Well we broke up again (sort of)

I use that term very loosely as we were never dating. 
The first time it was because I was tired of getting scraps of the kind of attention I deserve. He couldn't even compliment me. Like what? Then you don't get access to my body or to me. But when I confronted him he was so emotionally mature. He opened up to me about the reason behind his shortcomings. He said his other relationships were suffering as well. Ours was not a relationship but a dynamic. He was my sub. Super obedient and consistent which we love, but I require some form of reverence. I don't do performative kink. I've done it before and it makes me cringe to think about it. It made me cringe then. ugh. 

Anyway he said he needs to get his life together. He's not where he thought he would be. He thought he'd have a better job by now, have his own home, etc. He said he needed to focus on himself and go to therapy. All of which I was very supportive of and frankly impressed. It was refreshing to see a man be so self aware and actually work on improving himself. As I do not like to discard ppl or be discarded, I asked if he wanted to stay friends. He said yes he would love that. Which made me very happy. 

As time went on, one thing was abundantly clear, he wanted to STRESS that we were only platonic. It was, alot. There was a proverbial brick wall up between us. And behind that a moat. Then 20 armed guards. Never verbalized. It was all in his energy. The way he seemed cold or detached when we spoke. The way he stayed like 3 ft away whenever we hung out. Yet he continued to reach out to me. I never texted him first. He seemed like he wanted some version of this connection. So I continued to be my kind supportive self. Getting excited for his milestones and things he was accomplishing. Telling him I was proud of him. Cheering him on. I remember telling him that he didn't have to be so cold with me. That the world wouldn't end if he showed a little sweetness. He apologized and said he was just tired. right. 

We've hung out a couple of times since downgrading to just friends and they were......unfulfilling. The conversation with him always stayed surface level. He would tell the same stories every time. There was never any depth. No vulnerability. No attempt to really connect. And I match energy. So I kept it surface level. If this is what he wants, fine. But he wasn't witty or funny. He was dry and frankly....boring. I don't think he really is that way, but he was with me. So uptight. 

Last week we were texting the usual back and forth nothingness and I told him I was proud of him and he said "Thank you Queen". Well my heart fluttered. It had been so long since he showed any kind of softness or affection towards me. I was like wow that's the nicest thing you've said to me in a long time.  He was like, I'm nice. I said yes you're a good boy, that's not in question. You just haven't been anything but business for months. He said he was just in his head bc he was afraid to lead me on. It's happened to him before so he's super conscious of it. I said look, why don't you just tell me what your boundaries are. I'm very good about respecting and honoring other people's boundaries. I was like, I just need to know whats allowed and not allowed so that we can relax in between that. Which felt like a reasonable request. I think we landed on a kiss on the cheek is ok. Like that's all he was willing to let me have. LOL. Again making things feel one sided because here I was trying to get close to him and the most he could give me was "i'll allow it", without reaching to meet me at all. But as usual I was super kind and understanding. He once again said he would try harder. Something I have heard from him a few times before. 

He has anxiety, he takes medication for it. He had a bad experience previously with a fwb he had for like 3yrs, they talked everyday, and she ghosted him. So he's carrying around hurt from that, plus anxiety about getting close to any one else. Which I don't blame him for. I tried very hard to work within his limitations. But after a while I was like.....why are we doing this? I was ok with it being a surface level thing when it was physical. Because I was getting my physical needs met in exchange for not having an emotional connection outside of that. Fine. But take that off the table, and don't replace it with emotional connection, or at the very least a true friendship and what is the point of any of it? I don't do empty surface level bullshit. He's not meeting any of my needs. Not physical, not emotional, not even mental stimulation. He's just slowly siphoning my energy, drip by drip. I had an energy leak and I was starting to feel depleted. 

I tried matching his energy by giving him very little and he felt it. Sure you guys can give me scraps but the minute I stop being my sweet glowing enthusiastic self, then you see an issue. 🙄 He asked me what was wrong, that something felt off. I used that as an opportunity to let him know how I was feeling...like actual filler. And one thing you gotta know about me is I AM NOT FILLER. I am, as evidence by this blog, incredible in a variety of ways and any person would be lucky to know me, let alone have me as a friend. I'm not here to be the packing peanuts of your life. Fuck that. My energy is way too valuable. 

He apologized. Said he's not doing as well as he thought. That his depression has gotten worse and his other relationship/friendships have been suffering as well. He said he never meant to make me feel like filler and he's really sorry that he did. It was a very kind, understanding and self aware response to me calling him out. I told him that it's ok, I didn't take it personally, he's got things to work on. I wished him luck and told him if he ever got really sad and needed a lifeline that he could text me at any time. I told him i'm not going anywhere, just removing myself from the equation for now. He never responded. Story of my life. 

I mean call me dumb for holding space for ppl I once felt close with, but I just can't discard ppl who imprinted on me. If I trust someone, that doesn't go away. Is that super naive? I dunno. I just don't see a point in holding a grudge. Or throwing someone away over some dumb bullshit. But I am learning to remove myself from situations that no longer serve me. And saving my energy for people who are pouring into my cup as well. Reciprocal energy. That's all I'm doing from now on.