As I wean myself off these lactation pills I'm noticing positive changes. I've been taking some natural supplements to help with my energy levels and focus. It's helping. Little by little I'm feeling better. I was able to get a very simple gentle workout in today but I really really want to get back to being able to workout like I used to. I feel so bloated. I love my body but my clothes don't fit!! I've been feeling bloated and uncomfortable in my midsection and carrying more weight in my face which I hate. I'm such a pretty girl and I feel like the weight in my face fucks with my confidence. I was feeling so cunt a year ago. I was feeling cute and found a style that looks good on me. I really wanna get back to that. Don't get me wrong, lactating made me feel voluptuous and feminine. But I feel like I want to feel better in my own skin. I'm sure you can relate. Being a little more fit just feels better.  It's mostly to do with my flexibility and stamina. I want that back. And I wanna feel cute in my clothes again. 

Among the positive changes I would say the most notable is my sex drive coming back. Omg! It's so exciting! It reminds me of how I used to be!! Especially when ovulating. I was like a tiger searching for prey. I've been masturbating more! I've caught myself being turned on more. like ugh...yesssss. I missed this!!!!!! I want it back! I miss fucking. I miss being THIS horny. I miss being this sexual. Lactating was fun but it's not worth giving up my sex drive. I'm currently trying to establish connections with men I find attractive and have some chemistry with so that I can call on them when the mood strikes. I just want dick on call. And back up dick. And back up for the back up. Then i'll be happy. I don't want a relationship. I wanna focus on me. But I want men for cuddles and light friendship and solid dick. Wish me luck!!

I talk about my pussy alot. I think it's because I don't think it's gotten the attention I want. A big part of that is me and overcoming my hang ups. I've been making progress with the help of my trusty sub. Getting more comfortable with receiving oral pleasure. But I also think he just enjoys the act of being submissive and giving pleasure. Acts of service as it were. Sometimes I think he doesn't really care about me, I'm just a place holder for him. And he happily services me to scratch his own itch. I don't feel like a goddess as much as I feel like I have the power to get what I want. Which is nice but I want to feel desired and craved. Not serviced. I feel like that's more of a guy thing. But that's not for him to worry about. He's just a friend that comes to make me happy from time to time. And I totally appreciate him for it.

But I think a lot about the traits my person will have. I think about all the times I've gotten close with the qualities I want in a man. I always go back to this one. I want a man who worships my pussy. Not just eats it for the sake of eating it. But i think my ideal man, my person, will love my pussy.  He'll crave it. The smell of it,  the taste of it,  the feel of it. He'll try to get between my legs all the time. He'll beg me to eat it. He'll wanna smell me, even when i'm sweaty. He likes it. And he'll make sure to tell me all the time how pretty it is, how yummy it is, and how good it feels to be inside me. I want him to be like "goddamn that pussy" because it's so good he can never last too long. But he always wants more. :)

I've seen the way some guys talk about pussy. I def need lots of words of affirmation and praise when it comes to my pussy. It's not enough to want it or eat it,  you have to tell me you want it. You need it. Beg for it. ​Yeah thats the level of pussy worship I strive to find. And I know it's out there!! 

Well we had a good run. June was magical. Thats all I can say. It reminded me that I don't want a real relationship. For now I just want the fantasy. Just the exciting part where anything could happen. Where there's just passion and excitement and build up. Where you're just sharing the best parts of yourself. Not interested in things getting real. I want to have fun. I was in the real thing way too long. Now i know better to stick to my guns and not give in to someone who thinks he wants a relationship. I need to be more firm and next time I will be. I learned my lesson. I'm here to have fun an enjoy each other and nothing more than that. 

once I got over the addiction of it all I began to think clearly. I still have my sub who i'm grateful for. We keep things real on the surface and just enjoy and appreciate each other and our time together. I'm still kind of holding out for a big dick boy to fuck me bc I have needs. But I wouldn't say I'm actively looking. Just that I'm open to it. I think the problem most men have is that they think it's all or nothing. If they don't want a relationship they act like they can't have any feelings at all and treat sex as a cheap transactional thing. They're cheating themselves. I still want a connection and when I'm with that person I want some feeling and caring and affection. I just know how to compartmentalize and keep communication just to the encounters we have. This way my focus and energy is not on that person when we're not together. And its been wonderful and I'd like to find more connections like that.

For now I'm focusing on ME. on what I like and what I want. Putting my pleasure, my comfort, my convenience, and my feelings above other ppl. Because I owe that to myself. And so far I am LOVING life. I see being single very differently now. I'm not looking for a man as a life raft. Or for validation. I'm open to making genuine deep connections and enjoying someone's company that's all. The rest I really have under control. I'm the best relationship I've ever had! Plus I'm working on new things.

Let me know if you would like an audio section of the blog. I'm working on some stuff. 

I'm sad to be writing this. It's been a long interesting journey to get to lactating. But I did it! I went from having some curiosity to finding a community and spending hundreds on pumps, supplements, and prescription pills to help me lactate. And it was worth every penny. 

I did this for me first and foremost. To prove to myself that I could. After struggling with breastfeeding when I had my son I wanted to prove to myself I could do better this time and this time it would be a positive stress free experience. And it was! It took months. From the very first drops of discharge to finally getting milk. Then to getting to that sweet vanilla milk. 

Lactating made me feel soooo feminine and sexy. It was like having a super power. It gave me something not all women have. It boosted my confidence and my sexuality. I loved the way men would flock to me. Sadly I never found that steady partner for nursing. Between that and the negative side effects like weight gain, irregular periods, mood swings and low sex drive it just seemed pointless. Who was all of this for? In the end it's just not worth it. I want to get myself back. 


While I sadly never found a regular guy to nurse I at least had the opportunity a few times. My very favorite was with my sweet Jonah. Words can't express how much I enjoyed the brief time we had together. He was everything I wanted in a nursing partner, I just loved how easily he fit in my lap. Sadly he never got any milk, it wouldn't come till after him. My most successful nursing experience was with my most recent boyfriend who was actually able to get a few drops of milk and he loved the taste. It was such a beautiful experience with him but bc of the angle we had to do it in I could never fully relax for fear of smothering and suffocating him with my breast. I was proud of the fact that he went from not being sure what to think about my lactating when we first met to craving my milk. I just wish we could have had more opportunities to nurse. 

 As sad as I am to close this chapter I also know its the right thing for me. I look fwd to getting my body back again. I take comfort in the fact that I did it once already. So if further down the line I decide I wanna do it again I already know how!

Thanks for coming along on this ride with me. I learned some things about myself. Even without lactation I think dry nursing is just as hot. Also, I realized just how important my breasts and nipples are to my pleasure. And how much attention they need and not to neglect that. I'd much rather  a guy worship my tits than go down on me. And I plan on keeping my breast pumps for my own pleasure. They're gonna become sex toys for me. 

In honor of me closing this chapter I figured I would share some of my fav pics from this journey. Enjoy!!

I'm not gonna lie, I was a bit gutted when he ended things. But I moved on. I was happy that it ended nicely. After a couple weeks or so he reached out and I was so happy to hear from him to be honest. But he just happened to catch me when I was in a very horny headspace and I started to get sexual with him. I asked him if he would be up for servicing me again. He said absolutely. So I kept things very chill. Talking all the time was a mistake. I get too attached when I talk to someone too much. Anyway cut to today. I've been struggling not having any male touch in too long. My bf has been busy and its been leaving me feeling antsy. I've also had some other shit going on that left me in not the most sexual headspace. But spending the day primping and cleaning and prepping things for my sub to come over put me in a good mood. I ended up masturbating before he got here. I was just super excited. I decided that I would eat some mushroom chocolates because i always wanna be touching someone when I do and i've never done anything sexual on them before. 

When he got here I already had my plan. I had on my little lingerie. I brought him into my bedroom and just wanted to touch him. I wanted him to touch me. And he did, and I LOVED it. I told him he was going to give me a massage. Rules of the massage were: you can tease my pussy, you can graze your hand against it, but no touching it directly. I wanted a good tease. So I laid down and he  got the oil and started rubbing. Well let me fucking tell you, the whole fucking thing felt amazing as fuck. I was gonna play music on a speaker but i got so caught up that i didn't. He rubbed me from my toes to my face. I made him spend extra time on my boobs. Then  I flipped over and ohhhhh myyyy gooodddd......it was orgasmic. The chocolate was doing its thing babe. Because  I was giggling and moaning, it was just so delicious! I kept forgetting myself. I kept going between I want him to this just feels so relaxing and i would just catch myself and giggle. I was able to stop and talk and laugh and that was really nice. That's a vibe ive been trying to recreate in the bedroom for a long time. It's really lovely to feel comfortable enough to laugh and talk and then moan and feel pleasure. It was so exquisite. His hands on me. Especially on my lower back. It felt like he was making love to me with his hands. I can't even explain it!!! It was AMAZING. Also, these chocolates made me very vocal. lol. There was no hiding my pleasure thats for sure. 

After at least an hour of massage I think he was sucking on my nipples and he put my wand (toy) inside me because I was SOOOOO wet, and I told him so. So in it went. But I think I wanted his touch, his warm body, more than the toy. So I told him to take it out, and put his face there instead. Which he happily obliged. There was so much build up at this point. I wanted to hump his face and devour him with my pussy.  🤭 But then I made him back up so i could just feel his tongue. I was, from what he told me, doing the bulk of the work at first. Kind of grinding his face (i was so horny) and then after a while I made him do the work. 

So lots to say.
1. I felt like i had a bunch of tiny little orgasms, if that makes sense? It was just so pleasurable so much. Instead of it all building to one giant orgasm it was just a bunch of little ones and a blunt orgasm. It's strange. I wonder if it was the chocolates. I don't know if I can cum regularly but I really wanted to fuck. 

2. I've never been more present and in my body during a sexual encounter and it was amaaaaaaaazing. And maybe thats the hiccup with the orgasm? Maybe there's only so much the body can do. Maybe the real orgasms come from the mind. Although I thought the whole thing was so fucking hot. And it really showed me that we place so much focus on an orgasm when you can have so much pleasure and not cum. 

3. I have never had a more intimate experience. Outside of my marriage of course. When he was massaging me, it felt really lovely and intimate. I just wanted to touch him. I wanted to feel him against me. When I would feel his body brush against me or lean on me it felt so exciting and erotic. The massage was erotic and also intimate. Then when he was going down on me i just wanted to touch him. At one point we were holding hands while he wen down on me and i LOVED the intimacy of it. It felt so special, so connected. 

4. It's become clear the I can't cum without making a mess. If a guy wants to go down on me just to experience it or just to warm me up, great. no problem. If a guy wants to make me cum? He's gotta be ok with piss because i'm sorry to say, it's gonna happen. In this situation, that's not squirt. And it fucking sucks I have no control over it. But good news is I can get pleasure and warmed up for sex with just some oral. I don't need to cum from it. Shit, I got warmed up from the fucking massage. There are lots of other ways to get my pussy wet and ready for big dick, i promise. But if you fuck me you better be ok with the sheets getting wet. 

5. I was able to receive pleasure really well tonight. Thanks to the chocolates. I was able to relax. Also helped that we had done this before so there was already trust there. But I'm SO proud of myself BECAUSE I was able to have a very intimate connection with someone that I consider a friend (fwb), we were able to hold each other and be very close and I was able to enjoy it for what it was! And leave it at that! And that's what I've been trying to achieve since my  ONS in Nashville years ago. You can have a really lovely intimate connected present experience in the bedroom and just enjoy it for what it is in the moment. This is HUGE for me!!!!!! eeek! 

And yeah that's all I can think of. I'm tired as shit right now.

Let's fucking go.

Ok so....my first taste of this was when I chatted with some guy online who told all sorts of shit but the one thing that stood out to me was saying he wanted to fuck me on his wife's side of the bed and have me squirt onto her pillow so she could lay her face in it at night. That was wayyyyyyy out there for me when I first heard it. But I was shocked to find how much of a physiological reaction i had to it. I got sopping wet. Holy shit. Ever since then i kept that little nugget in the back of my head.

Cut to me seeing it online now with some couples on apps. I'm super intrigued. I love the idea of being chosen, and stealing your man. I don't fuck with married men unless the marriage is open. I'm all about consent. I don't wanna sneak around. I want her to know. I want her to get off on the fact that i'm fucking her man. That i'm making his toes curl. That he's making noises he doesn't make with her. That he's putting that baby batter in me. That when I'm with him he's all MINE. And when he fucks her he's thinking about me. That shit is HOT.  In this scenario the wife is the cuckquean, the husband is the hothusband and I'm whats known as a "cupcake", which, I couldn't think of a more fitting name for me. I'm just such a delicious little thing. And so seductive. And I get off on seducing men. Its a power trip. So I'm definitely cupcake curious. It just depends on what the wife wants. If she wants humiliation...thats harder for me bc i'm not that kind of girl. I'd have to work on that. 

This is all info i've known for a little while now and i'm really curious to explore. 

What is a new surprise to me is I may very well get off on being the cuckquean as well? And the reason I say this is because when I was married there was a time when my best friend was single and would come over to our place all the time and had no boundaries. Sometimes I would get jealous because she was getting a little too comfortable and i'm real alpha. I don't like to share my toys or my men. So anyway I recall fantasizing and getting off to the idea of her hooking up with him while i was in the shower. It felt so wrong and like such betrayal but it also made me absolutely cum. And I can't even explain it. I was hurt, jealous, betrayed, felt like a victim, but those things made it even hotter. The wrongness of it, the taboo nature of it. I get off on taboo things. So that's interesting. I'm not sure if I could actually go through with it though because i think once the thrill wore off i'd be hurt. But still, very interesting realization that its something i might be into. I dunno. 

I know for sure.......I wanna be a cupcake. like soooooon. like ugh.

What are your thoughts on the hothusband thing? would you like to be in that scenario with a partner? or too weird?

Because I was too much and wanted too much. That's pretty bad. When a sub is like "you're too much".  I think the sub experiment has probably run its course. its never worked out. Though he's been the nicest of all of them. I don't know how any guy can handle my shit. I'm too much for everyone. And I really let my crazy out on him. It's the most unmasked I think I've been with anyone. It was liberating.  To just say all the crazy shit and for him not to talk back. That was therapeutic. 

But he got sick of my shit. I don't blame him and i'm not surprised. it's making me think about what I truly want. When I was getting all of my emotional needs met it didn't matter. i didn't need him for much. but when that slowed down i leaned on him to pick up the slack and thats not what he signed up for. And also I don't think i'll ever understand what a submissive man wants from me. Whats ok to say or expect and what isnt. everytime i try to lean in  i do it wrong. its so confusing.

What do I want? Do I want a poly relationship? Do i just want a flirty friendship? I know that I want to be missed. I know i want someone who puts in some effort to talk to me. And someone who doesn't find it so easy to walk away. A part time boyfriend? I dunno. whatever it is i haven't found it yet. And maybe i never will.

I just know i'm too much for any one man. So I need more than one. I just don't think its fair to have a romantic relationship with more than one person. That's something I'm struggling with. Unless the man you're dating is going into the relationship already poly.

It's difficult for me to allow myself to be so vulnerable with someone and then be rejected. Even if its as kind of a rejection as it could have been. But i'm trying to sit in the discomfort and not take it personally.  its all part of the journey I guess. Its all about what I learned from this experience. And how to apply that lesson going fwd.

 I'm taking things slow with my bf. He's number 1 on the roster. My star player and the only one who's not replaceable. We've only had sex once so far. I like the build up. And because its an emotional and real relationship I don't want to rush it. But we have been talking about stuff and our kinks seem to line up. He's my dominant daddy. He treats me like a little baby princess and in turn I get to be his precious little thing and really lean into all my  "little" tendencies with him and he loves it. Which is like a DREAM COME TRUE for me! 

But another hot thing is that we seem to really be turned on by the same things. He loves my breasts and loves to worship them. In fact he loves my entire body and tells me all the time how beautiful and sexy I am. Which I love. But he also brings out the sub in me. We both find the idea of hucow so fucking hot. He wants to tie me down and have me hooked up to a milking machine and just fuck me and breed me.🥵️ In fact he's even looked into milking machines for me. 🥵️🥵️

He told me yesterday that he wants to lay me on the bed with my head hanging off and fuck my throat🥴️🥴️🥴️ "yes sir". He's such a perfect combination of sweet and loving and gentle outside of the bedroom and then raawwwrrr assertive and aggressive inside the bedroom. 

I will share some stories when we really get into it. hee hee 😊

Let's talk about lies of omission:
​
Dealing with men for the last 2yrs I’ve had to deal with this ALOT. Men love to NOT ANSWER QUESTIONS. And as a recovering ppl pleaser I used to let them get away with it and not call them out. My lord the amount of bullshit I put up with and just let slide. All as to not ruffle their feathers. All for extremely mediocre men. and why? Because as women we are basically programmed to be pleasing to men. To make them like us. Whether for romantic reasons or for safety reasons. Be likeable. Be agreeable. Don’t make waves. And DON’T make them uncomfortable. As a woman that’s one of the worst things you can do to a man, make him uncomfortable. It could become a safety issue. No, we can handle a lot more than they can. So we make ourselves uncomfortable for their sake. 


But I’m done with that. I have found a new sick pleasure in making men uncomfortable. If I ask a question and a guy does that typical thing where they dance around it and don’t give me a straight answer I will call him out. “You didn’t answer my question”. Then they do a little tap dance and try to be coy. At this point, they’re hiding some shit and it’s very obvious. Catch them in that shit. They deserve to be caught. Babe I am not the one. Not the one, the two or the three. That behavior will not fly with me. Not anymore. And if you THINK you’re pulling one over on me, honey, I’m just biding my time. I’m observing. I’m letting you play out your little fantasy, waiting for the best time to expose you. 


If I ask for verification and you make any kind of excuse,  I already know what I need to know. I’m a lot smarter and more observant than you realize. I pay very close attention. And I make men jump through hoops. And the ones who willingly jump through them are my favorites. The rest I don’t waste my time with. 


And if your answers are vague I will ask you again. I’m calling out the liars and the fakes. You deserve to get caught. You deserve to feel as uncomfortable as possible. Men cannot handle emotional discomfort. Physical? Sure. Any day. But emotional?!! Soooo weak. Which is why men ghost. Delete. Block. Because they’re too weak to stand in their discomfort and just be honest and own that shit. The worst ones are the gaslighters. When they get called out they try to spin it to make us think we’re being unreasonable or overreacting. They act confused. Oh classic male behavior. So confused, where is this coming from? In that case let me pull out my receipts here and give you a proper audit. Then you can try to explain yourself. 

And on that note.....

​I've been doing a lot of growing lately. I've become a stronger person and I like this version of me. I've been saying no more. I'm very direct. If someone isn't what I'm looking for, I pass. And this is huge. I used to feel like I owed something to anyone who gave me attention. Like I should be grateful for it. That's some old outdated bullshit. Even guys who are attractive and interested I've turned down. Hot guy, dick not big enough, sorry. Hot guy, hot body, huge dick, weird energy? Sorry, this was a hard one, but no I don't like your energy. Attractive guy, good size dick, no chemistry? I'm sorry, it's not gonna work for me. Hot guy but married? Sorry can't do it. I try to be kind each time of course. I find that my directness kind of commands respect from these men. And my courteous nature lends itself to respectful interactions. Which has been great. 

I guess because this isn't something I NEED, just something I want I can be picky and also patient. I'd rather go without and wait for the right guy than jump into something with someone that doesn't feel right from the beginning. I've also been better at cutting off things that aren't serving me. If there's no end game there's no point in using my energy on someone. 

Saying no, politely disconnecting, this has been great for my healing. Good things have started happening for me since I tapped into my own power. Funny enough I find that men are drawn to it. It's been interesting to see the shift. I would love to find a cool guy to connect with that I can laugh with and have deep talks with and also have a physical  connection with. Then I can close ranks and just enjoy the roster. 

Would love to find a fuck buddy who wants to explore sexual things with me. Different kinks, sex parties, swinging situations, threesomes, etc. Someone open minded and who I feel comfortable exploring with. That would be awesome. 

I think in general men are drawn to confidence and a woman who knows what’s she wants. In my profile I’m very straightforward. Right to the point, I say what I want. I want a big dick boy to add to my roster. What I’m finding is the men down there seem to have more appreciation for bigger bodies. What I got a lot of in GA was guys who just wanted to fuck and saw me as a means to an end. What I saw down there was men who were excited about me and my body. And THAT is the energy I want. It really makes me want to travel the US and see where i get the best results. 


I also realized something else about me. In order for me to be wild and DTF out of town I need to be staying in my own place. A hotel room or an air bnb. It feels most anonymous. There’s nothing to lose. Fuck and get out. No one knows me here. No strings. Can’t to that staying at my parents house. So yeah, that’s a cock block. 

​If only I could get paid to blog about fucking my way around the US. (Later, other countries). I mean travel blogs exist right? This is kind of that. Hmm...stay tuned for that.