The struggle

2026 started out awesome for me. I was gaining momentum in my business, I was building, etc. But I got lost in the noise of the state of the world in the US right now. The existential dread is starting to really do a number on my mental health. Between the divorce stuff, and now feeling like doom is eminent it's becoming a struggle to.......not give up on everything entirely. What's worse is I had a horrible mushroom trip last halloween that caused a psychosis which scared the shit out of me. I lost touch with reality. It was a horrendous feeling. No relief, no matter what I did,  from the blaring light in my head and the loud metal music in my head. The feeling of not being able to have relief no matter what you do is something I would never wish on anyone. I really was scared that I had caused myself to snap. That my son wouldn't have a mom anymore. All because I chose to do something stupid. I went into this horrible thing where,  nothing mattered,  even dying wouldn't bring relief. Nothing is real, the world isn't real. There's no good,  no rest,  no relief.  It was just the most horrible experience in my entire life. And now with all this existential dread those feelings are starting to pop up and it scares the shit out of me. I'm so scared of feeling that again. 

I've been struggling. I deleted social media (that isn't work related) and I've been trying to focus on my health. Being alone isn't helping. 

If I can just make it through the divorce and the impending doom and survive till things get better, I may just have a great life! I want to so badly. I'm trying. I was trying hard. And now I'm trying so hard just not to snap. I don't know what's gonna happen. But I felt I needed to document this.