Ooooh that's CUNT.

Bruhhh.....The amount of growth I've had in the last month  is insane.

My therapist and I have been processing and deconstructing some of my shit. I fucking love my therapist so much. I can tell her anything. She's so cool. She's like, so......are we going to try to have a non kink relationship? LOL. I was like nah, this is where it's at. Being dominant allows me to embrace my true self.  The woman I've always been. Traits that were seen as bad/selfish/too much, things I pushed down to be more palatable to people.  I learned to be a ppl pleaser, specifically to men. Being cute was apparently something I learned to do at a young age. It gave me attention and validation. As an adult I continued it. I dunno maybe I'm just naturally cute? But also...how much of that is learned behavior? Being cute or being sexual were the only two ways to make men like me. Daddy issues? That's tooooo much to dive into in a blog post. But let's just say I had to work for his attention and now I think it's normal to have to work for a man's love. To win them over, to convince them to choose me. What a joke.  Ladies, the right man won't need any convincing. 

My therapist encourages my exploration of my dominant side. She says I'm stepping into my power and I quite agree. It took a "tower moment" to shake me up and make me remove the rose colored glasses I was wearing. Sadly I think most women experience this kind of thing. Wanting so badly to be chosen that you allow so much disrespect. It's taken a lot of time, reflection, processing of emotions, crying, talking my best friend's ear off, and just being a girl, but I think I've certainly come out stronger on the other side. 

So here I am, leaning into the domme in me and I gotta tell you, it feels very correct. I feel .....really good. Like good good. I am a switch of course, I love a good power exchange. However, I certainly lean more dominant. Shit, even as a sub I don't like being told what to do. lol.  For a while there I kept questioning myself. Am I....not dom enough? When I tell you how much I tried to be more dom, the research, the questions, the failed attempts. (This reminds me of when I tried to figure out a way to be more sexual with my husband. I see a pattern. Always trying to "fix" myself when the problem isn't me, its that i'm with the wrong guy). When it comes to being a domme, I wasn't given a manual. I just know I enjoy having power over men. It gets me rock hard. Turgid, in fact. After doing a lot of exploring on my own I realized there was absolutely nothing wrong with the way my dominance presents itself. I was just, in fact, with the wrong sub. Compatibility is important. But this is how we learn! We make mistakes! We have new experiences. We keep what we like and get rid of what we don't. And each experience makes us better and brings us closer to who we're meant to be. 

Now, I know what to look for, and what to watch out for. And what I absolutely will not tolerate. Now that I know what I want, I'm craving it, and I know that I will NOT settle for anything less. So while I do enjoy many vanilla things like cuddling, kissing, holding hands, being intimate, I also want to be in control. And I can be both!!! Also, I'm pretty nasty. I haven't had a chance to explore that side of myself yet and I want to find someone who's freak matches mine. I also realize I want a relationship. Not an intense or serious one, but a relationship nonetheless. No more FWB, no more "situationship" cuz fuck that. I want monogamy. I'm done fighting for a guy's attention. I'm done begging to be chosen. I want someone who not only chooses me, but jumps through hoops for me. He's mine (my property), and I'm his (owner). We don't have to talk all the time or see each other all the time, I need better boundaries because I tend to lose myself in relationships. I will no longer make myself that available to anyone again. I want him collared and caged, and I hold the key. And he's happy that way. He wants to be owned. To serve. A cuck situation would be ideal, but I'm open to it just being us. I want him to worship me, to crave me, to beg for me. I want to deny him. My sadism is very mental. AAaaannnd there goes my brain popping a boner again. I want CONTROL. And I cannot stress this enough. I👏🏼DO👏🏼 NOT👏🏼 SHARE👏🏼 MY👏🏼 FUCKING 👏🏼TOYS!!! My sub is MINE!
But with that control, denial, objectification and yes even humiliation, comes praise and affection. And yes, some men actually LOVE that combo.

I learned that I can be ALL parts of myself, I don't have to pick and choose. I can be cute and sweet and loving, I can be bitchy and sadistic, I can be nurturing, I can be sarcastic and funny, I can be all those things and still command respect. I will no longer try to embody what I think a man wants me to be. Nor will I try to do things that work on "his terms". Because all that does is suck your energy and leave you with nothing. No more selfish men. Just because you're not enough for one man doesn't mean there aren't a bunch more who will think you're exactly what they're looking for and treat you like the fucking goddess that you are. 

I used think there were only two modes. Either I was online sifting through countless men, wasting my energy only to be disappointed again and again. OR I could disconnect from all of it and not talk to anyone at all. I saw getting back on and engaging as cheating. I would feel guilty about it. Like, it meant I was weak. But now I know it doesn't have to be all or nothing. So I came back with a new mindset and a new strategy to filter out the ones that were even worth my time. By placing a task in front of them just to earn the privilege of engaging with me I have saved myself so much time and energy. Men are lazy. The amount of male attention I get, I used to think was validating. But now I know men will give anything attention. It's not the amount of attention, it's the quality. So far none have made it through the filter. And I have found that it's a great way to not get sucked in. To go on about my day and my life without falling into their trap. It's WONDERFUL!  (thanks for the idea 😉)

Along with being lazy and not reading, men, I have discovered, are very manipulative. They will try to manipulate you in different ways, but they all do it. Once you're aware of it, it becomes so clear that you just have to laugh and be like damn, I can't believe I used to fall for this shit. 😂 Then you start to have fun with it because you don't care, and that's the most freeing thing in the world!  Because now the domme comes out. And she can choose to either play with her food before she tosses it in the trash, call them out on their bullshit (make them squirm), or simply disengage. So far I've done the first and the last. And you know what? I have saved myself sooo much time and energy. I love this for us. 

Be blunt. Be brutally honest. Do not fill the space with your words. Let him do the work. And if he doesn't, deuces ✌🏼. Also, guys are too lazy to customize their emojis, that's just a little pet peeve of mine.  Once you stop needing validation from men, life gets a lot more fun! Because babe, remember,  these men are beneath us. 

So yeah I'll wait. I'm good with waiting. I have shit I'm working on anyway and I'm having fun working on myself. I don't need a man to complete me. So until one comes along who is worthy of my time, we're not bothering with them. 

You don't need heels, leather, or whips to be cunty babe. You can be cunty in sneakers and pants. It's not about how you look, it's about how you feel and how you carry yourself. Just be authentically you, when you do that, your confidence will shine through. It's trying to be something you're not that makes you so insecure.  Now go embrace you're inner cunt, you got this. 😘

"A Mistress is a Female owner of slaves or a Woman who dominates and takes control of those who submit to Her. A Goddess however is so much more than this.
She is One who must be worshiped and adored. She requires Her subjects to be completely devoted to Her and willing to do anything to please Her, serve Her and make Her happy. She expects to be presented with offerings that will please and placate Her, and she will wreak vengeance on those who do not do this.
She is the divine incarnate. She is the embodiment of all that is noble, true, wise and beautiful. She should be held in awe. Her slaves must worship the ground She walks on and humbly grovel at her feet begging to be considered worthy enough to serve Her. For a Goddess is One who is truly great and demands total respect, devotion and adoration at all times and forever."​