ahh yes, I, like you, had high hopes for this event. with a name like that, who wouldn't have fun. I expected men who were barking and howling for bbws and desperately worshipping feet. which is why I wore a little romper that basically goes up to the crease of my thigh. I've never worn anything so revealing around strangers before. and the top has buttons that open pretty far down so a lot of my bra was showing. I oiled up my legs with this yummy vanilla maple smelling oil, because you know me, when someone touches me I want them to smell how delicious I smell. I even wore toe rings and an anklet. with a fresh pedicure, my feet looked so goddamn sexy.

I get there, and hey, this is a lifestyle group. different crowd. older, um.....less attractive. like I wouldn't touch any of them but I would let them worship me. I love to look sexy and tease and not give anything. I love making men frustrated. I thought I would get a foot rub at least. nerp. little guy from before didn't come. he's an older guy but little and so beta it's so cute. and his sweet little face so blissful with my feet on him. that's the type of shit I like. I like being powerful, and above men, but I want them to be enthusiastic about getting to touch me. it should be a reward and a privilege just to be near me. let alone touch me. 

I walked around the party very confidently knowing full well I was the hottest youngest one there. I love having them all look at me. the women (not just here but at other events with lifestyle ppl) fucking love me. they're always saying I look hot and they always drool over my tits. they're not that big. you'd think I was fucking Anna Nicole Smith the way they act around me. last time I was at this social femdom event at a restaurant with these lifestyle ppl (a bunch of other ones too), I'd walk around the table to greet ppl. and I'm so short that when I walk over to someone who's sitting, my tits are right at their eye level. its so funny. I always show some cleavage. last time these 2 women just looked at me with mouths agape (like come on guys, they're not that BIG!!) and they put their heads on my tits, like a pillow. one on each side. I found it hilarious. Lately I've come in contact with a lot of bi women. and I mean, at every event. the pro Dommes, the lifestyle Dommes, and some have seemed interested. and I'm not bi.....but...I am into being desired? lol. I have had several female subs want to serve me but....I love women. I can't be mean to women.  I can be mean to men bc men ain't shit. but I could never talk to a woman the way I talk to men.

anway so....I was bored af at this party. mostly on my phone. and no one was doing anything aside from 2 women doing an impact scene. I'm like ok for this I'd rather be home in my pajamas. so I left. this guy who was there, in his 40s, decent looking, left me a comment on fetlife (I disabled DMs to frustrate men and keep me from getting their bullshit lazy messages) saying it was so nice to meet me. and that he would have worshipped my feet and he wished I had stuck around. I was like well I wish you acted sooner. then he was like I'm looking for a Domme, I would love to serve you. I said, come to the next event in 2 weeks. then he said some shit and I stopped paying attention to him. 

he ended up sending me some money on cash app that night, with a note that said "a gift for the party", which made a good first impression. but consistency is key for me. you have to stick around. I'm hard to get. I'll take the money. 

I'm not gonna write about everything I go to, just the stuff worth writing about.

I was asked to write about the party for the Domme throwing it, to help promote her events. And when I tell you I spent HOURS trying to make it sound good. My first draft was long winded with minute details as are all my ramblings on here. I had to strip it way down. Whatever its up.

But just between you and me.....I'm gonna tell you the shit I couldn't say. 

The party started at 11:30 and I was the first one there. Jesus Christ, I'm usually in bed by midnight. And due to my stupid anxiety I can never eat before these events so I'm always starving at them, which makes me lightheaded....but I digress. 

I show up, she's dressed in latex, looking amazing, the subs are in all black, I think they did a photo shoot. They were all her subs. I thought it would be random subs who wanted to join so I could maybe meet someone. I want a sub so bad 😩. anyway....

They were all so  different. There was the skinny Israeli guy with the nice big dick, I mean it was big flaccid, so....plus he had long ass balls. He had an accent and was mostly quiet. Then there was the older white guy. frankly I found this guy so fucking ANNOYING!!!!!!!! holy shit bro. he like....wasn't fully one way or the other. its like he wanted to serve but also wanted to be coddled. like, the fuck?? you're not a person! you're a THING to be used for my amusement. shut the fuck up. also I told him to rub my feet and he sucked at it. he didn't seem like he was into anything. I think he just wanted to be pegged. and when I asked him if that his thing he's that's mistress's thing. ok then what's your fucking thing bro? like ew stop being so wishy washy. I hate that shit. anyway, no surprise, smallish dick.

then there was a younger looking black guy. holllllyyyy fuuuuuck. I wanted to fucking smack him. he was bratty but not even in a fun way. in a lazy half asleep doesn't give a shit way. I was like are you even submissive? why are you here? none of his energy read submissive. I think he is a brat and needs to be put in his place. and his dick was big. and he got hard when they were putting in in chastity. so I saw it hard. not the biggest I've seen but certainly above average, but you know me I'm a fucking size queen and it has to be monstrous to impress me. still, seeing that I was very much reminded that I haven't been fucked in 2yrs. sigh...

then....there my favorite 🥹. ughhhh you guyyyyyyzzzz.....I have a Domme crush on this sub 😩😩😩😩. he is very much deeeeeeply owned by mistress. sigh.....I want one just like him though. he's just so cute in how excited he is to be used and to serve. it's so fucking precious. the way I fucking love precious men. 

this leads in to the best part of the night and the only part I'll really talk about bc the rest was impact and I'm not into impact. I honestly find it super boring. I'm so much more into nasty stuff, body stuff and psychological stuff. but I swear all I ever see ppl do is impact play. sigh....

anyway....the cute sub....he's a human toilet. I mean he's her everything sub. he has a lot of weird kinks, and he's such a good boy. he's like her personal assistant. they've been together 6 years and he still pays her weekly. I strive for something like thissss...but first I need to learn not to get too close to my subs. 

so she said we could use her "toilet", he's free use tonight. so me and the other Dommes got all super excited like yes! we wanna use him! mind you, this is my first time. and I've fantasized about it a lot, just always been too shy to do it. but ommmggggggg the way he LIT UP and had this big smile and big eyes. omgggggg it was sooooooo cuuuuute...I caaannnn'ttttt😩 

ay que bello! he was like ok! do you wanna sit or stand, and everyone said stand, and I said sit. bc...shy....and he's like OK! and he grabbed the toilet chair and brought it up to the bathroom to accommodate me 🥹🥹🥹 could you just?! he was like an excited puppy. so we all ran upstairs all giddy and I was like....hey guys, I'm not comfortable being watched (I mean, baby steps you know?) plus I had pants on, and it was a whole thing. if I had a dress or skirt it would have been different. so they were like no of course, and closed the door. and it was just me and him. and he's so excited. and I was ok put your blindfold on (bc he hasn't earned seeing my Goddess pussy. he did and then he got him self situated with his head under the seat. which, can I just say, is so fucking hot. Jesus fucking christ.  and I already thought he was adorable and I get horny for adorable. I sat and started peeing. and I just heard his desperate gulps trying to catch it all. soooooooo cuuuuuuuuute! umph 🫦 also.....it was SO hot. to think this guy wanted what was coming out of me so bad. like, that makes me feel so powerful. Like a fucking GOD-dess. it was also kind of intimate really. his face that close to my pussy. I was so turned on I wanted nothing more than for him to start licking, ughhhhhhhhhhhhh fuuuuuuuuuck. I would have ridden his fucking face at that point. just grinding my fucking pussy in his face like --

 --hold on hold on......let me get a hold of myself. I'm getting too worked up. Jesus Christ. give me a min to calm down.......ok I had to get on my phone and watch some reels or whatever to calm down. 

so....I got up from the seat quickly and said how fun that was. I wiped (which I wish he would have done with his tongue) and got my pants back on. then he talked to me for a bit about how he built that chair and how his mistress wants him to build a more complicated one....and all I could think was...I wanna take him home with me. but....I have to be careful bc I cannot disrespect another Domme. so I have to tread lightly. which worries me bc when I like you it's hard for me to hide it. and I'm a flirt...so...oof.

lets see what else.....I learned how to safely trample someone, and smother. that's next on my list. smothering with clothes on....then maybe work my way up to trampling. actually I should start with human furniture. I have to get away from this feeling of being too heavy or caring about their experience. as long as you discuss it ahead of time, they know what they're getting into. 

the rest of the night I just watched. OH!!!!! but ommmgggggggg the most AWKWARD thing happened. this sub showed up when I was close to leaving. omg....this guy used to follow me. interact with EVERY post. loved my shit. loved how brutal I was. he paid my tribute once just to write one message. he got one response. then he sent tribute again just to write another message. delicious. my tribute is not cheap by the way. anyway he was really stressed working on a big project, he works in IT or some shit, so I understood bc I remember the long hours with my ex. anyway....he was off fet for days at a time. occasionally he would pop on quick, like a couple of my things and pop off.  then he was gone for a week or two. then all of a sudden he pops up on my timeline. liking stuff and adding ppl and not interacting with my stuff at all for a few days. which I found odd. my brain looks for patterns, that's how it works with ADHD. when I get the pattern and you deviate from the pattern my brain freaks out. so I messaged him for clarity. it wasn't an angry message but it was direct. asking him if that was it, so I that I could know for sure and get on with my business because my brain doesn't like loose ends (another add thing). but he got really defensive. as if I had been a jealous girlfriend who showed up to his job or something.  and then he told me he wasn't my sub and blocked me. ohhhhhkaaaaayyy.....

so that's who shows up to the party. awkward. I avoided him which I probably should have just acted like I didn't remember him at all. I had a chance to humiliate and degrade him at the party, they stood me up and were literally like , go ahead you do it. I did tell one of the girls about the story so she was encouraging me to do it. but it was 2am and I was so tired, so I'm like I want to but I have nothing left, I gotta split. but let me just tell you, he had the TINIEST dick I've ever seen. not only small but thin. like I little pinky. this man is like 6'2 maybe? and skinny. I mean imagine going through life with that shit 😂😂😂 disappointing every woman you've ever dated 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Jesus Christ. he should have paid me for having to look at that shit. 

I left at 2am and they kept going into the wee hours, like close to 5am. I have NO idea what happened but I heard at least someone got pegged. I truly pray for whoever was getting pegged by those ladies bc they were all pretty sadistic based on the impact they were doing. 😂😂 rip to your asshole dude. 

that was it. and I feel better now that I got all that out. whew!!!

Things have kind of shifted in my life and  I'm going with the flow. 

I was very much working on my website and trying to build a place where I can redirect everyone to and talk about my style of domination and what I offer. Both online and in person. But that has kind of taken a back seat at the moment because I find myself swimming in femdom events and I'm loving it. It's so good for me.

As of now I have events lined up from Wed-Saturday of next week. I'm hoping I can maybe find myself a nice sub to come rub my feet at least. I have many needs but I figured foot worship is a good place to start. Low investment. If he stays that, cool , or it could grow into something else.

I have a mentor now, she's a pro-domme, and I love that she really saw me and understood my commitment to authenticity. And how I don't want to do anything for the shallow desires of men. My dominance is about me and what I want and anyone who wants to experience it needs to earn it. 

In meeting people, and seeing how they perceive me, I really do realize just how incredible I am. I have so much to offer a sub. Not just the psychological stuff, which I excel at. But in how I can make him feel. I believe that's something special about me. How I can make others feel. And that's not even counting that I'm fucking gorgeous. I know ppl see me as cute, and I am. And I think that's a superpower. But I am also genuinely very beautiful. 

I'm currently at a crossroads. I'm trying to figure out how my Domme side presents in person. Like, is it ok to be cute and sweet and still command obedience? Does it work? I plan to find out. Also, I have really been adamant about not sexualizing myself because men always just want to consume me and I don't want to give them any ammunition. But men are very visual. I suppose once I have a loyal regular it won't matter as much how I look every time. But I need to embrace my sexiness. Not hide my body, but, allow it to empower me. I will never show nudity. But....you know.... cool boots,  fishnets, maybe cute shorts or panties or maybe a cute body suit, a bra, fishnet top. Something that stands out. And I really want to lean into my bigness being my power. Rolls, gut, whatever, wrap that shit in fishnet body stockings and sit on his face. lol 

Ultimately the best version of me is one where I am genuinely myself. So right now I'm trying to find myself....as a Domme. And that requires putting myself out there irl. So that's what I'm doing! :)

You hear something like that and you think it sounds sexy huh? pfft

What you don't know is, lifestyle people are not models. They're just regular ppl. Usually nerdy, older, and the women, like myself, are all usually plus size. It's an ego boost, but it's not a hot scene. I think it's hot for those who aren't hung up on looks and just like to play. Which is a lot of people. The ppl were very nice and I felt safe there. The host, Mama Kat, was sooooo sweet to me. She took really good care of me. Pretty sure I was the youngest one there. Which should tell you something. But they're way more sexually free. Very loud about it too. 

I don't play with anyone I don't have a connection with. I have to a. be attracted to you, b. know you pretty well, and most importantly, trust you. The ppl at these parties......I don't know if any of that matters honestly. For them, the men at least, it just seems to be about opportunity. 

Let me give you a brief run down of what I saw:

1. a femme presenting person (can't tell if it was a sissy or pre transition trans woman), whipping and them humping another guy (both old).

2. Swingers in a bedroom where there were 2 guys 69ing with one woman eating out the ass of one of the guys. I've never seen ppl have se---- actually not true. When I hooked up with that couple they had sex in front of me. But they were hot and it was sexy af. But also intimate. This was 3 ( older) not hot strangers and it was just....weird. not hot. at all. plus I felt bad looking at them, seems rude. But it was interesting to witness. 

3. A guy----sissy and "her" Domme I had seen at social munches before. I watch "her" get paddled and whipped. It was loud. and kind of funny which isn't the reaction I expected myself to have. I've been so afraid of impact play but, it was done in such a respectful and lighthearted way that it seemed playful and fun. I wouldn't participate of course but it was nice to see them having fun.

4. This was the best part of the whole night. At one point Mama Kat asked if I liked getting foot rubs. I said yeah. She said there's a man here (her sub) who loves to give foot rubs and do I want one. I had just gotten a pedicure that day so I was like sure! So I sat on the couch and reclined and this guy rubbed my feet. It felt so good. And it made me realize how much I actually enjoy having my feet worshipped. He asked if I could put them on his face, and I did. That's when my Domme side came out. And I love how natural and assertive I was after that. I now want to find a foot sub......because it felt like pampering plus the added bonus of smothering is sooooooooooooooooo delicious. ugh. Plus it's sooooo cute to see a guy enjoying my feet so much. Just adorable. 

All in all I'd say it went well! And now I'm excited to go to more events. The thing I struggle with though, is this....

On Fet I make myself inaccessible, because it's safe. I want men to leave me alone. If a man wants my attention he's gonna have to jump through various hoops and prove himself worthy of my attention. But in person I am a very sweet, unassuming, approachable person. However that works against me bc men take that as a green light to pursue me and I don't want to be pursued. I don't go these parties to play or find subs. I go to learn and also to learn about myself and what excites me and what's not for me. But men see anyone woman in a kink space and think there mere fact that she's there is consent. So I'm trying to figure out what I should do. 

sorry things got dark for a minute there. But once I deleted all that shit and stopped paying attention to the news my entire world got better. 

Things have been good. 

​oh shitttttt!!! I didn't tell you!

Omg ok so...I'm getting emails from my lawyer about the proceedings and I get asked for all my finances for the last 6 months. Which is fine, that's normal. But in the email it said I have to include all my pro Domme work. EXCUSE ME????

Soo.........what is it that he found about me online? No idea. He's under the impression that I am a Pro-Domme. I am not. I'm a Findomme. 

I felt like this space I carved out for myself away from him was now compromised and to PISSED ME OFF. I felt so violated. Like Jesus Christ can't I have anything AWAY from you?!! ugh. I have nothing to hide. I sent in the paperwork. But what I do with my life is none of his business. 

anyway, that was my worst nightmare come true. after something like that happens, what else is there to be scared of?? I have nothing to hide. I'm proud of the persona I have poured my heart into for almost a year. I've worked really hard with lots of intention to gain the following and the respect that I have. 

I'm done feeling like I have to justify my existence. I'm done being scared. It's just gonna be what it's gonna be and I'll figure shit out on my own. I always do. 

Now I am more focused on going to more kink events and exploring BDSM. Because shit, you think I'm a pro-domme, might as well get some experience. 

So I've decided to document my experiences here on the blog. So stay tuned! 😁

2026 started out awesome for me. I was gaining momentum in my business, I was building, etc. But I got lost in the noise of the state of the world in the US right now. The existential dread is starting to really do a number on my mental health. Between the divorce stuff, and now feeling like doom is eminent it's becoming a struggle to.......not give up on everything entirely. What's worse is I had a horrible mushroom trip last halloween that caused a psychosis which scared the shit out of me. I lost touch with reality. It was a horrendous feeling. No relief, no matter what I did,  from the blaring light in my head and the loud metal music in my head. The feeling of not being able to have relief no matter what you do is something I would never wish on anyone. I really was scared that I had caused myself to snap. That my son wouldn't have a mom anymore. All because I chose to do something stupid. I went into this horrible thing where,  nothing mattered,  even dying wouldn't bring relief. Nothing is real, the world isn't real. There's no good,  no rest,  no relief.  It was just the most horrible experience in my entire life. And now with all this existential dread those feelings are starting to pop up and it scares the shit out of me. I'm so scared of feeling that again. 

I've been struggling. I deleted social media (that isn't work related) and I've been trying to focus on my health. Being alone isn't helping. 

If I can just make it through the divorce and the impending doom and survive till things get better, I may just have a great life! I want to so badly. I'm trying. I was trying hard. And now I'm trying so hard just not to snap. I don't know what's gonna happen. But I felt I needed to document this. 

 I've def been in sub space. You know that feeling where your brain shuts off and you become a mindless drone desperate to please your superior? Yeah, I've def felt it. And it's really really hot. 

But....

People never talk about Domme space. 
It doesn't happen a lot because most men are performative cretins. But every once in a while I'll encounter a sub who's so pathetic and I just FEEEEEED on it. It's funny  because when a sub feeds my sadism with his pathetic desperate energy I stop thinking. Something in me just takes over and knows exactly what to say and how to direct him. And all these ideas just come to the surface. Oof and the way I get so fucking wet being ruthless to a man. Verbal degradation is my specialty and my true love. HAHA. I've only been able to truly tap into that a handful of times but it's SO intense. His patheticness fuels my sadism and in term my sadism feeds his patheticness and its this self sustaining loop. And it doesn't end until something drastic happens. And he usually edges to it for a long time because the feeling is just too good. This has been known to last a few days with some men. The way they CRAVE my abuse just gets my fucking clit so hard and makes my pussy drool. I usually have to maturbate to it. Masturbating to the destruction of a man, tearing him down to nothing but a piece of shit and he wants more, I mean come on, how can I not masturabate to that?

But as you can imagine....mixing that kind of power with the money element, guys burn out pretty fast. They do come back though. Because once you've experienced the power of my mind it's hard to find anyone quite as depraved as me and the humiliating degrading things I make you  do.....😈

And once you're locked in,  you start making bad decisions 😈😈😈. 

Ahhh the ethical dilemma. Fan the flames and stroke yourself to their destruction? Or end it before they regret it? yeah right! 😂😂 You knew what the fuck you were getting yourself into, pussy bitch. HAHAHAHA! 

Of course if he's a regular, I'll tell him what a good boy he was for taking it for me. Then I'll let him go recover his dignity and his bank account. 

Hey guys! 

Boy oh boy! This year has already brought many changes for me. I continue to grow and get better and better and better!

This blog has become less about sex and more just about my life lol. Well my love life mostly. Or lack there of. 😅

But I think in this post I might open up a little.

I've been separated from my husband since 2022, living alone since 2023. I've had to learn to do ALOT of things for myself. This is actually my first time, aside from a college dorm, living alone. Which is wild to say in your 40s. I'm learning to be independent.

Well the divorce procedures have officially begun,  and I've gone from fear and despair to trust and optimism. What has fear ever really done for me? Nothing but hold me back. So I'm arguing my case for alimony. After a 20yr marriage I have a pretty strong case. And I'm just going into this mindful, aware, and prepared. And let the chips fall where they may. I just expect everything to work out for me. It always has. 😎

So I'm shifting from a mindset of lack and fear to appreciation and ambition. 

Oh I will be independent. And not only will I be able to make a living, I'm going to fucking THRIVE! And everyone who knew an older meeker version of me is gonna be surprised at what I am becoming. I am so driven to create a life on my terms and make a living by being myself. I'm super excited to focus on what I want,  and not worry about other shit. Doing life without a safety next is scary but I'm just convinced I can, not only handle what life throws at me,  but have an entirely new way of seeing life.  Bitch I pushed a whole baby out of my snootch with no pain killers. I can handle anything. 

With that said, I have decided to stop paying to host this blog. There's no real reason for it. Oh don't worry, I'm not gonna stop blogging. I've poured 3 years into this blog. It's my baby. However I will be leaving this website you're on now and putting everything up on blogspot. I don't need a custom domain for a blog 3 ppl see. lol. But until I get that up and running this site is staying active till June. At some point I'll change the link to blogspot and you won't have any changes on your end. Other than the layout being different.

I've invested the money into creating my own professional website for my Pro Domme stuff.  It's going to be the official place to find me, access my content, etc etc. I've already got the domain but I'm designing it myself which is going to take time bc my ADHD makes me get stuck on details and my creativity gets me stuck on perfectionism. But like my journey into the Domme world,  I'm sure my site will go throw evolutions and re-vamping. 

So yeah,  the wheels are in motion. I'm also working on content for sale and just my online presence as the Goddess. It's been so fun. Def the funnest thing I've ever done and the longest I've stayed working on something. April will be a year!!

I plan to continue to gain a following online. The ones who stick around are loyal followers. I'm a slow burn, which makes growth take longer for me. But that's ok. I know the ppl who want what I have will find me.

You know, a friend of mine once said "I can always make more money." And I always think about that. I don't want to live my life suppressing my joy and cutting back. I would much rather spend the money and have the experiences and just make more money. And that's what I plan to do! 😁 

I'm also planning on investing some of the money I get from the divorce. Make my money work for me. The cool part of getting to know so many Dommes is learning a lot about finances. 

Babe,  life is fucking great. Watch me shine. 

And with that, we'll talk later when I have something to talk about. 

k Luv you! bye! 👋😘

Yeah I know, it's a little early. 

But I saw something that hit me in the gut.

Valentines Day is a cursed holiday for me. I can't remember the last time I had a good one. I'm usually alone on Valentines Day. In 2023, I was talking to (and had slept with) some guy who very much did not care about me passed the length of his dick. in 2024 (before v-day)  I had just seen the last of Mr. Big. Also Feb 2024 is the last time I had sex. I don't count my ex with the tiny dick who fucked me in the summer. I've wiped that from my memory. In 2025 I was with someone I really liked and I thought Finally! The universe has smiled upon me, I get to feel special  and wanted for Valentines Day. Finally I'm not alone. But when I told him I wanted to be taken to a nice Valentines Day dinner he reacted poorly. He basically had a mini tantrum and went on a tirade about it being a stupid holiday because he's so anti everything. I think it was because he didn't feel THAT way about me so he didn't want to pretend. I didn't want him to get down on one knee and sing to me. I just wanted a nice dinner just to have that feeling of being something to someone on valentines day. Even if it wasn't necessarily romantic. I started to cry. My one time I was sure it would happen he made a stink. I had never cried in front of him before. I don't like to cry in front of ppl but that was just too much. He quickly apologized and said he would do it. 

But that was the last time I saw him. I never did get that dinner. I got a break up email though. So that's cool.

And I'm right on track to be alone again this Valentine's Day. That's whatever. 

But even before ending my marriage, Valentines day sucked. My ex husband was NOT romantic at all. He was logical and practical. He never gave me a gift I didn't ask for explicitly. Jesus fucking Christ, I had to direct him for everything. He just wasn't thoughtful in that way. Acts of service, that's his love language. So, paying the bills, that's how he showed love. I spent 20yrs in a passionless marriage. The best thing about Valentines Day is that I would get a card where he would express his feelings towards me. I would (god this is so sad in retrospect), I would get so excited and read the card really slow and squeal and kiss him, as if he had surprised me with tickets to Paris or something. It was just a card with  him expressing things he NEVER expressed outside of these cards. I would get 3 a year. Valentines day, our anniversary in March and mother's day. He never expressed his feelings. He was kind and gentle and often affectionate but no words. I never got compliments. 
Even when I got all dressed up. I used to tell myself well, he doesn't care that I'm all dressed up but he acts the same way when I'm in pajamas looking a mess. Neutral. If I could call that man anything, it would be that, neutral. So yes, I've been starved of romance for my entire adult life. 

I've always been the one who loves harder, bigger, more visibly. I love to make people feel special. Most people love to receive but they don't reciprocate. Which is probably bc I pick the wrong ppl. Note to self, stop fucking with Taurus men. 

But the whole reason for this post is bc I was on TikTok and someone was making a tutorial on how to make a cute valentines day basket using stuff from the dollar store. It came out super cute but I was like, lol, what guy would do this? The men I've been with would never put this much effort into anything. Then I went to the comments to see if other ppl shared my skepticism. Instead I found comments with pictures saying "this is the one my man made for me last valentines day" and it's next to this display of other romantic shit. Then another one, and another one. And I felt robbed. Men do this kind of thing? What is THAT like?? I thought men didn't like doing anything that required effort. Then again I also thought married ppl never kissed more than a peck, bc that was my experience. Jesus fucking Christ. I am very happy to not be in that marriage anymore. Although I'm sure he's doing the most for his new gf. 

So yes, I expect worship. I expect big public displays of worship. I want LOTS of verbal worship.  I expect grand gestures. I want everything. I deserve everything. Because I have spent my adult life giving and getting very little  in return. And now I will not settle for anything less than everything I deserve. 

I will never waste energy on a man who doesn't treat me like the gift that I am.

2025 has taught me some really really hard and painful lessons. It seemed like one thing after another would knock me down....and I would keep getting up. I'm proud of myself for getting up. I'm proud of you for getting up. And in case no one told you this,  I'm really glad you're here with us. 

Of all the painful lessons I learned this year the most painful and difficult has been learning to LET GO. God this one was so hard. It's just so hard when something gets ripped away from you and everything in you is praying and begging to get it back. And accepting that you will never get it back no matter how hard you try or how bad you want it,  is so unbelievably heartbreaking. This year broke me into so many pieces. I've never experienced this before in my life. 

But with all those falls came growth. I worked on myself so much this year. I did the inner work. It was fucking hard. 

I learned to set boundaries and stop betraying myself for other ppl. Stop letting ppl take advantage of my kindness. I learned to stop giving so many chances. If someone wants to be in your life they would.  It's not rocket science. 

I learned that when you do set boundaries and have standards it gets very quiet. It's been a very lonely year. But in that year I created something for myself. I started getting out there and meeting ppl. Going to new places. Having adventures on my own. With no one to share it with, no one to be proud of me. I was proud of me. And that's enough. I've changed so much and built something  I'm very proud of,  just by believing in myself. 

I lost my comfort. And I still struggle those times when I just wanna reach for my phone and say hi.
But I've met so many incredible women. It's been a year of women and female relationships. Which I desperately needed. I wasted too much time centering men.

I went to a tea party with some pretty big Pro Dommes from different cities and made a lot of connections. And my goal for 2026 is to go to London in October for the Femdom Ball. Which the old me would have thought was impossible and scary. She would have thought I don't deserve to spend that money on myself.

But I've learned to break the programming from my ex. I've also learned to say no to him. Setting boundaries with him especially  has been very cathartic.

I'm also trying to learn not to spin stories based on what my brain comes up with. And only say,  this is all I know, these are the facts. Its information. Not judgment. I'm a work in progress. I still def have my triggers. Silence still feels cruel to me. But I'm working through it. 

I'm learning to actually listen to my intuition and not dismiss it based on logic. Sometimes there might be no logical reason for how I feel, but my intuition has never been wrong.
 I'm blocking now. I don't give grace to ppl who don't deserve it anymore. I'm not gonna give ppl the benefit of the doubt. I'm not gonna stay quiet to make ppl comfortable. I'm holding people accountable. Let them be uncomfortable. Block, block, block. Make room for better ppl to come into my life.

2025 has also taught me that I can create a whole new life for myself and I get to decide what that looks like. I don't care what people think. 

I'm sunshine and rainbows and humor and sex, and anyone who sticks around is lucky to be around me. 🥰
I don't have to worry about being forgotten. I'm pretty unforgettable. 

I am actually super excited for 2026. I did the hard stuff for a year, and this year will be a year of receiving abundance. 

I truly want to wish love to all the ppl I said goodbye to this year. I hope that one day I can reconnect in some way with the ones who mattered.

And to you, dear reader. Thank you for reading. I hope good things for you in 2026.