Last night I had this dream...

I had a dream where I was outside of this place where swingers were meeting to have, what I could only imagine in my head as orgies. I cringed at the thought of sex everywhere. "Ew", I thought. Just showing all your stuff and going with anyone and doing that. There’s a part of my brain I definitely battle with when it comes to sexuality. The prudish judgy part of my brain. The one that makes me feel shame. It’s that same voice that makes ppl delete Reddit. The one that makes me wash all this overly sexual stuff away so I can be “clean” mentally, spiritually, physically. Like it’s wrong or dirty or gross in some way. I mean blame religion, society, etc for that programming. Especially for girls who are supposed to be good and proper. It’s the same voice that tells me “men only pay attention to you when you talk about sex, you can be better.”

Anyway…I stayed outside of this venue and had some drinks and kind of loosened up. I got more comfortable with the idea. And I saw some of the ppl coming outside and hanging out, getting a drink, they seemed like regular normal ppl. Not creeps. After a while I was like…..does anyone wanna go back in? Because now I was up for it. I found some ladies and we chatted a little. We decided to go inside. Then some of the men standing around outside saw us and came back in as well.  I was excited to explore with these men and women. At one point we were all sitting in this little auditorium going through a little orientation or guidelines or whatever and all of a sudden to my right, like 6 seats down, I see her. It’s my mom’s old friend who’s known me since I was born. Ughhhhhhh whyyyyyyy??!!! Fuck. I have to leave. So I crouch down behind the seats and start to slink away. I look up and catch her eye and she says “you think you’re just gonna sneak out of here?” With a smirk. Ughhhhhh. I ran out.

So In the end the judgy voice in my head did win. However the fact that I was open to it shows growth! So I know there’s a little part of me longing to explore new things. But the fear of it being too much for me or feeling weird and gross keeps me from going there. I have more growing to do for sure. But progress is happening! 

​How do you all deal with that voice in your head?