Things have gone from bad to worse

 If you read my previous post about my recent health condition you'd know that i've been losing my range of motion in my right arm. It started out as annoyance, then became painful. And now, its just getting scary.

I can no longer squeeze things with my right hand. My dominant hand. Feeling weak and unable to do something I've always been able to do is....I can't even think of the word...it’s scary.  It makes me feel...disabled. 😔 As a single mom, I don't have the luxury of having a man help me with things. I actually do a whole hell of a lot on my own. Which is why I like princess treatment, because it's something I never get. I lug things, I carry heavy bookbags for my kid, I load and unload the luggage, I moved my furniture in here, I fix what I can around the apt, I lug my trash up the stairs and drive to the dumpster, I install electronics, I lug the groceries all in one trip, my nails are shit because i'm constantly doing things with my hands. The reality is i'm handy, because I have to be. I try to be soft when I can because I've had to be hard for a long time. 

Not being able to do basic things feels really fucking scary. Because how can I take care of myself, let alone my son, if i can't use my right hand? This whole situation is escalating quickly in a way I didn't see coming and it's scaring the crap out of me. I need this PT bad. I cannot explain to you the feeling of my own hand going out on me. Unable to squeeze  a bottle of soap. I've never seen my hand do that before. It hurts to write. I'm quickly starting to lose it. I don't see the PT till Wednesday. 

Friday I was in so much pain that I went to urgent care. Luckily they gave me 2 shots. One was an anti-inflammatory, the other a steroid shot. That helped with the pain. Then she gave me an rx for a different muscle relaxer and a higher dose of what is essentially Aleve. She told me I can also up my Tylenol, thank God. But i'm worried. Things have progressed so quickly this week. I worry how bad it will get from here to Wed. Thank God I don't have my son next week. I genuinely don't know how bad this could get. I'm hoping the PT will give me exercises to do daily so I can regain the strength in my arm. And by the time I have my son again I'll have my range of motion coming back. 

Being alone is hard. I'm grateful that i'm still under my ex's insurance for now. That is a total blessing. 🙏🏼 This is some weird freak shit. From what i've read and heard I feel like all signs point to a pinched nerve. I sincerely hope its nothing more serious than that. But i'm getting scared now. 

Things have continued to escalate. I cannot write without pain. I can't hold my phone with my right hand anymore. It even hurts to type. I'm in pain writing this. 

Things i'm no longer able to do with my dominant hand:

-pull the steering wheel of my car
-hold anything heavier than a salt shaker
-squeeze things
-push down the nozzle on an aerosol can
-masturbate
-wipe myself 
and pretty soon typing....

Not sure whats gonna happen to me this week. I'll be on my own with no help. I can't take out my own trash. I feel so useless. I haven't been able to clean up my place. I don't know how i'm gonna vacuum and do laundry and omg the air mattress, thats a very physical process that i just can't do. Fuck. This sucks. I feel scared and alone and disabled. I can't get groceries. I'll have to do instacart i guess. I really don't like this. I wish my parents were closer, they would help me.

​I don't even know what to say anymore....this might be my last update for a bit.

*Update* ONE WEEK LATER

Woof that was a ROUGH week, kids. 
This was a very hard week for me. I'm grateful I didn't have to take care of anyone but myself. I was dealing with a lot of pain. It was getting to the point where I was gonna go to the emergency room because nothing was giving me relief. Constant pain. I was talking to text and there was very little I could do. Other than Dr. appts I stayed home on the couch or in bed. Not much else I could do. I hadn't gotten any decent sleep in over a week. My mental health was suffering man. My ex offered to take me to dr. appts which was very nice. But I was able to drive myself with some pain but doable. I had to give blood one day for something totally unrelated. And I was just wincing in pain from my arm. And this bitch stuck me in 3 diff places in my good arm, no blood would come out. BRuuuhhhhh. I'm like keeling over like, I don't care anymore man. Stick me, don't stick, leave me on the floor, whatever I don't care anymore. I got nothing left. The next day I saw the orthopedic Dr. If he couldn't give me relief my next stop would be the emergency room. 

Luckily he did some xrays, its the lower vertabrae in my neck, and its causing nerve pain. Solution, a course of steroids for 6 days and then PT for 6-8 weeks! woof. I don't even know what caused this shit. Sleeping wrong? Stress? Now I have to do 6-8 weeks of physical therapy. Shit's crazy pants. Luckily the steroids helped. Finally some relief!!!!!!! Thank GOD. 3 weeks of being miserable and i'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's day 3 of 6. And so far the least amount of pain today. Morning was rough, mostly in my arm, but way way way wayyy better. I'm very grateful for the relief. For the use of my right arm again. And for the record, edibles did nothing to help, sadly.  Oh yeah and I got a chemical burn on my upper back from all the icy hot patches. Super. So yeah there's my update.