In other news...

I'm writing this at 7am because I've been up since 5:30am with pain.
A week and a half ago I noticed a stiff neck. I chalked it up to sleeping wrong or something. It happens. But days passed and it wasn't going away. I was under a ton of stress and anxiety at the time and I feel like it was manifesting in my body. I felt myself tensing up all the time involuntarily. I got a massage last week thinking that would help. I allowed her to knead my muscles even though it hurt, I figured I needed it. When she touched me, well it was the first human touch I had in a week and I really needed a hug, so I began to cry. I cried during the massage and afterwards I thanked her and told her it was very therapeutic. I think my body was holding on to emotions that I tried to suppress. I thought, surely that did the trick! 

But no. That night I took and edible and went into the city to see a punk show. I noticed as I was sitting there that my shoulder and neck kept tensing up involuntarily.  I would never notice it happening, it was so subtle, but I would notice I was tensed up and then I'd relax. But not a minute later there it was again. Tensed up. Jesus Christ, bro. My body was going through it. 

After that things just continued to get worse. The pain began to radiate to my upper back, then my shoulder, then my upper arm. It got to the point where I couldn't carry anything (not even my water bottle) with my right hand. And I'm right handed. I began to not use that arm at all. As if I was a stroke patient who lost use of their arm. When I was in constant pain and 2 Advil only took the edge off, I knew it was time to see a doctor. This isn't right. Pain isn't normal. 

At first the doctor had to rule out Meningitis, which is pretty serious and can do a lot of damage. Luckily I have no fever or nausea and vomiting. She thinks I injured my trapeze muscle. It's strange because there was no injury. There was no impact. No accident. Nothing like that. Simply stress induced. I also have stress hives. Girl, I'm a whole ass mess! Lol. She gave me a prescription for muscle relaxers and a referral for physical therapy. Which I thought was a bummer. But she says if I don't use my arm it could cause loss of mobility long term. So I set up an appt for next week.

I was told not to take the muscle relaxer till bedtime that night to see how it affected me. I was so looking forward to some relief! But bedtime came and the muscle relaxer did NOTHING. I took another. Nada. I took a shit ton of magnesium and sleep drops so I could get some sleep. I was crying because there was no position I could get into that wasn't painful. I took a 3rd muscle relaxer in the middle of the night. Well that was a mistake. I was able to get a few hours of sleep but the next morning when driving my kid to school I still felt it. You're not supposed to drive on it and now I know why. I was fighting my eyes closing the whole drive to school drop off. It was dangerous. After that I drove to Kroger and took a nap in the parking lot. It was that bad. Woof. Then I went inside and bought whatever I could find to try to help this pain. I called my doctor frantically saying "please help me, give me something,  the pain is unbearable". She said I could up my dose of muscle relaxer, up my dose of ibuprofen and alternate with tylenol. Oh thank fucking GOD. So yesterday I managed to have moments of not being in pain, or just discomfort. Sleeping is the worst though. THE WORST. I woke up in the middle of the night in pain, but I wasn't due for my next dose of either pain killer. I thought to myself, they HAVE to have something stronger for cases like this. Then I thought....this is probably how people get addicted to pain pills. 

So where I'm at right now is, I'm managing the pain for the most part. But there are still times when i'm dying and I can't take anymore medication. If I didn't have my son this week I'd be taking edibles to help with the pain. I just want this shit to go away. Doc says it probably won't go away until I do the PT and even with that it takes time. I can't go till next wed, that was the earliest appt  I could get. I'm definitely out of commission till then. 

I really had not anticipated something like this. And its annoying as hell. And I just want it to go away. I mean emotional healing is bad enough but mix in having to heal physically as well? Damn bro. Universe is really trying to teach me something. 

My one friend here, who I haven't seen in 2 weeks, wants to meet up. And as much as I could use a hug and some girl time, I don't even know if I'm up for it with this shit. So if you're reading this, send  me some good healing vibes. That would be helpful. Thanks!