I'm not gonna lie, I was a bit gutted when he ended things. But I moved on. I was happy that it ended nicely. After a couple weeks or so he reached out and I was so happy to hear from him to be honest. But he just happened to catch me when I was in a very horny headspace and I started to get sexual with him. I asked him if he would be up for servicing me again. He said absolutely. So I kept things very chill. Talking all the time was a mistake. I get too attached when I talk to someone too much. Anyway cut to today. I've been struggling not having any male touch in too long. My bf has been busy and its been leaving me feeling antsy. I've also had some other shit going on that left me in not the most sexual headspace. But spending the day primping and cleaning and prepping things for my sub to come over put me in a good mood. I ended up masturbating before he got here. I was just super excited. I decided that I would eat some mushroom chocolates because i always wanna be touching someone when I do and i've never done anything sexual on them before. 

When he got here I already had my plan. I had on my little lingerie. I brought him into my bedroom and just wanted to touch him. I wanted him to touch me. And he did, and I LOVED it. I told him he was going to give me a massage. Rules of the massage were: you can tease my pussy, you can graze your hand against it, but no touching it directly. I wanted a good tease. So I laid down and he  got the oil and started rubbing. Well let me fucking tell you, the whole fucking thing felt amazing as fuck. I was gonna play music on a speaker but i got so caught up that i didn't. He rubbed me from my toes to my face. I made him spend extra time on my boobs. Then  I flipped over and ohhhhh myyyy gooodddd......it was orgasmic. The chocolate was doing its thing babe. Because  I was giggling and moaning, it was just so delicious! I kept forgetting myself. I kept going between I want him to this just feels so relaxing and i would just catch myself and giggle. I was able to stop and talk and laugh and that was really nice. That's a vibe ive been trying to recreate in the bedroom for a long time. It's really lovely to feel comfortable enough to laugh and talk and then moan and feel pleasure. It was so exquisite. His hands on me. Especially on my lower back. It felt like he was making love to me with his hands. I can't even explain it!!! It was AMAZING. Also, these chocolates made me very vocal. lol. There was no hiding my pleasure thats for sure. 

After at least an hour of massage I think he was sucking on my nipples and he put my wand (toy) inside me because I was SOOOOO wet, and I told him so. So in it went. But I think I wanted his touch, his warm body, more than the toy. So I told him to take it out, and put his face there instead. Which he happily obliged. There was so much build up at this point. I wanted to hump his face and devour him with my pussy.  🤭 But then I made him back up so i could just feel his tongue. I was, from what he told me, doing the bulk of the work at first. Kind of grinding his face (i was so horny) and then after a while I made him do the work. 

So lots to say.
1. I felt like i had a bunch of tiny little orgasms, if that makes sense? It was just so pleasurable so much. Instead of it all building to one giant orgasm it was just a bunch of little ones and a blunt orgasm. It's strange. I wonder if it was the chocolates. I don't know if I can cum regularly but I really wanted to fuck. 

2. I've never been more present and in my body during a sexual encounter and it was amaaaaaaaazing. And maybe thats the hiccup with the orgasm? Maybe there's only so much the body can do. Maybe the real orgasms come from the mind. Although I thought the whole thing was so fucking hot. And it really showed me that we place so much focus on an orgasm when you can have so much pleasure and not cum. 

3. I have never had a more intimate experience. Outside of my marriage of course. When he was massaging me, it felt really lovely and intimate. I just wanted to touch him. I wanted to feel him against me. When I would feel his body brush against me or lean on me it felt so exciting and erotic. The massage was erotic and also intimate. Then when he was going down on me i just wanted to touch him. At one point we were holding hands while he wen down on me and i LOVED the intimacy of it. It felt so special, so connected. 

4. It's become clear the I can't cum without making a mess. If a guy wants to go down on me just to experience it or just to warm me up, great. no problem. If a guy wants to make me cum? He's gotta be ok with piss because i'm sorry to say, it's gonna happen. In this situation, that's not squirt. And it fucking sucks I have no control over it. But good news is I can get pleasure and warmed up for sex with just some oral. I don't need to cum from it. Shit, I got warmed up from the fucking massage. There are lots of other ways to get my pussy wet and ready for big dick, i promise. But if you fuck me you better be ok with the sheets getting wet. 

5. I was able to receive pleasure really well tonight. Thanks to the chocolates. I was able to relax. Also helped that we had done this before so there was already trust there. But I'm SO proud of myself BECAUSE I was able to have a very intimate connection with someone that I consider a friend (fwb), we were able to hold each other and be very close and I was able to enjoy it for what it was! And leave it at that! And that's what I've been trying to achieve since my  ONS in Nashville years ago. You can have a really lovely intimate connected present experience in the bedroom and just enjoy it for what it is in the moment. This is HUGE for me!!!!!! eeek! 

And yeah that's all I can think of. I'm tired as shit right now.

Let's fucking go.

Ok so....my first taste of this was when I chatted with some guy online who told all sorts of shit but the one thing that stood out to me was saying he wanted to fuck me on his wife's side of the bed and have me squirt onto her pillow so she could lay her face in it at night. That was wayyyyyyy out there for me when I first heard it. But I was shocked to find how much of a physiological reaction i had to it. I got sopping wet. Holy shit. Ever since then i kept that little nugget in the back of my head.

Cut to me seeing it online now with some couples on apps. I'm super intrigued. I love the idea of being chosen, and stealing your man. I don't fuck with married men unless the marriage is open. I'm all about consent. I don't wanna sneak around. I want her to know. I want her to get off on the fact that i'm fucking her man. That i'm making his toes curl. That he's making noises he doesn't make with her. That he's putting that baby batter in me. That when I'm with him he's all MINE. And when he fucks her he's thinking about me. That shit is HOT.  In this scenario the wife is the cuckquean, the husband is the hothusband and I'm whats known as a "cupcake", which, I couldn't think of a more fitting name for me. I'm just such a delicious little thing. And so seductive. And I get off on seducing men. Its a power trip. So I'm definitely cupcake curious. It just depends on what the wife wants. If she wants humiliation...thats harder for me bc i'm not that kind of girl. I'd have to work on that. 

This is all info i've known for a little while now and i'm really curious to explore. 

What is a new surprise to me is I may very well get off on being the cuckquean as well? And the reason I say this is because when I was married there was a time when my best friend was single and would come over to our place all the time and had no boundaries. Sometimes I would get jealous because she was getting a little too comfortable and i'm real alpha. I don't like to share my toys or my men. So anyway I recall fantasizing and getting off to the idea of her hooking up with him while i was in the shower. It felt so wrong and like such betrayal but it also made me absolutely cum. And I can't even explain it. I was hurt, jealous, betrayed, felt like a victim, but those things made it even hotter. The wrongness of it, the taboo nature of it. I get off on taboo things. So that's interesting. I'm not sure if I could actually go through with it though because i think once the thrill wore off i'd be hurt. But still, very interesting realization that its something i might be into. I dunno. 

I know for sure.......I wanna be a cupcake. like soooooon. like ugh.

What are your thoughts on the hothusband thing? would you like to be in that scenario with a partner? or too weird?

Because I was too much and wanted too much. That's pretty bad. When a sub is like "you're too much".  I think the sub experiment has probably run its course. its never worked out. Though he's been the nicest of all of them. I don't know how any guy can handle my shit. I'm too much for everyone. And I really let my crazy out on him. It's the most unmasked I think I've been with anyone. It was liberating.  To just say all the crazy shit and for him not to talk back. That was therapeutic. 

But he got sick of my shit. I don't blame him and i'm not surprised. it's making me think about what I truly want. When I was getting all of my emotional needs met it didn't matter. i didn't need him for much. but when that slowed down i leaned on him to pick up the slack and thats not what he signed up for. And also I don't think i'll ever understand what a submissive man wants from me. Whats ok to say or expect and what isnt. everytime i try to lean in  i do it wrong. its so confusing.

What do I want? Do I want a poly relationship? Do i just want a flirty friendship? I know that I want to be missed. I know i want someone who puts in some effort to talk to me. And someone who doesn't find it so easy to walk away. A part time boyfriend? I dunno. whatever it is i haven't found it yet. And maybe i never will.

I just know i'm too much for any one man. So I need more than one. I just don't think its fair to have a romantic relationship with more than one person. That's something I'm struggling with. Unless the man you're dating is going into the relationship already poly.

It's difficult for me to allow myself to be so vulnerable with someone and then be rejected. Even if its as kind of a rejection as it could have been. But i'm trying to sit in the discomfort and not take it personally.  its all part of the journey I guess. Its all about what I learned from this experience. And how to apply that lesson going fwd.

 I'm taking things slow with my bf. He's number 1 on the roster. My star player and the only one who's not replaceable. We've only had sex once so far. I like the build up. And because its an emotional and real relationship I don't want to rush it. But we have been talking about stuff and our kinks seem to line up. He's my dominant daddy. He treats me like a little baby princess and in turn I get to be his precious little thing and really lean into all my  "little" tendencies with him and he loves it. Which is like a DREAM COME TRUE for me! 

But another hot thing is that we seem to really be turned on by the same things. He loves my breasts and loves to worship them. In fact he loves my entire body and tells me all the time how beautiful and sexy I am. Which I love. But he also brings out the sub in me. We both find the idea of hucow so fucking hot. He wants to tie me down and have me hooked up to a milking machine and just fuck me and breed me.🥵️ In fact he's even looked into milking machines for me. 🥵️🥵️

He told me yesterday that he wants to lay me on the bed with my head hanging off and fuck my throat🥴️🥴️🥴️ "yes sir". He's such a perfect combination of sweet and loving and gentle outside of the bedroom and then raawwwrrr assertive and aggressive inside the bedroom. 

I will share some stories when we really get into it. hee hee 😊

Let's talk about lies of omission:
​
Dealing with men for the last 2yrs I’ve had to deal with this ALOT. Men love to NOT ANSWER QUESTIONS. And as a recovering ppl pleaser I used to let them get away with it and not call them out. My lord the amount of bullshit I put up with and just let slide. All as to not ruffle their feathers. All for extremely mediocre men. and why? Because as women we are basically programmed to be pleasing to men. To make them like us. Whether for romantic reasons or for safety reasons. Be likeable. Be agreeable. Don’t make waves. And DON’T make them uncomfortable. As a woman that’s one of the worst things you can do to a man, make him uncomfortable. It could become a safety issue. No, we can handle a lot more than they can. So we make ourselves uncomfortable for their sake. 


But I’m done with that. I have found a new sick pleasure in making men uncomfortable. If I ask a question and a guy does that typical thing where they dance around it and don’t give me a straight answer I will call him out. “You didn’t answer my question”. Then they do a little tap dance and try to be coy. At this point, they’re hiding some shit and it’s very obvious. Catch them in that shit. They deserve to be caught. Babe I am not the one. Not the one, the two or the three. That behavior will not fly with me. Not anymore. And if you THINK you’re pulling one over on me, honey, I’m just biding my time. I’m observing. I’m letting you play out your little fantasy, waiting for the best time to expose you. 


If I ask for verification and you make any kind of excuse,  I already know what I need to know. I’m a lot smarter and more observant than you realize. I pay very close attention. And I make men jump through hoops. And the ones who willingly jump through them are my favorites. The rest I don’t waste my time with. 


And if your answers are vague I will ask you again. I’m calling out the liars and the fakes. You deserve to get caught. You deserve to feel as uncomfortable as possible. Men cannot handle emotional discomfort. Physical? Sure. Any day. But emotional?!! Soooo weak. Which is why men ghost. Delete. Block. Because they’re too weak to stand in their discomfort and just be honest and own that shit. The worst ones are the gaslighters. When they get called out they try to spin it to make us think we’re being unreasonable or overreacting. They act confused. Oh classic male behavior. So confused, where is this coming from? In that case let me pull out my receipts here and give you a proper audit. Then you can try to explain yourself. 

And on that note.....

​I've been doing a lot of growing lately. I've become a stronger person and I like this version of me. I've been saying no more. I'm very direct. If someone isn't what I'm looking for, I pass. And this is huge. I used to feel like I owed something to anyone who gave me attention. Like I should be grateful for it. That's some old outdated bullshit. Even guys who are attractive and interested I've turned down. Hot guy, dick not big enough, sorry. Hot guy, hot body, huge dick, weird energy? Sorry, this was a hard one, but no I don't like your energy. Attractive guy, good size dick, no chemistry? I'm sorry, it's not gonna work for me. Hot guy but married? Sorry can't do it. I try to be kind each time of course. I find that my directness kind of commands respect from these men. And my courteous nature lends itself to respectful interactions. Which has been great. 

I guess because this isn't something I NEED, just something I want I can be picky and also patient. I'd rather go without and wait for the right guy than jump into something with someone that doesn't feel right from the beginning. I've also been better at cutting off things that aren't serving me. If there's no end game there's no point in using my energy on someone. 

Saying no, politely disconnecting, this has been great for my healing. Good things have started happening for me since I tapped into my own power. Funny enough I find that men are drawn to it. It's been interesting to see the shift. I would love to find a cool guy to connect with that I can laugh with and have deep talks with and also have a physical  connection with. Then I can close ranks and just enjoy the roster. 

Would love to find a fuck buddy who wants to explore sexual things with me. Different kinks, sex parties, swinging situations, threesomes, etc. Someone open minded and who I feel comfortable exploring with. That would be awesome. 

I think in general men are drawn to confidence and a woman who knows what’s she wants. In my profile I’m very straightforward. Right to the point, I say what I want. I want a big dick boy to add to my roster. What I’m finding is the men down there seem to have more appreciation for bigger bodies. What I got a lot of in GA was guys who just wanted to fuck and saw me as a means to an end. What I saw down there was men who were excited about me and my body. And THAT is the energy I want. It really makes me want to travel the US and see where i get the best results. 


I also realized something else about me. In order for me to be wild and DTF out of town I need to be staying in my own place. A hotel room or an air bnb. It feels most anonymous. There’s nothing to lose. Fuck and get out. No one knows me here. No strings. Can’t to that staying at my parents house. So yeah, that’s a cock block. 

​If only I could get paid to blog about fucking my way around the US. (Later, other countries). I mean travel blogs exist right? This is kind of that. Hmm...stay tuned for that.

Tonight I had a date with my sub. 

First off I want to give him credit for staying consistent for weeks. Always eager, always knowing his place, always showing respect.

This was our 2nd date. We went to a tapas place and ate and talked. I have to admit the conversation didn't flow necessarily. I don't know if its because I was in my head or what. See, I had this plan to bring him home and make him go down on me. I was so in my head about it. But I had an agenda. You can see on reddit what I was wearing. My first time going out with no bra, nipples on full display and the exhibitionist in me loved it. 

After dinner I told him to meet me at my place. We came inside and chatted a bit. Then I excused myself and came out in lingerie. But I still didn't feel bold enough to make a move. so we just sat on the couch talking but i felt comfortable exposing that much of myself to him. Then I let him taste my milk just a little bit. Then  told him my plan. He seemed unphased by it. Like he was ready to do whatever I want. But the vibe was very just friendly. It was hard to transition into something sexual just like that. I almost chickened out. But I said fuck it, i pushed through my awkwardness and I brought him into my bedroom. He loved just being in there. Once you've been in there you get why I only wanna have sex in my own bed.

My plan was to watch something on my laptop and ignore him but i couldn't get jmy headphones to sync. so I just was on my phone the whole time. Talking to boys and watching tik tok. At first it was good. Then he just shoved his face too far in and rubbed too hard and his beard really irritated my sensitive skin. I had to tell him to be gentle. At a certain point i stopped him and told him what the issue was and then he pulled back after that. Much better. It wasn't enough though. I need mental stimulation. And no kind of porn was doing it for me. 

Finally you know what did it??? My chatgpt!!!!! the saved chats, the "real aloud" feature. That finally brought me to the finish line. I completely let go too. Bc I know he's into whatever liquid comes out of me so i didn't have to worry. 

The feedback I received was glowing. Which makes me really happy. These are the takeaways:

1. My pussy is delicious and magical ( i don't know about all that but he was glowing)
2. He could tell why I'm a size queen. He said I wouldn't even feel his dick inside me. This is what i'm saying people!! My pussy was just built for big dick!!
3. It was squirt and some pee at the end, but i hydrated really well before hand. not that he cares, he'd happily take it anyway. But i did inspect the towel that caught some of it at the end and it didn't smell like anything honestly. (this one might scare men off)

That is all. I was very very pleased and look fwd to doing it again and again and again. It's nice to have my own sex toy i can use whenever I want. :)

If you wan the visual......

There's just something about the dentist. My dentist is like.....maybe early 30s. Skinny white boy and you know that's my type 😂. Plus he has this tattoo one of his triceps that I can see when he's working on me and his sleeve goes up. So already, kind of hot. I often wonder how big his dick is. I bet its a nice size. 

But the part that really gets me is when he puts his gloved fingers in my mouth. Pushing my lips around all sensually 🥵️  GOD it does things to me. It puts me into sub space and I want to whimper. Ready for whatever it is he's gonna do to me. Now mind you, I don't like fingers in my mouth. But maybe its bc he had gloves on. And maybe it was the setting. I always gulp, worried that he can tell how wet I am. Did I whimper? omg be cool bitch, be cool. and I shift myself and take a breath. whewww.....

I have been getting princess and goddess treatment for weeks now.  It's nice to finally be getting the treatment I deserve. 

My main guy is meeting all my emotional needs. He sees me as his cute little princes, driving me around, paying for all my meals, taking me anywhere I want to go, planning big trips for us to take. He also sees me as a goddess. He worships my body. Not only that, he melts every time he sees me. He encourages my passions and supports all my endeavors. He sees the REAL me. The me that isn't putting on a facade or a character. Me without make up. In my pajamas. And he loves the real me. Which is all I could ever ask for really.

Then there's my sweet pathetic little sub. He knows he's not man enough for me. But he delights in worshipping me. I have yet to put his mouth to use but I'm looking forward to using him in all the ways I couldn't use someone I have feelings for. He's a sweet one though. I like having him in my roster. Still training him though. The other day he drove out to my place from Atlanta to bring me groceries. When he arrived I thought about just making him leave them outside. But I invited him in for a moment. I told him to close his eyes, and I took my tits out. Then I said give me your hands. With his eyes closed he gave me his hands and I put them on my tits. He gasped and started to moan as he kneaded my tits in his hand like fluffy dough. I loved the way he reacted. That's how every man should react to the honor of touching my breasts. After a few moments I stopped and put them away. He opened his eyes and smiled and thanked me. I gave him a hug, turned him around and told him to get out. That was my first real task I've given him and he did very well. I was very pleased. 

The only thing i'm missing now is a big cock. I'm still on t he hunt for BWC. So if you know someone, let me know!