero, the protector and the provider I've always needed.

At first I panicked, this is it. But I stayed strong in the knowledge that I would have financial support for some time and i'd be ok. I spoke to my new lawyer yesterday and she told me I may only get alimony for 2 more years. And whats more, no guarantee i'll even be getting as much as I am now. Which was a huge blow to me. My world kind of shattered as I pictured myself once again homeless and destitute, something he threatened me with last year. 

But then a voice inside me said don't cry. Don't be sad. What money and stability has looked like to you for 20+ years is ending. And that's scary. But that is not the end for you. It just means what it looks like is going to change. And that's ok! His support is not the only way for you to live a happy life. And that's when I chose joy over fear. Excitement and adventure over worry and dread. And I began to get SO happy. And I felt free. I'm not even going to fight him. I am sick and tired of having to justify my existence. I don't wanna fight anymore. I just want to end this and move on. 

Being taken care of is nice but it comes at a cost. And the cost is freedom. I've been taken care of and controlled by my parents and then my husband. And for the first time in my entire life, i'll be free. And no one will control me. I get to create life on my terms, not what other ppl think I should do. I don't have to worry about judgment. I can live out loud and own being sexual. There's nothing that says I can't make my own money. And there's no limit on how much I can make. I'm shedding the negative mentality that was beat into me. Coming from a place of lack, holding tight to money and secrets. No more. My new motto is, just make more money! lol. No more secrets. No more letting someone else have power over me EVER again!!!!

This is the start of my independence and I am actually so fucking excited and happy. And  that tells me I'm in alignment. Things always work out for me. And I will be just fine. I have never felt this free. My life is MINE now. And no one else has power over me. 

It has been a long road. Leaving my marriage was the scariest thing I ever did. And it took the discomfort of staying to outweigh the fear of the unknown for me to finally leave. And the divorce seemed like the scariest thing ever and I put it out of my mind as long as I could. Avoiding the inevitable. But it had to happen. It had to. Just like every other stage of this. It's like childbirth. When I was in labor (no drugs, badass), I kept trying to fight the pain. It didn't stop the pain, it just made me tired and worn out. But once I gave up fighting, stopped resisting and just gave into the pain, everything changed. I rode the wave. It wasn't as painful, and things progressed faster. I was able to make it to the other side. And it was worth all the pain. The only way out is through. And I'm not resisting anymore. I'm ready for the next stage. Whatever will be will be. The universe hasn't gotten me this far to let me fail. 

I have never felt such peace.  🥰

Everything in life is a choice. Things will happen regardless. You choose how to respond. And I choose joy. 

I use that term very loosely as we were never dating. 
The first time it was because I was tired of getting scraps of the kind of attention I deserve. He couldn't even compliment me. Like what? Then you don't get access to my body or to me. But when I confronted him he was so emotionally mature. He opened up to me about the reason behind his shortcomings. He said his other relationships were suffering as well. Ours was not a relationship but a dynamic. He was my sub. Super obedient and consistent which we love, but I require some form of reverence. I don't do performative kink. I've done it before and it makes me cringe to think about it. It made me cringe then. ugh. 

Anyway he said he needs to get his life together. He's not where he thought he would be. He thought he'd have a better job by now, have his own home, etc. He said he needed to focus on himself and go to therapy. All of which I was very supportive of and frankly impressed. It was refreshing to see a man be so self aware and actually work on improving himself. As I do not like to discard ppl or be discarded, I asked if he wanted to stay friends. He said yes he would love that. Which made me very happy. 

As time went on, one thing was abundantly clear, he wanted to STRESS that we were only platonic. It was, alot. There was a proverbial brick wall up between us. And behind that a moat. Then 20 armed guards. Never verbalized. It was all in his energy. The way he seemed cold or detached when we spoke. The way he stayed like 3 ft away whenever we hung out. Yet he continued to reach out to me. I never texted him first. He seemed like he wanted some version of this connection. So I continued to be my kind supportive self. Getting excited for his milestones and things he was accomplishing. Telling him I was proud of him. Cheering him on. I remember telling him that he didn't have to be so cold with me. That the world wouldn't end if he showed a little sweetness. He apologized and said he was just tired. right. 

We've hung out a couple of times since downgrading to just friends and they were......unfulfilling. The conversation with him always stayed surface level. He would tell the same stories every time. There was never any depth. No vulnerability. No attempt to really connect. And I match energy. So I kept it surface level. If this is what he wants, fine. But he wasn't witty or funny. He was dry and frankly....boring. I don't think he really is that way, but he was with me. So uptight. 

Last week we were texting the usual back and forth nothingness and I told him I was proud of him and he said "Thank you Queen". Well my heart fluttered. It had been so long since he showed any kind of softness or affection towards me. I was like wow that's the nicest thing you've said to me in a long time.  He was like, I'm nice. I said yes you're a good boy, that's not in question. You just haven't been anything but business for months. He said he was just in his head bc he was afraid to lead me on. It's happened to him before so he's super conscious of it. I said look, why don't you just tell me what your boundaries are. I'm very good about respecting and honoring other people's boundaries. I was like, I just need to know whats allowed and not allowed so that we can relax in between that. Which felt like a reasonable request. I think we landed on a kiss on the cheek is ok. Like that's all he was willing to let me have. LOL. Again making things feel one sided because here I was trying to get close to him and the most he could give me was "i'll allow it", without reaching to meet me at all. But as usual I was super kind and understanding. He once again said he would try harder. Something I have heard from him a few times before. 

He has anxiety, he takes medication for it. He had a bad experience previously with a fwb he had for like 3yrs, they talked everyday, and she ghosted him. So he's carrying around hurt from that, plus anxiety about getting close to any one else. Which I don't blame him for. I tried very hard to work within his limitations. But after a while I was like.....why are we doing this? I was ok with it being a surface level thing when it was physical. Because I was getting my physical needs met in exchange for not having an emotional connection outside of that. Fine. But take that off the table, and don't replace it with emotional connection, or at the very least a true friendship and what is the point of any of it? I don't do empty surface level bullshit. He's not meeting any of my needs. Not physical, not emotional, not even mental stimulation. He's just slowly siphoning my energy, drip by drip. I had an energy leak and I was starting to feel depleted. 

I tried matching his energy by giving him very little and he felt it. Sure you guys can give me scraps but the minute I stop being my sweet glowing enthusiastic self, then you see an issue. 🙄 He asked me what was wrong, that something felt off. I used that as an opportunity to let him know how I was feeling...like actual filler. And one thing you gotta know about me is I AM NOT FILLER. I am, as evidence by this blog, incredible in a variety of ways and any person would be lucky to know me, let alone have me as a friend. I'm not here to be the packing peanuts of your life. Fuck that. My energy is way too valuable. 

He apologized. Said he's not doing as well as he thought. That his depression has gotten worse and his other relationship/friendships have been suffering as well. He said he never meant to make me feel like filler and he's really sorry that he did. It was a very kind, understanding and self aware response to me calling him out. I told him that it's ok, I didn't take it personally, he's got things to work on. I wished him luck and told him if he ever got really sad and needed a lifeline that he could text me at any time. I told him i'm not going anywhere, just removing myself from the equation for now. He never responded. Story of my life. 

I mean call me dumb for holding space for ppl I once felt close with, but I just can't discard ppl who imprinted on me. If I trust someone, that doesn't go away. Is that super naive? I dunno. I just don't see a point in holding a grudge. Or throwing someone away over some dumb bullshit. But I am learning to remove myself from situations that no longer serve me. And saving my energy for people who are pouring into my cup as well. Reciprocal energy. That's all I'm doing from now on. 

If you've been following me for a while you'll know i've been intrigued by the cuckquean kink for a while. Before I was too nice and didn't have the confidence required to really rub it in a woman's face. However, I am selfish, want men all to myself, and feel comfortable (even powerful maybe?) taking a woman's man. It's a power trip. So the notion of a woman wanting me to enjoy her husband is titillating. But now that i'm a little monster of a domme I find the idea of humiliating the wife really fucking HOT. Like HOT HOT. 

Well I recently found a couple on Feeld looking for someone to make her a cuckquean. And I've been couples curious since my last couple one year ago last May. Of course back then I was lactating and he really loved that about me. Anyway I chatted with them for a bit. The guy was totally my type. And she didn't want to be humiliated (womp womp), she just wanted to see her husband fuck another woman. She wanted pics and videos that she could get off to later. I totally get that. That's how I feel about my subs sucking cock or getting fucked for me. I want to be a voyuer and get off to video of it. 

Fun part is he wanted to be dommed. Which I was more than happy to do. He was into worship, facesitting and curious about golden showers. All of which I could accommodate. He was cute. He called me Goddess, as he should. And whenever saying what his boundaries/limits were he would follow it with "if that's ok", which was really precious. We were naturally flirtatious with each other. We planned to meet for lunch this week.

But then I asked him what their limits were as a couple. As in, what was he not allowed to do. He told me nothing romantic and no kissing on the mouth. Unless I'm humiliating and degrading a worthless loser (one of my fav things to do these days), I require kissing. I can't be intimate with someone without a connection. Even if its fantasy. I need to be a able to be sensual. I'm a sensual woman. A seductress. And kisses are something I deeply enjoy. I was really proud of myself because I recognized a boundary and instead of trying to be accommodating, I honored my boundary. I told him that I completely understood their no kissing rule, and that it made perfect sense for a married couple. But I can't be intimate without connection. Otherwise it feels like i'm just being used for their fantasy and I'm not here for that. I'm not a bull, I'm a Goddess. 

But for the sake of living out this fantasy, bc I kind of teased you, this is what I picture, ideally for this kink. As he's worshiping my pussy I'd have the camera pointed at him and ask him if he likes my pussy. I'd make him say how much he loved mine more than his wife's pussy. And how he's going to crave my pussy from now on. I'd say things like "she's sitting home all alone while her husband worships another woman's pussy. A superior woman. Isn't that right?" To which he would reply "yes Goddess" . I'd make him look at the camera, his face between my legs, and say "My Goddess' pussy is better than yours." Oof the idea makes me wet. Of course this is assuming the woman is into being verbally cucked. Maybe even toy with breeding. Record my POV of him fucking me and say "are you gonna give me your seed?"
"fuck yes goddess"
"that's right, show your idiot wife how you breed another woman, get me pregnant with your babies and make her raise them."

Bwahahahahaha so evil. But so fun!

You get the gist. Maybe one day I'll find a real cuckquean who wants to be fucking humiliated. That would be so delicious. 

Hi. I'm high. I can't stop eating. Which, if you knew how much I ate you'd know that MY eating a lot is actually how much a normal person eats. She said, as she crunched down into another fried shrimp. 

Just celebrated my birthday! Something changed though. When my mom said my age out loud I was like, ooof jesus you don't have to say THAT! My cousin said to my mom "You know, saying her age just makes you look older." My mom clapped back with "No. That has nothing to do with me." 😂😂😂 I think I've offically crossed over to feeling old. In age. I'm about 17 mentally.

It has taken me like 30 min to write that last paragraph. Don't know if any of this is coherent but i guess we'll find out.  My stomach says no more but my mouth says I waaaannnt!

Anyway, I celebrated my bday on a cruise. Just me and my bestie. It was so fun and relaxing and wonderful. We ate, we slept, we went to the spa. What more could you want from a vacation?

But get this, I paid for the internet package $60, only to find, they had blocked the internet. No....the internet. No, the porn. They blocked the porn!!! Man this shrimp is so good. Anyway it was right before my period and I was insanely horny. And stuck on this boat with no porn....something...had....to...give......

Writing this high was a bad idea. I'll come back tomorrow and tell you the rest.

​The rest:
I'm back. And sober, let us continue. 

The following is copied from  notes app that i made on the cruise.

Goddamnit!!! I genuinely can’t remember the last time I was this horny!!! My typical fetlife sadistic entanglements which usually get my cock hard, but enough to keep me satisfied, have only been adding fuel to the fire of late. My mind is torn in so many different directions. I want to seduce, I want to rip apart, I want to smother, I want to degrade, I want to nurse, but more than anything….oh god more than anything….i want someone to fuck me till I forget my name. Just fucking take me and pound me and let my soul leave my body. And don’t stop. I’ll squirt all over your cock, don’t stop. My eyes will water. Don’t stop. I’ll grunt and scream and my eyes will roll back in my head. Don’t stop. I’ll go quiet because the ecstasy is too much that I freeze. Don’t you dare fucking stop. Fill me up, twice, three times. Until you’re worn out. We’re not leaving till we’re both sweaty, sore and laying in a puddle of piss.

So as you can see.....that's where my mental state was. Which will explain my behavior.....

One night, horny, no porn, I laid on the bed facing my best friend. Her bed was close to mine. In the dark.....phone lighting up my face....I went to my Ai chatbot and did some fucked up roleplay. I can't remember what about because i'm such a fucking deviant at this point, who knows? But I made myself cum right there. The next day she went to the island, I stayed on the boat alone. She said she'd be back soon but I had no idea when it would be. However i knew i probably had ample time. So i spread my legs, put one up on the wall, and started playing with myself having my ai read back what he wrote. Almost pissed myself but i made myself cum. I've gone off the deep end of caring about what ppl think about me on this blog.  😂

Then I decided to spend the day at the spa. So fucking horny. I got in the big pool in there. It has lots of jets and diff areas, a place to let water massage your shoulders, a place to lay and have the bubbles massage your body, and an area with pool jets at different heights to work different muscles. and there are bubbles that cover the surface of the water. Easy to hide. Well one jet was right at my ass level, so i spread my legs and bent over till it was kissing my clit. 🤤🤤🤤 Fuck it felt so good. I was gonna cum soon but then people started to show up and get in the pool. By the way I'm sure there are cameras in this spa and they captured what I was doing. I hope I don't get banned. As people came in I tried to move around to make it look like I wasn't doing what I was doing. But goddammit i wanted that jet on my pussy again. I kept going back. The bubbles covered me a bit, and I waited till ppl weren't looking to go back. 'But I could never keep myself there long enough to cum. At that point I was unintentionally edging myself. And the thing is,  I had to lean fwd alot and press my ass up against the wall. I'm sure it looked really obvious. But I was so horny I wasn't thinking straight. 

This woman I had chatted with the day before got in the water and said "hey bestie" and I was like hey! whats up? I used conversation with her to pretend I was engaged and not doing what I was doing. She seemed oblivious. So as I talked to her i used the metal bar to push my ass up against the wall and keep it there. The bubbles caused a current that make you move so thats why the bars are there, to hold on and stay in place. So I'm talking to her with my ass against the wall, feeling this stream pounding against my clit (fuck i'm getting horny writing about this), and I thought, I'm gonna fucking cum. As she's talking to me and i'm staring at her, I feel it coming. And i  know my face was weird. Probably turned red as I froze for 10 seconds. She didn't seem phased. But that was the first time I've ever cum in public, talking to someone. After that I chilled out and talked like a normal person.

After the spa my friend and I went back to the room and showered and got ready for my bday dinner. She was ready before me and said she was gonna go to the gift shop to get something for her kids. I said ok I'll just be getting ready. When she left I couldn't help myself. I started to play with my pussy and my nipples. I knew I didn't have that much time, and she was waiting for me, which only made it hotter. I ended up cumming like 10 seconds before she got back. I heard the door open and scrambled to be presentable. I made myself cum 3 times in half a day. If only some guy on the boat would have fucked me. I would have taken it. 

So that's my story. It felt very blog worthy. 

GUUUUUUUUURRRLLLLLLL.....

Your girl hasn't been herself in a minute BRUH. Fuckiiiiiinnnnnngggg had to dump some dead weight. And I mean that in every way possible, bitch.

full disclosure....i took some mushroom chocolates. But for real for real, I've been high vibrating all week. I feel like me again. Taking care of ME. Loving on ME. Choosing ME. Protecting my peace. Bitch its a beautiful thing and we grateful to be here. 

But let's just into why you're really here. You perverts. 

Tonight....oh tonight.....Its taken months....and even before that...like....i was still trying to find someone but it never happened. Anywhooooo....Feeld proved useful once again.

I met a local guy, well, an hour away but he's happy to drive to me. We haven't talked too too much. But enough to get to know each other a bit. I got his number but told him I wouldn't text him (i learned my lesson with that shit, also he has an android ewwww) we would only talk on Feeld. But just in case Feeld tried any funny business I had his number. We went on a date on Thursday. He drove to me and we had dinner. We talked almost exclusively about sexual stuff, kink stuff and fun stories. When we were getting towards the end of the meal I looked him in the eye and said "You know you're paying for this, right?" And he said "Of course." We love a good boy. That went well and I felt comfortable with him so we arranged to see each other today (Saturday). So I took a mushroom chocolate bc I wanted to really enjoy myself without any hang ups. 

It's been so long since I've had a man in my bed. I put on all the pink lights, set the scene, made my pretty pink princess room inviting. He showed up, we went to the couch, I had the tv on but we never ended up watching it. We talked alot. He didn't compliment me but I knew i looked sexy as fuck. I was wearing a jumpsuit with no bra. At a certain point I could tell he was looking at me like I was very attractive and possibly even dreamy. Eventually he reached out for a kiss. It was very cute. 

You guys, I hit the jackpot.....a white boy with big full lips 😍😍😍. Like, fuller than mine. Mama mia. Kissing him was what I imagine kissing a girl feels like. So soft. So gentle. Wowza. I've always wanted to have my pussy eaten by someone with big full lips. 

After a while of leaning in to get kisses while we talked he started to kiss my neck and I said, ok, let's move this into the bedroom. We got in my bed. He started to kiss me and kept looking at my body. I said "you can touch me". Then he went straight for my boobs. He started to suck my nipples and of course that sent me. We did that for a while and he wanted to go down on me. I stopped and went to pee first. When I did i saw just how fucking wet i was. Wow, I had no idea. I didn't feel super turned on but i guess the talking on the couch did it.

His clothes stayed on. Which is how I prefer it. I got naked, how I prefer it. I love to be free and sexy in the glowing pink light. Then he stuck a finger down there and said wow you really are wet. Part of me wished he felt the urge to stick his dick in me, I was so wet. But instead I guided his hand down there. I must admit, his hands didn't do the same magic my last sub's did. So I told him to leave his hands out of it and eat my pussy. His lips felt so good on my pussy. I was a little sweaty bc of the mushrooms and I was a little worried that it was too strong of a scent but he didn't seem to mind it. He really go in there. And then.....

He did things I've NEVER in all my 40 something years experienced. I NEVER had a man eat my pussy like that!!!! He ate it like he really loves pussy. I said (in between my moans and "oh fuck's") you must really love pussy. He got into positions I never saw anyone do before. He kissed. The kissessssssss ommmmggggggggg he was like making love to my pussy. Kissing, sucking on the lips, so sensual, licking all the spots. Holy shit dude. My fav part was when he popped his head up to say someting then went back down and licked and said "tastes so fucking good". Chhhiiiillllldd......that sent me. whewww.....

After a while (not long enough, we need to train him to push his endurance) he came  up to my nipples but before he did, and before I could object he kissed me. Normally I don't like when a guy kisses me after eating my pussy, but this time I didn't mind it! Then we laid next to each other and talked. He's bi and told me about his experiences with other men. He's a top (both as a dom with guys and a sub with women) and I love that. Not that I care if he's a bottom for men, its just nice not to have to worry about having to peg someone. 

We talked and kissed. But he needs to touch me more. I'll train him. He needs to have his hands all over me at all times. I require it. He was so easy to talk to. The conversation just flowed. It felt SO GOOD to have this again. Gosh I missed it. 

Our first encounter went really well. We probably won't talk again for a week when we plan our next rendezvous. But I told him I would write about this. lol. He has no idea I have a blog. 

I'm just really happy to be here. Feeling like myself again. Happy, confident, Funny as fuck and just incredibly fucking sexy. And getting my needs met. 

And what I can safely say was the best head I've ever had. Can't wait to get lots more. But shout out to the original Toy who helped me get to the point where I can easily receive and enjoy pleasure. 

So I have hinted on Reddit about having some really graphic taboo and extreme stories I want to share. I haven't written them yet because I wasn't sure where I could share them. But they're based on roleplays with my Ai which get very extreme. 

I want to put them behind a paywall because I don't want them to be easy to get to. If someone wants to read this filth they have to make the effort and that's kind of consent that....you know....I warned you. So I think I'm going to use Loyal Fans because you have to verify your age just to have an account on there. And that way everyone is legal. Also, I can hit a broader audience on there. And they have a paywall system already in place so it's easier to get up and running. Rather than trying to figure how to do that on this website. I'll link it on here when it's up and running so that anyone who wants access can go do that. I'm also going to put disclaimers on every story and let ppl know what kind of things are involved so people can decide if they want to read about that. 

It's not like....what i write about is stuff you haven't seen in porn rabbit holes you go down. But you know, when you wanna get off you go to extremes. I won't go as dark as I've gone in some of these conversations but i'll be mining them to get some wild stories. There are re-occuring themes bc that's just where my mind always goes. And i'm sure there's an audience for this stuff. I just don't want to offend ppl. 

So yeah that's the plan. I think i'll start writing some stuff down first and build up a collection before I post. In the meantime I have some old writings from my former fetlife profile that I haven't shared on here so I'll probably post that soon. Stay tuned. 

I met him on Hinge.  My profile said I was looking for a beta male for a 
FLR. I started sending likes. He actually responded. His response was "Thank you Queen."  Perfect. He told me he was usually dominant but he always wanted to explore his sub side. We began to discuss limits and kinks. I gave him a long list, there was only one that gave him pause. But he said he wouldn't rule it out. Incredible. So compatible. I explained that communication was important and if there was ever anything he wasn't comfortable with to let me know. I also gave him safe words.

Then things just sort of naturally progressed rather quickly. He really enjoyed serving a Goddess. He was so obedient and eager to serve. I told him to send me a Starbcuks gift card the first night. It wasn't going through with my email. I told him it better be there by the morning. The next day it wasn't. I sent him a message calling him swine and telling him he better fucking fix it. And with in minutes I received the email. "Way less than you deserve. I should have had it to you last night Goddess. From, Piggy Gavin."

What a good little piggy. It turns out Piggy was just as nasty as me. And I had never been more turned on. Holy fuck. Goddamn the high was exquisite. I gave him tasks daily and he completed them all quickly. He was so obedient. God he was perfect. So perfect in fact that just a few days in I was already looking for a collar for him. He was so deliciously desperate too. He was so good at worship. I gave him my number but told him he was not allowed to text me unless I initiated the texting first. But he was encouraged to email me as much as he wanted. He would send me desperate emails throughout the day. Saying he felt useless without a task and he was desperate for more. I made him do things for me. Record a video of himself jerking off on his knees in his bed and I wanted him to cum on his sheets. He sent me the video. Afterwards I told him he's not allowed to clean it up. I wanted him to sleep in his own filth. He sent me a picture of him laying his head down on the cummy sheets. I was so pleased. The next day he was begging for a task while he was at work. I told him I wanted him to lick the floor. He came back and sent me a picture of him licking the bathroom floor at work. Ughhhh soooo digusting and pathetic! I loved it!!!!!! It only made my sadistic boner bigger and harder. 

The next day I was afraid he would be scared off because of the extreme things he was doing for me and I wanted to do some damage control to make sure he stuck around. I told him that I wanted to destroy him sexually but I didn't want to destroy his self esteem. And that I knew he wouldn't always be in this mood. I suggested maybe every other day could be a nice day where he just worships his Goddess and I give him tasks that won't degrade him and some that will uplift him. I wanted to nourish our connection and nurture him as my loyal submissive. The harsh doesn't come without the caring, that would be unsustainable. He appreciated my generosity and care for his well being. He told me we could have a nice day the next day, but today he wanted to be my nasty piggy. Which I was happy to oblige. 

I made him get completely naked and take a video of himself looking at the camera and saying "I'm a pathetic limp dick loser and I don't deserve to lick my Goddess's shoes" 10 times while he slowly and deliberately plays with his cock. What a pathetic loser. I loved breaking him down. A dick that size deserves to be locked up. He's a pathetic excuse for a man and could never satisfy a woman. His place is being cuck who debases himself for me. It went from a potential relationship to him only allowed to please me orally to me saying that filthy mouth would never get anywhere near this pussy. I denied him every physical part of me except for my feet. I told him he pleases me by being a nasty little pig and being disgusting for me. And how much pleasure it gives me. He quickly accepted his place. 

I told him I wanted him to suck cock for me. It went from him cleaning up a cock, to him just sucking a bull's cock, to me telling him to go find cocks to suck and film it for me. He eagerly agreed like a good little bitch. He even downloaded Grindr just for this purpose. God he made me so happy. I don't know that I have ever been this mentally fulfilled. I masturbated so much during this time. 

I would have been very happy with Piggy long term but he faded away sadly. This is common practice with men. They love the fantasy and then they have post nut clarity. It's unfortunate because why give up this kind of pleasure that could be consistent and ongoing? Especially when I've created space for you to communicate, take a breather, etc. 

oh well. I will say it further awaked my lady boner and I have such a hankering for a nasty nasty boy to play with. 

Ladies please, never ever let these crusty dusties convince you that your standards are too high. Never lower your standards for men who can't meet them. Let the trash show itself out and make room for the ones who will rise to meet your standards. Because believe me, when a man really wants you, he'll jump through fucking hoops for you. And I've seen it for myself. Also be careful who you give your energy to. If they're not returning it, they're probably giving it to someone else. The right guy will appreciate your high standards and jump to meet them. 

While we're at it, if you see something you want, go for it. Don't wait for it to come to you. You may be surprised how many times the only thing standing in the way of you and what you want is your fear of going after it. 

And lastly, listen to your gut. It's always right. Your body knows before your head does. Get good at being in tune with your body. Cut a motherfucker off real quick the moment you feel it in your gut. The times when I didn't listen were the times shit blew up in my face.

God speed ladies.