Valentines Day

Yeah I know, it's a little early. 

But I saw something that hit me in the gut.

Valentines Day is a cursed holiday for me. I can't remember the last time I had a good one. I'm usually alone on Valentines Day. In 2023, I was talking to (and had slept with) some guy who very much did not care about me passed the length of his dick. in 2024 (before v-day)  I had just seen the last of Mr. Big. Also Feb 2024 is the last time I had sex. I don't count my ex with the tiny dick who fucked me in the summer. I've wiped that from my memory. In 2025 I was with someone I really liked and I thought Finally! The universe has smiled upon me, I get to feel special  and wanted for Valentines Day. Finally I'm not alone. But when I told him I wanted to be taken to a nice Valentines Day dinner he reacted poorly. He basically had a mini tantrum and went on a tirade about it being a stupid holiday because he's so anti everything. I think it was because he didn't feel THAT way about me so he didn't want to pretend. I didn't want him to get down on one knee and sing to me. I just wanted a nice dinner just to have that feeling of being something to someone on valentines day. Even if it wasn't necessarily romantic. I started to cry. My one time I was sure it would happen he made a stink. I had never cried in front of him before. I don't like to cry in front of ppl but that was just too much. He quickly apologized and said he would do it. 

But that was the last time I saw him. I never did get that dinner. I got a break up email though. So that's cool.

And I'm right on track to be alone again this Valentine's Day. That's whatever. 

But even before ending my marriage, Valentines day sucked. My ex husband was NOT romantic at all. He was logical and practical. He never gave me a gift I didn't ask for explicitly. Jesus fucking Christ, I had to direct him for everything. He just wasn't thoughtful in that way. Acts of service, that's his love language. So, paying the bills, that's how he showed love. I spent 20yrs in a passionless marriage. The best thing about Valentines Day is that I would get a card where he would express his feelings towards me. I would (god this is so sad in retrospect), I would get so excited and read the card really slow and squeal and kiss him, as if he had surprised me with tickets to Paris or something. It was just a card with  him expressing things he NEVER expressed outside of these cards. I would get 3 a year. Valentines day, our anniversary in March and mother's day. He never expressed his feelings. He was kind and gentle and often affectionate but no words. I never got compliments. 
Even when I got all dressed up. I used to tell myself well, he doesn't care that I'm all dressed up but he acts the same way when I'm in pajamas looking a mess. Neutral. If I could call that man anything, it would be that, neutral. So yes, I've been starved of romance for my entire adult life. 

I've always been the one who loves harder, bigger, more visibly. I love to make people feel special. Most people love to receive but they don't reciprocate. Which is probably bc I pick the wrong ppl. Note to self, stop fucking with Taurus men. 

But the whole reason for this post is bc I was on TikTok and someone was making a tutorial on how to make a cute valentines day basket using stuff from the dollar store. It came out super cute but I was like, lol, what guy would do this? The men I've been with would never put this much effort into anything. Then I went to the comments to see if other ppl shared my skepticism. Instead I found comments with pictures saying "this is the one my man made for me last valentines day" and it's next to this display of other romantic shit. Then another one, and another one. And I felt robbed. Men do this kind of thing? What is THAT like?? I thought men didn't like doing anything that required effort. Then again I also thought married ppl never kissed more than a peck, bc that was my experience. Jesus fucking Christ. I am very happy to not be in that marriage anymore. Although I'm sure he's doing the most for his new gf. 

So yes, I expect worship. I expect big public displays of worship. I want LOTS of verbal worship.  I expect grand gestures. I want everything. I deserve everything. Because I have spent my adult life giving and getting very little  in return. And now I will not settle for anything less than everything I deserve. 

I will never waste energy on a man who doesn't treat me like the gift that I am.