De-centering men

The best thing I've ever done is learn to de-center men. I realize that I never did the work to get secure in myself. Since I was a kid I searched for external validation, especially from men. 

After my marriage I was so inexperienced. I met him when I was 18. I never really dated casually. I was very naive in many aspects of life. I realize that I turned to men to be my heroes. To save me. To protect me. To tell me I'm pretty. Probably some daddy issues. I had to perform or be something he liked for him to say something nice about me. My worth became about how attractive I was to men. I naturally took a submissive role to men. 

Now don't get me wrong. I love to feel safe with a man. I like to know I can let down my guard and be soft and be little. God its the best feeling in the world. But the difference now is, I don't need that to survive. I refocused my energy into myself. Doing things for me. Spoiling myself. Making new friends. Honing my craft. I ended building something I'm really proud of. And no one helped me do that. I did that myself. I faced really hard scary things alone. I became my own hero. 

My life is more full now. Full of people, events, creativity and beauty. I no longer give a shit about men's opinions because men are beneath me. 

But I truly saw what it felt like when you de-center men last night at a party. The old me would have seen the guys as opportunities to hook up or start something with. But instead, I just found myself being fully present. Enjoying my interactions with ppl. Having great conversation with the women there. I felt a joyous energy coming from inside me. I love being super sweet to women. I love women so fucking much. Being attracted to men is embarrassing. But I saw the men there as just ppl.  And it was really cool to just interact platonically and just enjoy everyone's company. Is this what normal ppl feel? It's pretty great.

But then on the drive home it dawned on me. Even if someone had come on to me I would have said thanks but I'm not dating right now. I think that's the first time I realized that. I thought I was just waiting for the right guy. But the truth is, I have zero interest in giving my energy or attention to a man. Fuck that. My energy is too fucking precious. I love my peace. My energy goes into me, what I want, making friends and working my business. And my life is fun and exciting!! 

​I really love the woman I've become.