Reddit classics (006)

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I married my 3rd boyfriend. He was the 2nd person I ever slept with. I was 18 when I met him. In high school guys never looked at me.

I never got that whole dating thing most ppl have. That cutesy love. I mean don’t get me wrong I had it once. A million years ago. The first couple guys I dated were older than me. Wasn’t cutesy. Probably how I learned to be sexual. Getting attention from men was my biggest goal bc I went so long without it. And yes I have daddy issues. 😂 I wish my brain was wired different. I know porn teaches you guys how to have sex. You think behaving that way is the way you’re supposed to behave in the bedroom. It’s not. Sure there’s a time and place for it all but it’s mostly performative. Porn is a visual thing created for men really, to get off. What it taught me as an impressionable 20yr old with a need to please men is how to be a fantasy girl. How to appear to be everything a man is looking for. Despite what you like or want. It’s not about you, it’s about him. God that’s so sad. But that’s how I spent my 20s.

I think a lot of women at that age have the same mindset. I don’t think it changes till you get older and more confident and more comfortable in your body. I don’t know what guys go through but I know women don’t get fully comfortable in their bodies till they’re older. When you’re young you listen to what society says is sexy and acceptable. When you’re older you don’t really give a shit what society says, you don’t need someone to tell you you’re sexy. You just are.

It’s been a journey for me and honestly I’m still working on speaking up for myself and not falling into old patterns of saying what they want to hear. I’ve gotten better at saying what I like and don’t like. I still struggle with laughing off bad behavior. The men on here and anywhere online think that their behavior is excusable because it’s behind a screen. “Sorry I’m horny” isn’t an excuse for crude and offensive behavior. If you wouldn’t do/say it to a stranger in person, don’t do/say it to me. I’ve been so trained to betray my own boundaries to make a guy not feel bad. It’s so warped man. I’m trying to be more aware and more assertive when it comes to that. Men need to be uncomfortable, they make us uncomfortable all the time.

Anyway I digress. My point is I never had that teenage love dating thing most ppl have. And since I’ve started being able to date again I realize how much I’ve regressed to that age. I want puppy love. I want sweetness. I find myself acting like a teenager who’s boy crazy. It sucks really. Bc I’m in my 40s. I find myself having crushes on guys I would have had crushes on in my 20s.
My innocence keeps me entertaining ppl I shouldn’t. I feel like shark bait. That’s why I got off the apps. Stopped looking to date. And I don’t come on here to find ppl to fuck. I guess it’s just a voyeur thing. And a place to share my thoughts freely. And very rarely to connect with someone and have a decent conversation.
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Don’t get me wrong I have a non innocent side. But she’s just for show. I save her for the ones who get to know me. She will not come out unless she knows she’s completely safe. One day some lucky guy is gonna get the whole package. The fun sweet innocent playful side and the really wild dirty side. I don’t think I got to be fully that during my marriage. We weren’t into same things sexually, so I never felt comfortable to let my guard down. Plus on this journey I’ve discovered so many more parts of myself and things that turn me on.
Can’t wait to feel safe with someone and really let go.