Where to begin...

I suppose I'll begin with the moment our marriage headed downhill....

But let me first preface this by painting a picture. We were your typical old married couple. We had a kid and a routine and were basically just going through the motions. Neither of us were really getting our needs met. Sure we loved each other but we were more like roommates and co-workers managing the house and the kid. I have been made to feel like i'm not doing my part as a wife for many many years because I wasn't meeting his sexual needs. I tried so hard. I tried dealing with my hormones. I tried any and every pill, oil, tea or potion that promised increase in libido. I tried contraptions. i thought, I must be broken, and it's my duty as a wife to FIX MYSELF for my husband. There were plenty of times I forced myself to have sex thinking that the more I do it, the more I'll want to do it. This wasn't true but it did by me a day or 2 of him being nicer to me. Brownie points as it were. 

Honestly it went on for so long its a mystery he didn't cheat on me, though he did threaten to on one occasion. Which made me put even more pressure on myself. He told me at a certain point he just resigned himself to never having sex. Like, he just gave up. Like some kind of martyr. 

During the pandemic he started therapy. And sometime in 2021 he decided to take his happiness into his own hands and he bravely brought up the idea of an open marriage. It shocked me. I was really taken aback by this. Mind you I had already given him an out to this marriage the year before but he refused to take it. This was, I guess, his compromise. He got to keep his wife and his comfortable life and have someone else take care of his needs, thus taking the pressure off of me. See what a gift it is to me? 

I was proud of him for actually doing something about his unhappiness instead of just being miserable. So I went along with it. Even though I didn't want to be with anyone else. Frankly I just wanted to be alone. I think deep down we both needed something to change. And this got the ball rolling on that. 

He found a woman on reddit in the first week. I was alone, not even trying, still wrapping my head around this. But it was his whole patronizing "it's ok if you don't wanna be with anyone else, you don't have to be.", attitude that made me like nah, fuck that. I'm not gonna sit here like an idiot while you go out and fuck around. pfft. I'm gonna go get mines. And thats when i created an online dating profile.

That's when things REALLY changed for me. Big time. I went from not even feeling like a woman, just a vessel for other ppl's needs, to feeling sexy and desired by men. Like what? I know they were just trying to sleep with me but I heard more compliments from strangers than I had ever heard from my husband.

There's a long journey to discuss in later posts but I did discover that I, in fact, was NOT broken. And that I did want sex, just not with him. Maybe if he made me feel the way these men did it would have been different. I think that's what guys don't get. They assume they have an old run down model that doesn't work anymore and they wanna trade up for a new young one or get their beaks wet with "discreet" encounters when, if they just put some effort into the old gal, they would see she's an absolute freak!