Confession: exposing myself

Ok. I'm gonna get really real  in this post. I've been keeping this a secret for years. But as part of my growth journey I think it's time to just own it. 

I've spoken on here before about my fear of squirting because I'm not sure what's going to come out. I've encountered enough men that are so repulsed by the idea of piss that they will shame a woman for having anything come out of her that isn't cum. It has created even more shame in me. 

My past experiences alone have proven that i do indeed squirt. No not like girls in porn (i wish), it just dribbles out and leaves a wet stain. The smell is sweet. It's probably a mixture of urine and ejaculate. It doesn't have a pee smell. Like I said, it's sweet. However, I have had orgasms where I did in fact fully piss myself. And that odor is unmistakable. Not terrible, unless you're not hydrated, but just very obvious. But that left me feeling so much shame. What's worse is, it was so satisfying. 

Going back to my childhood, holding in my pee was just something i did. And i did it till i couldn't anymore bc it felt good. And that habit carried into adulthood. Having a full bladder, before it becomes painfully uncomfortable, is so good it makes my eyes water. I can't explain it. It's better than an orgasm. 

I realized in my teen years when I started to look at porn and read erotica that I was turned on by watersports. There's something very nasty and primal and taboo about it that appeals to me. There's also the desperation and the liberating feeling of letting go. I remember sharing a story about his with my ex when we were still dating and he thought it was gross. I guess that was the first time I pushed down this side of me. I would continue to push it down throughout my marriage and with every other partner. For fear of shame and judgment. 

To this day my way of edging is having a full bladder and pushing down on it while I think of things. Certain men. And things they would say to me. It's something I can't explain bc they'd never understand. How do you explain the bladder part much less the fact that you're getting off on romantic things and not even sexual ones. No one would get it. 

The BEST orgasms I have are when I masturbate with a full bladder. So intense. But such a mess. Even when I try my hardest I always let a little out. 

My whole life has been me holding back. Holding back because I can never let go with anyone. Jesus I can't even tell anyone this shit. 

I think this is why I have such a hard time having an orgasm with a man. I have to focus on trying to cum while also focusing on not squirting or pissing on them. It's almost impossible. And If I do cum I end up forcing it and it's never satisfying. 

There. I said it. It's done. 

Do I need to piss or squirt to enjoy sex? absolutely not. I'm going to come across tons of men who aren't into it at all. And just knowing this about me might turn a lot of guys off. But so be it. No I don't need it, like I said.

But I do wish I could experience what it's like not to hold back. To be with someone who's not only into it but eager to experience it with me. Because that level of release, if i can get passed the shame and be re-assured that its not a bad thing and be encouraged, oh my god.....could you imagine? It would unlock a whole new world of pleasure for me that I've been missing out on for years. 

God...one day.....