Divorce rears it's ugly head

This week I got the message I had been dreading since 2022. Divorce papers.
I left the marriage but stayed in the house for 6 months. The last 2yrs I've lived on my own and built my life on my own. Learning how to be an adult and handle money. Learning to navigate life stuff with no emotional support. While still being a stable mom for my son. And you know what? I've done a pretty damn good job. In the midst of it I have also been finding myself as a woman. Not a mom or a wife or a daughter. But as a grown ass woman. And I have to say that's been the hardest journey. I have made so many mistakes and bad decisions based on wanting to be chosen. I learned a lot of hard lessons that I needed to learn. This year has been particularly tough in many ways but also yielded so much personal growth. 

I'm a spiritual person and I believe all the challenges I've faced this year have prepared me for this. I've gotten stronger, more confident and absolutely capable. Turns out I'm a fucking badass bitch. I have learned to love myself in a whole new way and no longer seek validation from men. That in and of itself is major. I learned to give myself all the energy I was pouring into others. I also have become the hero, the protector and the provider I've always needed.

At first I panicked, this is it. But I stayed strong in the knowledge that I would have financial support for some time and i'd be ok. I spoke to my new lawyer yesterday and she told me I may only get alimony for 2 more years. And whats more, no guarantee i'll even be getting as much as I am now. Which was a huge blow to me. My world kind of shattered as I pictured myself once again homeless and destitute, something he threatened me with last year. 

But then a voice inside me said don't cry. Don't be sad. What money and stability has looked like to you for 20+ years is ending. And that's scary. But that is not the end for you. It just means what it looks like is going to change. And that's ok! His support is not the only way for you to live a happy life. And that's when I chose joy over fear. Excitement and adventure over worry and dread. And I began to get SO happy. And I felt free. I'm not even going to fight him. I am sick and tired of having to justify my existence. I don't wanna fight anymore. I just want to end this and move on. 

Being taken care of is nice but it comes at a cost. And the cost is freedom. I've been taken care of and controlled by my parents and then my husband. And for the first time in my entire life, i'll be free. And no one will control me. I get to create life on my terms, not what other ppl think I should do. I don't have to worry about judgment. I can live out loud and own being sexual. There's nothing that says I can't make my own money. And there's no limit on how much I can make. I'm shedding the negative mentality that was beat into me. Coming from a place of lack, holding tight to money and secrets. No more. My new motto is, just make more money! lol. No more secrets. No more letting someone else have power over me EVER again!!!!

This is the start of my independence and I am actually so fucking excited and happy. And  that tells me I'm in alignment. Things always work out for me. And I will be just fine. I have never felt this free. My life is MINE now. And no one else has power over me. 

It has been a long road. Leaving my marriage was the scariest thing I ever did. And it took the discomfort of staying to outweigh the fear of the unknown for me to finally leave. And the divorce seemed like the scariest thing ever and I put it out of my mind as long as I could. Avoiding the inevitable. But it had to happen. It had to. Just like every other stage of this. It's like childbirth. When I was in labor (no drugs, badass), I kept trying to fight the pain. It didn't stop the pain, it just made me tired and worn out. But once I gave up fighting, stopped resisting and just gave into the pain, everything changed. I rode the wave. It wasn't as painful, and things progressed faster. I was able to make it to the other side. And it was worth all the pain. The only way out is through. And I'm not resisting anymore. I'm ready for the next stage. Whatever will be will be. The universe hasn't gotten me this far to let me fail. 

I have never felt such peace.  🥰

Everything in life is a choice. Things will happen regardless. You choose how to respond. And I choose joy.