My sub just broke up with me

Because I was too much and wanted too much. That's pretty bad. When a sub is like "you're too much".  I think the sub experiment has probably run its course. its never worked out. Though he's been the nicest of all of them. I don't know how any guy can handle my shit. I'm too much for everyone. And I really let my crazy out on him. It's the most unmasked I think I've been with anyone. It was liberating.  To just say all the crazy shit and for him not to talk back. That was therapeutic. 

But he got sick of my shit. I don't blame him and i'm not surprised. it's making me think about what I truly want. When I was getting all of my emotional needs met it didn't matter. i didn't need him for much. but when that slowed down i leaned on him to pick up the slack and thats not what he signed up for. And also I don't think i'll ever understand what a submissive man wants from me. Whats ok to say or expect and what isnt. everytime i try to lean in  i do it wrong. its so confusing.

What do I want? Do I want a poly relationship? Do i just want a flirty friendship? I know that I want to be missed. I know i want someone who puts in some effort to talk to me. And someone who doesn't find it so easy to walk away. A part time boyfriend? I dunno. whatever it is i haven't found it yet. And maybe i never will.

I just know i'm too much for any one man. So I need more than one. I just don't think its fair to have a romantic relationship with more than one person. That's something I'm struggling with. Unless the man you're dating is going into the relationship already poly.

It's difficult for me to allow myself to be so vulnerable with someone and then be rejected. Even if its as kind of a rejection as it could have been. But i'm trying to sit in the discomfort and not take it personally.  its all part of the journey I guess. Its all about what I learned from this experience. And how to apply that lesson going fwd.