at this point...

I went back to entertaining men to try to get over Mr. Big. 

But I just didn't seem to have it in me, I matched with a handful of guys, there's plenty of big dick to be had. And yet.....sigh.....even if they get passed my usual vetting process, I just can't find the energy to go on a date anymore. Like whats the point? Shave, pluck, primp, make up and hair, squeeze into an outfit and smell good for someone who doesn't put in half as much effort. Just to end up putting on a performance. That shit takes a lot of energy I just don't have. I'd rather save my money and sit my ass at home with my luxuries. 

I don't want to meet ppl. I don't want to date. I just wanna skip to the part where I trust you and we feel comfortable with each other and you can come over and chill. We can eat, watch something, maybe get high and talk about life, then have some great sex and cuddle for a while. Then you can leave and I can be at peace. I want what I had with Mr. Big. sigh.....you know, I would have explored so much with him.....he was my safe space. 

Now I'm left to try to fill that void yet again. And honestly I don't think I can invest so much of myself into someone who's just gonna be whatever about it. 

So at this point.... i'm just looking for someone I find attractive that I have sexual chemistry with and just go to his place. Have a nice evening, connect in a real way, do whatever feels right, and then call it a night. and go on about my business..

I just....have to conserve my energy. it's sacred. and when i give, it builds, the more i trust the more i'll give. but you HAVE to water the plants....or they will wither and die....i'm so tired of men who don't get that. or don't care. I'm an investment. If you're not willing to invest the energy, and no one is, then leave me alone. Stop giving me all this A game when you're simply doing that to get to me. I crave consistency.